Tuesday, July 1st, 2008 at
We recently noted that Dwyane Wade and Britney Spears are dangerously close to living parallel lives. They both seemed to be headed in a downward direction. Little did we know he was extending his business interests overseas. Things are definitely on the up and up.
Wade is going to do more than play basketball in China this summer. He’s also going to help the Chinese get their hard on. Black Sports Online found this Chinese ad for sexual enhancement pills. You might notice Wade in the corner giving his best fuck face.
Wade’s representatives say he did not give permission for his image to be used. There’s nothing to be ashamed of here. The Chinese need all the pleasure they can get after this summer’s early unpleasantness. Ramming speed! Sueper sex indeed!
Monday, May 19th, 2008 at
Dwayne Wade loves two things very much, his mother and God. Lucky for him, his mother loves God too, so it only seems natural then that he’d buy his mom her very own church called the Temple of Praise. Having her own church will allow Jolinda Wade to tell the tales of a life that started with crime and drugs and only began to actually make sense to her after she found God.
You see, there was a time when Jolinda Wade was a fugitive from the law, a drug dealer and user and eventually a prisoner. Her life finally got turned around while in jail and she started preaching. She later became a Baptist minister and hasn’t looked back, and now, she’s got her own church thanks to her boy, D-wade. Whattaguy.
“My mother is not the kind of person who will come to me and ask me for this kind of favor. She’s so thankful for even the little things I’ve done for her,” Dwyane Wade said. “But it’s the dream of every man, every boy, to be able to give their mother everything they want. So that was my dream and this is her dream. To me, that makes this perfect.”
So why am I publishing this story, you ask? No, its not because I found that awesome Photoshop, it is because its not everyday you hear an athlete buy a church, but I’m now wondering why more haven’t?
Why waste your cash on an inevitably doomed to fail car wash or restaurant or bar or auto dealership when you can throw some cash down on something that is pretty much fail-proof, a church! Sure they are technically non-profit, but that basically just means Uncle Sam isn’t taking any of your cizzash yo’! You plop down a ton of D-Wade Baptist Churches all over town, have yourself on the board, draw a modest salary once you retire from basketball, and BAM, instant cash for life plus amazing public goodwill because no one is gonna talk shit about you being Godly. If Magic can make movie theaters and Starbucks work for him, certainly D-Wade can become the Magic Johnson of the religious industrial complex? Its a brilliant
D-wade Last Supper Pic from Dave Barry’s Blog
Story from Canadian Press
Monday, May 12th, 2008 at
What the hell is going on with Dwyane Wade? His flight path seems to be taking a downward trajectory similar to Britney Spears. She had it all only to throw it away and turn into an unmitigated disaster. We’re not saying Wade is going to get knocked up by some Heat dancer but things aren’t looking too good for him these days. Only two years ago, he was on top of the world. NBA Champion, commercial darling, etc. Now is not good. Yes? The Heat? Fail. Star Jones? Fail. His new restaurant? Fail.
D. Wade’s Sports Grill in Boca Raton has closed after only two months. The Palm Beach Post reports that the restaurant opened to mixed reviews, little advertising and no D-Wade. He only showed up once since it opened.
“A note on the closed Boca restaurant’s door tells fans to head to Fort Lauderdale, home of the only other D. Wade’s. A third is in the works in Aventura.”
Hmm where have I heard of a similar situation? Oh that’s right. Britney’s restaurant.
Not only is another D. Wade’s in the works but he’s also looking to get into gourmet Chinese with Alonzo Mourning. Oh yeah I’m going to get Chinese from Zo and D-Wade. I’m also going to get sushi from Popeye Jones, Elijah Dukes and Raekwon while I’m at it. Rae’s a chef after all. You would have thought Star could have kept the restaurant going by herself. Don’t let that staple gun action fool you. She can still bring the ruckus.
Let’s run down the list. Britney cheated on Justin Timberlake and ended up with Kevin Federline. Wade’s marriage is falling apart and he’s seen hanging with Star Jones. Britney was on top of the charts and selling out shows before crashing and burning on the VMAs. Wade was an NBA championship team which has become a lottery team that can’t sell half their seats.** Her restaurant failed miserably and so did his. He hasn’t quite caught the crazy yet but hanging with Star Jones is definitely suspect.
Wade could use an intervention before it’s too late. We suggest Sir Charles and Montell Williams ambush him Cheaters style when he’s out with Star and break him down on camera. Fuck the whales. Save the Wade!
**We can’t put attendance on him. Sports have no business in Miami. They could be some of the worst fans in America.
Friday, May 2nd, 2008 at
Finally. It took Dwyane Wade long enough but he finally came out and spoke about the nature of his association with Star Jones. Leave it to Kenny Smith and Charles Barkley to ask the important questions. Hopefully George Stephanopoulos was taking notes.
Wade claimed that he and Jones are just “good friends”
“Star is an unbelievable woman. We have a great, great relationship. As friends.”
Sir Charles also referred to Jones as a cougar who is “praying on a young Dwayne Wade”. Sir I know cougars and Star Jones is no cougar.
Wade needs to put an end to this. Charles needs to take him out of his Fave 5 until he gets his head straight. Would this have happened if Shaq were still on the Heat? Probably not because he would have been rightly shamed into submission. Wait until Star starts demanding front row, all you can eat seats during Heat games next season. She’ll scream for Hebrew National and Sbarro sponsorships, a staple will pop and game over. They’ll be wheeling her out in Dwyane’s wheelchair.