DMX Archives

Todd Carney Wants To Know Where His Dogs At


Americans like to think they’re the best at everything. We think we’re number one and everyone should just recognize and accept it. This is when reality kicks in. It’s a bitch sometimes. Europeans wipe their asses with our dollars and Australian athletes continue to run laps around Americans when it comes to drunken debauchery. We have our exceptions like our namesake, Lawrence Phillips and Eddie Griffin but they are few and far between.

Star rugby player Todd Carney is in deep shit…again. This time he’s in trouble for tearing up the club and pissing on a friend of teammate Dane Tilse during a post-match drinking marathon. He and teammate Bronx Goodwin, who assaulted two people outside the club, are in so much trouble that they may be cut by their team. They also could be prevented from joining another team by the NRL.

According to a witness at the hotel on Sunday night, Carney and Goodwin were “out of control” and “on the p… hard” before the incidents.

Tilse’s mate had come from interstate to watch the match, claimed the witness, who works at All Bar Nun. “The guy was in the toilet and Carney has just turned and [pissed] up and down his leg,” the witness said

Several other Raiders players attempted to calm the situation and apologise, but Carney and Goodwin – who allegedly harassed another patron – were removed by security from the pub about 10.30pm.

The pair apparently then went to the city centre where they attempted to gain access to Canberra Casino but were refused entry. “They were out of control,” the witness said.

Around midnight, the pair returned to the northern suburbs bar, which was closed, and were told the leave the area by security as people were waiting for taxis.

The witness said Goodwin then lashed out at another reveller who had nothing to do with the Raiders team – allegedly hitting him about five times in the face.

“The guy was hopping in the cab and he (Goodwin) smashed him. They were good hits, I felt sick in the guts, he copped a flogging,” he said. “Bronx smashed someone for no reason. Carney was being held back by a few of his sponsors.”

The sponsors were “feeding” Carney drinks and the two players became “too drunk”, the witness said. Neighbours said they heard “barking” in the street for about 20 minutes before the brawl occurred.

“It was like a real dog barking, but you could tell it was human,” a neighbour said. Carney was allegedly ejected from the same premises last weekend for “barking” at women, the witness said.

You hear that, Ray Lewis? Your bark is empty. Carney channels DMX because his bark is strong like drunken dingo.

The Daily Telegraph also notes that this incident is not the first time Carney’s gotten into it. Just last year he was involved in a police chase in Canberra. In 2006, he was arrested for drunk driving and had his license suspended for five years. Carney should come over here and try his luck in American football. He has much to offer the Bengals.

Not to be outdone by Rampage Jackson’s multiple arrests in one week, DMX goes for number of arrests record.

Clinton Portis Ain’t Even A Pets Man


Janky Spanky is having a change of heart. All dogs are puppies. He’s going to love them, hug them and never let them go.

Portis has since done his own ad hoc research on the subejct and saw people crying over two humpback whales trapped in a river near San Francisco. He said he even wondered if he was being watched on a hidden camera when a woman sitting next to him at an airport spread a blanket & put down a bowl of water for her dog

The tipping point came during a meeting with Dr. I Don’t Know’s Dawg Council over the weekend. The council consists of DMX, Justin Timberlake (Alpha Dog), Reh Dogg and Elijah Dukes.

DMX: “Uhh love my bitches but where my (censored by Jabari Asim)?”

JT: “What did you come here for? Maybe you don’t want to hit the floor. Oh, one time Joey saw Lance takin’ it on doggy style and thought it was part of Darren’s Dance Grooves. He wanted me to practice with him but I told him to fuck off cause Chris asked me first.”

Reh Dogg: “Them dogs. That’s why I must cry. I need another shower. I want the white boy to lather me while he’s filmin’ me.”

Elijah Dukes: “Yo, them dogs ain’t even bullshittin’, dawg.”

The Bog has a great breakdown of the Portis interview. Strong quote analysis.

Enjoy these Dolemite Jenkins highlights. Let’s hope he has a similar change of heart about Madden.


*posted by Blog Show/Mr. Irrelevant’s Jamie Mottram

Portis’ contribution to the greatest ad campaign in the history of the world.

Where My Dogs At


Yesterday the Deuce brought you the story of Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho holding it down for his dog, Gullit. He was willing to go to jail for his dog and like Henry Hill, he didn’t snitch. Paulie, The Lox, a Yorkshire Terrier, whatever. You think it don’t be like it is but it do.

Mourinho took one for the team but now Gullit is missing and Paddy Power is offering a reward for his safe return. They’re offering £500 for his return but it’s not a cash prize. The £500 is good towards a “free bet on Chelsea winning the FA Cup Final”.

At odds of 17/10 on Chelsea winning the FA Cup the £500 stake could be boosted to £1350 for the dog-finder.

Paddy Power is not only offering a reward but they’re also offering odds on where Gullit will be found.

Where Will The Mourinho’s Terrier Be Found?

4/1 On the Kings Road
8/1 Inside Jose’s manbag
10/1 Battersea Dog’s Home
12/1 Stamford Bridge
12/1 Paddy Power’s Kings Road shop
14/1 Chelsea’s training ground in Cobham
25/1 Wembley
50/1 Wimbledon dog track
80/1 At Huddersfield Town’s Galpharm Stadium – Home of The Terriers
100/1 In the boot of Roman Abramovich’s car
100/1 In Alex Ferguson’s office
250/1 Playing with the Queen’s corgis at Buckingham Palace
500/1 London Zoo
500/1 Isle of Dogs
500/1 In a Damien Hirst exhibition
1000/1 In The FA Cup on Cup Final Day

This could be one of the most brilliant betting scenarios laid out in recent history.

Since we alluded to it…