The televised circle jerk and LeBron suck-off otherwise known as the ESPYs is an abortion of an awards show (as if there are good awards shows). This isn’t news to anyone who has sat through an entire show or been subjected to non-stop replays on ESPN weeks after the show.

Since the ESPYs are here to stay, ESPN might want to take a page from the Brownlow Medal Show. You want an awards show? They’ll give you an awards show replete with drunken hosts and ass grabbing. Take a gander at Carlton player and Street Talk host Brendan Fevola. In a word? Awesome.

Pressure point!* Steven Seagal! WOOOOOO! Why can’t Brian Urlacher and Ray Lewis get housed and rough up Mike and Mike during the awards? Fevola had a lotta mo.

Fevola did not hold back as he simulated sex for the cameras, puckered up for some unsuspecting WAGs and bystanders, and swore black and blue while interviewing players and guests.

Accompanied by a cameraman and sound assistant, Fevola had several mishaps, including knocking a full bottle of beer out of Western Bulldog Adam Cooney’s hand that went flying into the crowd.

The outrageous footballer lurched and fell on to a barricade as Carlton skipper Chris Judd and girlfriend Rebecca Twigley came tohis aid.

Holding a fist full of notes, Fevola then tried to pay a waiter more than $500 for giving him free alcohol.

“Just keep it,” Twigley said to the confused waiter as she tried to steady Fevola. Even stern and heavily pregnant on-again-off-again wife Alex could not calm down the wobbly Blues player.

“Brendan, I’m telling you, stop drinking,” Alex said.

“But I just did Street Talk,” Fevola slurred.

“Oh yeah, that went really well,” Alex said.

Richmond’s Nathan Brown took over Fevola’s Footy Show duties, as the Blues bad boy continued to party hard.

Fevola was seen on the balcony at the River Room, where the after-party was held, smoking cigarettes in the rain and vomiting.

The crowd at the awards show was not pleased with the self-righteous hosts of the show who refused to show more footage of Fevola’s antics. He should be given some credit. At least he made it to the show.

The Bulldogs’ Jason Akermanis didn’t even make it to the show because he got shitfaced the afternoon of the medal show. He went out with teammates to celebrate the end of the season but was supposed to attend the show that night. His wife was forced to pick him up from the pub in her evening wear but he was in no shape to attend the show.

Akermanis offered a medal-worthy explanation: “I had planned to go (to the Brownlow), and I had a really good plan in place to get there. But it’s fair to say I miscalculated a few things, and as such didn’t execute the plan all that well.”

Brilliant.

Dana Jacobsen had the right idea until the man shut her down. Fevola didn’t fare much better. He was fined AU$10,000 and kicked off the Footy Show. Way to Mutu his ass.

* Here is the incident Fevola was referring to when he was yelling “Pressure Point!” and “Steven Seagal!” at Chris Judd.

Because we’re not above posting this stuff, here is Steve McNair murderer Sahel Kazemi’s DUI arrest that occurred a week before the slaying of the former NFL star. Nothing more to say really, watch it if you’re interested in this wack-job.

Via Jersey Chaser

Colombian footballer Javier Florez shot a man dead last night for teasing him. Yea, you read that right, teasing him. The Atletico Junior de Barranquilla player was driving near his house when a group of people began taunting him about his team’s recent loss in the Colombian Apertura championship final. Apparently, since he’d been drinking, this was a bad idea. The drunken Florez then got out of his car, with a gun in hand, shot at the group, hit and killed a man with two of the shots, then left his car and ran away from the scene of the incident. Luckily (for him) he just turned himself in to the authorities.

Tragic…truly sad. What I want to know is, how has this not happened here in the states? Who do you think would be the first American athlete to kill a fan for making fun of him? Or has it been done before and I just totally missed it?

I’m thinking Ron Artest might have a good shot. Its too bad Albert Belle doesn’t play anymore cause he’d be MONEY. What do you, our readers who never comment, think?

From Initop.com

Far be it for us to criticize someone for enjoying the sauce. Some of our “best” work has been done after enjoying numerous macrobrews. However we would think twice if we were Liverpool’s Jermaine Pennant. Actually we wouldn’t think at all because he’s a dumbass.

Pennant is determined not to play top flight soccer anymore. That can be the only explanation for getting caught boozing in front of Faces nightclub in the name of Lindsay Lohan. He’s already spent time in jail and worn an ankle bracelet due to incidents caused by his “amateur night” drinking. He was pictured taking hits from a bottle of Jack outside the Essex club last Sunday. The Daily Mail reports that he was there due to the appearance of the Firecrotch. He’s already on thin ice with Rafa Benitez and now it may be impossible to move him to a different club. Who the hell wants this disaster on their hands?

This incident is minor compared to when Pennant was arrested for drunk driving and gave the police the name of his former teammate, Ashley Cole. He was also arrested for smacking his bitch up. He does wrong even when he tries to do right like the time he fell over piss drunk in a pizza place trying to break up a fight.

Pennant is almost out of chances. He’s a perennial benchwarmer and reports say that Benitez has run out of patience with his lifestyle and lack of ambition. He’s blocked moves to other Premiership teams and shows no effort in trying to earn his keep at Anfield. Interested clubs will probably back off after seeing he’s learned nothing from past incidents even though he’s been given chance after chance. Hopefully he’ll like playing for lower league teams like Norwich or Coventry. It’s hard to see another Premiership team taking a shot on him. Worse comes to worse, he can go work for his dad Gary at his crack and heroin den.

Pennant probably wouldn’t have been at the club if Lohan wasn’t there. Even when she’s playing lesbian, Lohan is still figuratively fucking men. Brilliant!

This is your new national team manager. I’m so jealous. I wish Bob Bradley would get sauced and roll with the fans like Maradona. Some language NSFW.

Fuck you, River Plate indeed.