“My emotions were that they suspended me. That was the decision they chose to do. I’ll take it at that. I’m not going to lose any sleep over it. I got me some rest and was able to get away for a while and chill out and relax.” –Plaxico Burress on his suspension
Plaxico Burress is a man after Emmitt Smith’s heart. He may get it if he keeps giving lines like that. However Emmitt better be careful because he’s a “fuck ‘em and leave ‘em” kinda guy. A man with no remorse.
“I haven’t lost any sleep. I am in great spirits. I enjoyed my week off. My team went out and played great yesterday without me. It was good to see the guys go out there and play well.”
Tom Coughlin and the players must love a team attitude like that. Something tells us this won’t be the last time this happens. The Giants receiver claimed that he had a situation, had to see a man about a horse or had to go see about something. Maybe it was taking his son to school or maybe it was beatin’ muthafuckas like Ike beat Tina. Either way he didn’t call to inform the team or return calls as they tried to track him down.
The Giants shouldn’t feel too bad. They weren’t the only ones not getting any love from Burress. Epic Car and Truck Rental can’t get him on the phone either. He allegedly returned a rental car after hours with damage and never reported it. He paid about a grand towards the damage but still owes $1759. He claimed Allstate as his insurance company but when contacted, they told the rental company that Burress doesn’t have policy with them.
A third-party administrator finally called Giants Director of Player Development Charles Way after several unsuccessful attempts to contact Burress. Way’s response when asked about getting hold of Burress was “Man, I’m trying”.
Maybe the Klondike 5-4385 number Burress gave them and the Giants should have been a clue.
A good donkey but still a donkey. Check out this brilliant play by him from the first half of last night’s scorefest between the Eagles and Cowboys. DeSean decided to celebrate a touchdown before crossing the goaline with hilarious results. Let’s go to the tape.
Yeah, playboy. Leon Lett salutes your vigor. Oh and fuck you for stealing 12 points away from me by denying McNabb a touchdown.
Last night’s game was insane. If you went to bed early like some or live in DC and lost your cable and internet in the first quarter like Chimp Rage, you missed what might end up being the best game of the season. Both teams decided to play defense like the Rams for our pleasure and Tony Kornheiser lost his mind more than usual when trying to wax poetic about the Cowboys. This game had everything except defense.
“Hello boy, feeling a bit poorly? I know your team is responsible for most of the cash so I’m gonna give you one week to find it. Otherwise I will take a finger of each of you and your teammates’ hands for everyday that passes without payment. And then when you run out of digits, your dad’s bar and who knows what then. All right, my son?”
It sucks to be West Ham midfielder Matthew Etherington. He’s lucky he still has all his fingers. He has West Ham to thank for that. They were forced to give Etherington enough money to choke a dozen donkeys after he came to them for help with a gambling debt.
Etherington, a recovering gambling addict, fell prey to the neon claws of Gamblor and suffered a minor relapse. This one only cost him £800,000. However the debt wasn’t his only problem. He was forced to approach the club for a loan after receiving death threats. West Ham officials were worried enough to advance him £300,000 to pay down the debt. They might regret that after losing their sponsor XL late last week. The threats he received from his bookie were “nasty and personal” as opposed to pleasant and impersonal. The rudeness was more than he could bear.
Shawn Kemp and Travis Henry may win on sheer numbers but when it comes to style, they have nothing on Aston Villa striker Gabriel “Gabby” Agbonlahor. Gabby scored a hat trick in Villa’s first game of the season. That’s good. He also scored a hat trick in the bedroom and knocked up three girls practically at the same time. That’s bad.
See if you can follow the trail of stupidity. It’s long and complicated. Use the picture key below and try not to slip on the amniotic fluid. Gabby was dating baby mama #1 before he hit the big time. She even moved in with him. He met baby mama #2 in 2006 while on holiday in Greece. Four months later, he was getting in the stink box of baby mama #3 who was previously the WAG of useless Spurs midfielder Jermaine Jenas.
Here’s where things get complicated. #1 found texts to Gabby from #3. He told #1 that she was just a groupie and there was nothing to worry about. #3 kept sending texts so #1 called her to find out what was up. #3 turned around and confronted Gabby who told her that #1 was just a psycho ex who was getting all Single White Female on his ass and couldn’t let go. Meanwhile he was still rolling with #2. #1 finally found out about #2 but he claimed she was another groupie.
Stay with us. It’s about to get “stupider”. #3 got pregnant. #1 gave her a call and dropped the bomb that she was also pregnant and Gabby was still messing with #2. He told #1 and #3 that he wasn’t ready for a kid and they could do what they wanted but he wasn’t having it. They both got abortions. He was a gentleman and paid for #3′s baby vacuum while leaving #1 to fend for herself. Two months later, #1 moved back in with him but he was still creeping with #2 and #3. Sure enough, he ended up knocking up #2. She decided to keep the baby and call him Gabriel Agbonlahor Jr. Now she lives in a house that he owns.
Congratulations if you’re still with this and you’re aren’t drooling on yourself. The lesson here is that European groupies get abortions. Hopefully Shawn Kemp doesn’t figure how they get down over there. Italy will start thinking they have an illegal baby immigration problem before they realize they’re all being made in-house. Population decline solved. Shit on your hands and slap yourself, Italy. It’s Shawn Kemp’s world and you’re about to catch the supersonic sperm wave.
Don’t accuse Republicans of not caring about the little man. Congressman Duncan Hunter wants to feed some starving refugees but the State Department is cockblocking him.
Hunter’s heart ached when he heard about the plight of the refugees from Darfur who were forced to flee to Chad by the big bad Janjaweed. He was determined to do something about it so he got on the horn to the American embassy in N’Djamena and asked if he could come over and feed the refugees. After being told he couldn’t hunt Africans Surviving The Game style in order to feed them to other Africans, he asked if he could hunt wildebeest and serve them to the refugees.
The response from Main State:
The embassy “welcomes Congressman Hunter’s interest in food assistance to Darfur refugees in Chad. Given the significant” U.S. aid in the world program, the embassy “would encourage the congressman to time his visit to coincide with an already scheduled food distribution.”
The embassy will “make the necessary arrangements for” Hunter to watch a food distribution in a camp.
“Regarding the Congressman’s desire to hunt wildebeest and distribute the cured meat to refugees, wildebeest are not present in Chad.”
“The Government of Chad does not permit the hunting of large mammals.”
Never mind the fact that the wildebeest population is decreasing at a rapid rate due to poaching.
The gentleman from California was not having that. He decided to “look at commercial hunting expeditions in Kenya, Tanzania and southern Africa”. The refugees should blame the State Department for their malnutrition.
A chimp sidekick would give the congressman carte blanche to shoot some white rhinos and silverbacks. He might want to consider this as he chooses his destination.