Antonio Cromartie and Travis Henry better watch out. Michael Turner’s coming at them with a vengeance. Roger Goodell and Peter King can check their fake indignation. No bounties are involved unless one counts child support.

Police were called to Turner’s house after his current girlfriend attacked his baby mama with a move that would have made Elin Woods proud.

According to the police report, obtained by TMZ, [Rasheeda] Walker claims she has 2 children with Turner and is “upset because he refuses to see them.” She also claims she’s pregnant with Turner’s 3rd child and wanted to talk to him about the situation.

Walker told cops she knocked on the front door … only to be ambushed by Turner’s new GF Elizabeth Delacruz … who was wielding a golf club and shouting, “YOU AT MY HOUSE NOW B*TCH.”

Walker claims she grabbed the golf club away from Delacruz and the two began to fight … until 5’10″, 244-pound Turner came outside and broke the whole thing up.

What’s the lesson here? Never go out with a shapeshifter. Delacruz went from Elin Woods to Brenda Richie just like that. She’s like a female Manimal. Whoa.

One has to appreciate Turner’s delegation of authority among his women. You strictly for the baby making and you for the sexin’. Never the twain shall meet unless it’s in the front yard and a battle to the death. Perhaps he should consider constructing a Thunderdome in the front yard for times like these. No need for law enforcement as what happens in Thunderdome stays in Thunderdome.

Hats off as well to the Avoid the Shorties strategy. Not seeing the kids means not having to remember their names or naming them the same thing.

What is it with amputees and domestic abuse these days? Some of these cats are overdoing it with the rageahol. It seems like only yesterday that Def Leppard’s Rick Allen was nailed for spousal abuse at LAX. That made no sense. Why didn’t his wife just run in clockwise circles around him to avoid the beatdown? I’m not saying she was asking for it but it seems easy enough to get away from a one-armed beatdown. You and me, girl. Hey hey!

One can see the difficulty in getting away from sprinter Oscar Pistorius. He may have no legs but he does have both arms. He was charged with assault for an incident that allegedly took place during a party he was hosting at his Pretoria house.

Pistorius, 22, said in a statement that he asked the woman to leave the party. Unhappy with this, she began kicking the door which broke, injuring her.

“I categorically deny that I in any way assaulted,” the woman, Pistorius said.

Ah the old door attack defense. If they get the jump on you, they can do some real damage just like a wall running into your face multiple times. We kid, we kid. Presumed innocent until guilty. It’s not like we’re talkin’ bout France. Ragin’ amputees and hermaphrodites. It’s just another week in South African track and field.

Who could forget this Nick Nolte worthy mugshot? An athlete could only hope to have this dead sexy on his arm. Kim Mattingly is back. This time she’s bringing some family and she will cut off that TV if you don’t take her insults like a man.

Taylor Mattingly, the oldest son of Don Mattingly, was arrested after shoving and spitting on his mother because she sent him insulting text messages and cut off his satellite TV.

Mattingly acknowledged confronting his mother, Kim Mattingly, on Tuesday afternoon in her Evansville home after she had sent him a text message insulting him, his girlfriend and his father, Vanderburgh County Sheriff’s Deputy Nathan Espenlaub said Wednesday.

The deputy wrote in an affidavit that Mattingly acknowledged pushing his mother down and spitting on her. Mattingly, who surrendered to police Tuesday evening, also acknowledged smashing a patio table, flipping over a second table and damaging a patio door and a window.

The affidavit states that Taylor Mattingly, who was drafted by the Yankees in the 42nd round in 2003 but no longer plays professionally, said his mother had been drinking and that when she gets drunk she calls him and makes rude comments.

Insulting three people in one text message is rather impressive. Kim claims that Taylor became angry with her after she couldn’t get a car dealer to trade his car in for another one. He blew his lid when cut off his satellite TV service. He came over to her house within 15 minutes and and that’s when things popped off. You can’t cut off Home Improvement in Indiana and not expect to reap the whirlwind.

Care to bet any money on the next time Donnie Baseball goes back to Evansville? Kim probably insulted his 100% cotton pants. That would set any son off. Maybe he could trade Kim and Taylor for players to be named later or a bucket of week old, room temperature shrimp. The Pirates would probably take them for a couple top prospects plus Jack Wilson and Freddy Sanchez. That’s just how they do.

What’s Plaxico Burress doing? Whatever the fuck he wants to.