You would think my hate would have decreased after getting used to the omnipresent backwards sunglasses, frosted hair and all around assclownery that is Guy Fieri. You’d be wrong. If anything, it grows by the day. Imagine my fury when I spotted the picture above on the subway the other day. The NY Lottery and MTA just made my enemies list. I’m not doing much with this impotent rage beyond cursing his existence and shaking my fist. Good thing there are people out there with more motivation.
The revolution has begun. Inspired by events in the Middle East, a group of brave, intrepid fighters decided to rise up against the evil that the Food Network unleashed on an unsuspecting populace. Someone broke into a car dealership and stole Guy Fieri’s $200,000 Lamborghini Gallardo last week.
Sometime in the wee hours of Tuesday, a thief climbed up to the roof of the dealership, attached a climbing rope, and then rappelled into the showroom, investigators said.
He – or she – then cut the lock to the dealership’s garage door and drove off with Fieri’s car.
I take issue with calling said person a thief. Short-sighted yes. It was a gallant effort but it’ll take more than stealing Fieri’s ride to stop him. It’ll take an all out effort involving all possible forms of transportation he may use in addition to blocking all media outlets. One man can’t do this alone. It’s going to take all of us to make his reign short like leprechauns.
It’s not easy being cheesy. It’s actually hard work but if there’s one guy who will go all out, it’s Cristiano Ronaldo. Whether it’s rocking the short shorts, the pastels or the cheesedick accessories like the murse (man purse), he puts in work like Kool Moe Dee. Most times he maintains his cool but sometimes like all of us, the strain can get to him. Good thing his Manchester United teammates have his back.
Team-mates filled his training room locker with cans of deodorant and aftershave when the Manchester United ace was pictured by the Mirror sweating through a jacket on a night out.
Ex-United striker Brian McClair, now its youth academy director revealed: “As he is never one for getting to training early, he found this picture copied all over the dressing-room. When he opened his locker, all the deodorants and perfumes fell out. He was not amused!”
Oh the hilarity! He probably went straight for the perfumes and left the deodorants where he found them. That wasn’t the best move as Gary Neville tried to eat them later thinking that they were vanilla push pops.
Round 2: The Douche Fights Back? It looks like Jay Mariotti has some fight in him (when no one’s around) after all. The Sun-Times columnist we all love to hate struck back at critics and sent another shot across Ozzie’s bow during an interview with WTTW-11′s John Callaway.
Mariotti: “Are the local media now brainwashed that every time Ozzie goes off it’s ‘Ozzie being Ozzie,’ or are we dealing with one of the great crackpots in the history of professional sports? I happen to choose the latter.”
Callaway: “That’s what people would say about you.”
Mariotti: “Not me.”
What would you call someone with an inflated sense of worth who refers to himself as Osama Sox Laden or threatens to punch and sue The Hawk?
Mariotti also had words for his Sun-Times colleagues and accused them of not fighting for the paper. He accused Joe Cowley of “[having] “issues” and writing “a ‘pathetic’ column after the Sox’s blowup-doll controversy”.
Rick Telander got some too.
“…Don’t sit here and stereotype me. That’s just a smear campaign from a guy who … if he calls me angry, I call him bitter and old. This is a fellow who needs to examine the newspaper business, where it is right now, where the Sun-Times is in this market and maybe get his act into gear and help us win this battle …”
Can’t you see Mariotti fighting all enemies of the newspaper business at Medieval Times in Schaumburg? His long, flowing mullet hanging out of his helmet. He’s so Wallace. We can’t wait until he starts referring to himself as the Paper Savior. He’s a martyr like Gandhi and MLK. What exactly is he doing to help the Sun-Times “win the battle”? Bringing his personal, self-created beefs into the public spotlight? Passing off hyperbole as fact?
Check out Jay the Joke. They’ve been following the most recent back and forth including Mariotti’s admission that he wouldn’t take his comments up with Telander. Typical from probably the biggest coward in sports journalism.
Oh dear, it seems that Fred Durst is going to be directing Ice Cube in a new, yet to be titled “inspirational” sports film about the first female quarterback in Pop Warner history, “who with her teammates draws support from her uncle (Ice Cube) and members of their Illinois town when the team plays in the Pop Warner Super Bowl.” My dear God…what hell hath we wrought people?
As if any Ice Cube movie could be worse than any movie he’s made since the original Friday, he’s got the former king of all douchebags Fred Durst of Limp Bizkit directing him in this feature. This has the makings of being one of the worst sports movies of all time, and I’m not using hyperbole here, I really am saying this movie might just be the worst sports movie of all time.
We all know the film credits of Ice Cube lately (XXX State of the Union, Are We There Yet?, Are We Done Yet?, Torque to name a few) and Fred Durst’s directing, well, lets just hope its better than his singing (oh yea he directed this video…Jebus save us):