Michael Jordan has way too much money. He’s the colonel of the muthafuckin’ tank. I wouldn’t be surprised if he bought Master P’s platinum tank from the Make ‘Em Say Uhh video. I’m sure Percy needs the money for his brother’s bail or the And 1 tour bus that’s stuck outside of Biloxi.

Speaking of Cash Money (M period Fresh comma, your wife is my baby mama) and No Limit, why hasn’t anyone suggested a merger? I’m sure the FTC, FCC, FICA or Freddie Foxx wouldn’t have a problem with these corporations combining forces like the Constructicons, Construda or whatever. There would be so much flossin’, there wouldn’t be a single cavity in Louisiana. I digress.

You know who else is impressed by MJ’s holdings besides his wife? Charles Barkley.

“You have to look at it two ways,” Barkley, now an analyst for TNT, said. ” ‘Wow, that’s a lot of money. Wow, that’s a lot of money.’ Then the second way, ‘Damn, Michael’s got a lot of money.’ … Personally I would have to have somebody else write the check. You’ve got to be so [ticked] to write that check.”

Chimp Rage brought you the $168 million story last Monday. It doesn’t matter how you look at it. That’s a shitload of money. Sir Charles is probably thinking about all the bets he could throw down with that stash. Think how great it would be to roll with him and all that money. You could think of any bet and actually make it happen.

“I wonder if Kelly Osborne could eat a snow leopard before it eats her?”
“Sheeeit, only one way to find out! To the A380!”

There’s no question Sir Charles would end up going out like Steve Fossett. It would probably be on a quest in Australia to find out how many Tasmanian Devils it would take to bring down Oliver Miller.

Cheating’s in the air. Can you feel it? Thierry Henry sure can. The Deuce brought you the story of Jose Mourinho getting busted for having an affair. Now it’s up to three. Now we bring you Thierry Henry’s drama courtesy of the Sun.

Henry had an affair with a makeup artist during a commercial shoot and the discovery of text messages led to a divorce and possibly his transfer from Arsenal to Barcelona.

His wife Claire discovered the text messages on his phone and confronted him. Shortly after, he moved out and took off to Spain after a quickie divorce. Now she wants half like Raw.

She is now demanding a £10million divorce settlement, and divorce experts have predicted that a judge will order a “clean break” – with Claire receiving a lump sum payment rather than a proportion of Henry’s future earnings.

It is expected that Claire will be entitled to a large part of superstar Henry’s wealth [estimated at £25million]. And with the revelation that Arsenal’s record goalscorer may have been playing away, she will probably be set up for life.

Henry has retained Heather Mills’ lawyer while his ex Claire has retained Paul McCartney’s lawyer. No way this gets messy…

I could be wrong but ain’t no way that ass is worth £10million.

Irina Malandina’s only getting $300 million instead of $5 billion in her divorce settlement with Roman Abramovich. He may be worth $18 billion but that’s still a huge chunk to give up in a divorce settlement. The Deuce isn’t saying he should go all OJ on her but if she went out Chappaquiddick/Princess Di-style or had a bit of the polonium glow about her, we wouldn’t be surprised.

The Fiver came up with a great plan to get back at Roman. She should take the settlement money and buy herself a soccer team. Then she should use the money to buy John Terry and Frank Lampard as well as entice Jose Mourinho.

This would be inexcusable. At the very least, he should sucker her back to Russia where he’s a Siberian governor and do her like Mikhail Khodorkovsky.

Then again he could be like Michael Strahan and agree to a settlement that he has no intention of paying. So you gotta think about Michael’s situation. $15.3 million up front, $18,000 a month, another man drivin’ his car, fuckin’ his wife, and a house he’s still payin’ a mortgage on. Oh, he’s definitely breaking before Roman.