Derek Jeter doesn’t know a bargain when he sees one. He’s currently building what will be the largest home in the Tampa area. This monstrosity could easily hold 10 strip mall strip clubs. He could easily put Ybor City out of business.

How much is Jeter’s house? It’s impossible to say because “it’s one of a kind and unlikely to attract many buyers besides the ultrawealthy”. The property, purchased under the name of Kered Connors LLC (Derek spelled backwards), brought in $7.7 million several years ago. It comes in a 30,875 square feet which is approximately the size of a Best Buy store.

Instead of blowing his load outbuilding the owner of an RV empire, Jeter should have considered Steve McNair’s house which is currently on the market.

The house is reportedly listed for $3.8M but if you act now, you can get $800,000 off and (wait for it) a football autographed by Steve McNair. What a bargain. Jeter is crazy for not considering this deal. It’s a deal. It’s a steal. It’s the sale of the fucking century. In fact, fuck it. I think I’ll buy it myself.

What a fine poster. How could Mr. Yankee say no to such an exclusive house? Who wouldn’t love to live in the house of someone who sacrificed for all of us like Jesus? Shout out to my boy Ray Ray.

Don’t you mess with my baby! Ain’t nobody fuckin’ with him except me! My baby ain’t never hurt nobody! WHY??!! Oh Lawd, where’s Rev. Al??

You have to love those local tv news interviews with the mothers of people who have clearly done something wrong. Yeah 45 witnesses may have seen Ray Ray shoot up the club but that don’t mean he did nuthin’. He’s a good boy who never got in trouble besides the 268 times he’s been pulled in for questioning and the time he beat down that old woman for her baloney samich and her social security. Add Derek Jeter’s mom to the Not My Baby group on Facebook.

Dorothy Jeter went off on a Daily News reporter who came to her house asking for comment on the tax cheat allegations against her son.

“He pays his taxes,” Dorothy Jeter told the Daily News.

“My boy does everything right – everything right,” she said at her New Jersey home. “He’s paid taxes in New York for every doggone day he’s been there.”

“Do you have children?” she cried. “You know how hard it is to watch on the news that your son is a tax cheat?

“It kills me,” she added. “You’re going to give me a heart attack.”

“This is worse then when I heard he gave that girl who can’t act herpes.”

Ok maybe she didn’t say that last part but I’m sure she would have if she knew about it.

Moms insists that Derek is a resident of Florida and not New York. Legal papers submitted by the state tax authorities rely in part on his statements professing love for the New York. In that case, I’m a resident of Gary and Flint. I love those cities!

The Deuce is quite fond of the Halloween season, it is such a great time for women of the world to dress up in the sluttiest clothes possible and actually get praise instead of scorn for baring tons of cleavage and leg. Women you wouldn’t even think of as bimbos get all hoochied up and it is a wonderful thing. Sadly, this article has nothing to do with them. This is for us sports watching guys.

We, unlike the fine ladies of the world, don’t have the option of wearing some borderline red lingerie outfit with devil horns and saying “I’m the devil” or some pseudo sports related “sexy referee” outfit…we must get more creative. So, we’ve culled together a few sports related costumes that you might want to see if you can use for your Halloween.

We love to help.

1) Travis Henry:
Simple costume to do, all you need is a Travis Henry Broncos jersey, 9 plastic baby dolls, and 1 gigantic rolled up joint in your mouth. The 9 baby dolls should be in a stroller, on your shoulder, head, cradled in your arm, attached to your tit, on your legs…all over because, where the hell you gonna keep 9 kids??

2) Roy Williams

3) Derek Jeter
For the guy who doesn’t want to get laid that night, wear a Jeter jersey and add a huge ass cold sore on your face with some make up. Prepare for no female to talk to your Herpes ridden ass.

4) George Steinbrenner
Get yourself a white turtleneck, sport coat, and a white wig…walk around saying “Great to see ya, Tommy,” to everyone in the room.

5) Bill Belichick
Wear a hoodie and a headset, look real sour all the time and have a friend videotape everything that is going on across the bar/party for you.

6) Greg Oden
Get a tree costume…wear Oden’s jersey. DONE!

7) Bill Simmons
If all the above is too hard to do, just be Bill Simmons. To do this follow these steps: a) be white, very white; b) dress incredibly average in every way; c) be the most pompous and smug guy in the room; d) talk relentlessly about the Karate Kid, 90210, Boston sports teams and your friends no one cares about; e) try to give your book away, watch no one take it.

Any more suggestions?