Last week we went a lame 6-7-2, losing the upset special and winning the lock of the week.  Of course, things could’ve changed if i was allowed to pick the ‘Skins and and change my Patriots bet to New Orleans which I did later in my own personal action, but you gotta roll with what ya got, and what I’ve got is an overall record of 92-74 with 2 pushes.  My locks of the week are now 7-5 and my upset specials are 5-7.  Quite a mirror image there.  We know we can do better though and we strive for perfection this week, lucky 13.  Shall we get on to the picks?  As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is Melissa from the Atlanta Falcons. Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip to the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.*

DENVER -5 at Kansas City

Starting off with a real winner here, eh?  I am liking Denver to win this one easily by 5 points, especially after seeing what they did last week against New York, beating them by 20.  When Orton is healthy and playing for this Broncos squad they seem to always have a chance and their defensive shortcomings shouldnt get exposed too much against this Chiefs squad.  Take the Broncos here easy.

As a side note, I just spilled water all over myself.  Whenever I drink any other beverage but water, I take my time with it, taking small enough gulps so that nothing spills out too fast from whatever lip of whatever glass I am drinking from…but not water.  With water, the rules of drinking go by the wayside.  I will throw my head back and chug that bitch down like I’ve been wandering in the Mojave desert for 3 days. If it spills on me, meh, its just water, it’l dry and it’l be like nothing happens.  Normally this isnt too much of an issue, except when I do it at work and I have to hide out in my office until my shirt or pants dry from the water I was splashing on myself.  No, i’m not sweating, no, its not pee.  Just water.  Anyone else do this?  Can’t just be me drinking with such reckless abandon.

Oakland at Pittsburgh OVER 37

I hate the large line on this game.  Who knows what Big Ben’s head is gonna be like in this game?  Who knows how Gradkowski will do against the Steelers D?  Who know how well the Steelers will perform without Polamalu yet again?  I don’t know any of this.  So, personally, I would stay away from this like a $2 beer night in Georgetown.  But, if you must be a douche and go, then just take the Over.  37 seems low, like they are daring you to make this bet.  Well, take the dare, you’re a douchebag anyway since you’re in georgetown drinking bud lite for 2 bucks, you might as well go home with the ugly girl that is just daring you to dance with her.

HOUSTON +1 at Jacksonville

Both of these teams are pretty middling teams in the NFL at 5-6 and 6-5 respectively.  The Titans are in the midst of a 3 game skid and what looks to be another mediocre season, the Jaguars are coming off a loss of their own and are just as average  Each team has a star on it with Andre Johnson and Maurice Jones-Drew playing the role of offensive superstars.  So who to choose?  Well i am taking the Texans here.  My analysis? I have none…but that was a nice little lead-up to absolutely nothing huh?  Toss a coin here, you could do worse.  Take the Texans, get some odds.

PHILADELPHIA -5 at Atlanta

Philly has lost one of their young wide receivers, but another will just sprout up to take his place.  It wasn’t so long ago that Philadelphia had no actual talent at wide receiver, now between Jackson, Avant and Maclin they don’t even need former starters Reggie Brown and Kevin Curtis…well with Jackson down this week, Brown and Curtis will have to step right in.  The Falcons will be without Matty Ice this week after he fucked over countless fantasy teams last week going out after throwing for 15 yards with what was described as “a toe”.

You never want to see your fantasy football season end in week 12 because your quarterback had a toe injury.  Its not like Ryan runs around that much, they have a decent line, why does he need a fully functioning toe?  Is he throwing the damn ball with his toe?  He isn’t a kicker or punter, and, as a matter of fact, they don’t even kick with their toes.  If this was 20 years ago Matt Ryan would’ve cut the toe off and just kept playing a la Ronnie Lott and his finger lo’ these many years ago.

But I guess ya cant go back.  Anyway, Chris Redman is starting and while he played well last week, I dont trust him as far as Matt Ryan’s toe will take him on a walkabout.  I’m taking the Eagles here.

Detroit at CINCINNATI -13

The Bengals’ offense is not that impressive right now.  Their line stinks and they’ve been asking Palmer to do too much lately with no help besides the impressive Ocho Cinco.  Luckily, they’re getting back Cedric Benson this week and should be able to move the ball on the ground against the lowly Lions.  These Lions are banged up, did you see Calvin Johnson try to move last week?  They say he’s alright this week but my 88 year old grandma has more git-up-n-go in her step than him.  Stafford is not well either.  So you have an injured star receiver, a hurt rookie quarterback and a running back that is average in all ways with average defense and a bad offensive line.  Yup, looks like they might not win another game this year. Congrats to them though, they are 2 games better than last year.  Take the Bengals here.

NEW ORLEANS -9.5 at Washington

Some weeks I actually want to take my Redskins in some sports betting action, but I don’t because I cannot be a homer gambler anymore.  Regardless, this week is not one of those weeks.  New Orleans is going to face rape the Redskins.  It is going to happen and it won’t be pretty.  Bangbus wouldn’t even film this.  I am not even sure if I am going to watch this game.  Take New Orleans…do not look directly at the television set…just read the box score later.  It’l be alright someday Redskins fans.

Tampa Bay at CAROLINA -6

Carolina is starting untested Matt Moore at quarterback, Tampa Bay is starting slightly tested Josh Freeman at quarterback.  This is like the futures game of the week in the NFL.  I’m going with the total unknown here, he’s got a decent running game and a somewhat solid defense to fall back on while Freeman just has his legs.  Take Carolina, buy some Christmas presents for the kids with the money you will win on this one.

St. Louis at CHICAGO -9

This game looks a whole lot like the Detroit one we just talked about, only the Bears are far worse than the Bengals while the Rams might even be worse than the Lions.    So why am I taking the bears this week?  Well because the Rams shouldnt be able to put enough pressure on Cutler for him to make the mistakes he’s been making lately.  I’m so confident in this, i am actually starting him in a must win game for my big money fantasy team this week.  My confidence is awesome…and will be my downfall.

Not that you care at all about my fantasy team either but forgive the rant.  Just know that I have cut my 2nd and 4th round draft picks, my 1st and 3rd rounders are both hurt and Cutler is my starter this week.  I have basically already lost.

San Diego at CLEVELAND +13.5

What is this madness you say?  Taking the Browns vs the slightly mighty Chargers?  Why am I doing this?  Because Mad Max Beyond the Thunderdome is about over an this column isnt even close to being finished.  Well that and because as bad as the Browns have been lately, their defense isnt really this bad and its about time for good ole Norville Turner to put on a real stinker of a game after they’ve been playing well these past few weeks.  On the road, heavy favorites…I dont like it. 2 MEN ENTER 1 MAN LEAVES!  Take the Browns.

SAN FRANCISCO +1 at Seattle

I know, I know, you must think I have some vendetta against the Seahawks this year…or you have no idea what I am talking about.  To clarify, I always seem to bet against the ‘Hawks, and I’ve lost a few times, sure.  But for the most part, this has been a winning strategy and I dont see that stopping this week.  If i was even more of a gambling man than I already am I’d take the 49ers moneyline.  I just can see Seattle running their offense this week by allowing Julius Jones back into the fold.  Justin Forsett was THE MAN last week and he should be the main ball carrier but he wont be and they will lose because of it.

Also, where the hell has Mike Singletary been this season?  Last year he was taking pants off and yelling at reporters and benching players. I mean, remember this?

How awesome was that?  CAN’T DO IT. This year, he’s turned into the black, dentures lisping Bill Belichick.  I don’t like it one bit.  They 49ers have been losing because Singletary’s taken the edge off his game, if he brings it back old school this week, I really like their chances.  Well…even if he doesn’t I like em.  Take the 49ers.

Dallas at NY GIANTS +1

This is a tough game to pick.  Eli is still injured and this team does not work with him injured.  So why am I picking the Giants, especially after losing last week to the Broncos?  Simple.  I hate the Cowboys and think that 8-3 is way above where they should be record wise at this point in the season.  They must regress to the mean.  This will be the start.  Take the Giants.  My non-scientific approach to sports gambling tells you so.

BALTIMORE +3 at Green Bay

The Pack has been an underwhelming team even with a 7-4 record.  The Ravens have been more underwhelming.  Despite the Packers’ offense lighting up the fantasy scoreboard all season, their line stinks and while the Ravens’ defense isnt what it used to be, they should be able to attack the Packers with the blitz, and cause Rogers to do too much.  This week, I like Joe Flaccooooe to win hun.  Take the Ravens.

UPSET SPECIAL OF THE WEEK

LOCK OF THE WEEK

*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you’d be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.

Not really a ton of time to get the picks out this week with the holiday festivities, but i’d be remiss to give you my picks for the day. Full recap of last week’s action and the rest of the picks will be up Friday, but here’s todays picks.

Last week we were a disappointing 7-8, although I should’ve been 8-7 since I would’ve picked Jacksonville had I known MJD was going to play, but that is the pitfalls in making your picks on Friday morning, so I’ll stick with the 7-8. Although you know, and I know, what the real play was there. The lock of the week (5-5 on the year) failed but the upset special won (4-6 on the year) and we are now 74-65 for the year, 53% so far, which means we need to go on a run to hit the magic 56% number we all strive for. Hopefully this week will be better. Lets get on to the picks. As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is Linda from the New York Jets. Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip to the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.*

Cleveland at DETROIT -3.5

Well this is just the NFL equivalent of watching a cripple fight isn’t it? You feel sad for the two participants but you can’t help but watch anyway because hey…cripple fight, right? Its the NFL, you really cant help but watch every game you possibly can, even if it is this game of two sad excuses of NFL teams. If you must put action on this, I like the suddenly looking somewhat stable Lions to beat the constantly in turmoil Browns and to cover the field goal and then some spread. For some reason the Browns’ defense has not been playing that bad, they apparently missed the memo to suck for this season, but I just don’t trust their offense to score anything here.

BUFFALO +9 at Jacksonville

Yes, there is no logic here to this pick. ITS CRRRRAAAAZY! Who on earth would think that the Bills, who just fired their head coach Dick Jauron so he can concentrate becoming the completely dead instead of just the walking dead, could actually compete with the Jaguars who just ran all over the Jets, well I do ladies and gents. Take the Bills who will be so happy to finally play to win instead of playing not to lose like the did with “not really tricky at all” Dickie Jauron.

Pittsburgh at KANSAS CITY +10

Pittsburgh is without their defensive rock Troy Polamalu yet again and they are going seriously pass crazy even though their offensive line cannot pass block to save their lives. This game is and should be a get well game for the Steelers and they should win, but I dont like laying double digits to the home dog so the plan here is to take KC and the points and pray that not having Larry Johnson will be enough to allow the Chiefs to function like a real NFL team.

INDIANAPOLIS -1 at Baltimore

The Colts are a really really good football team, meanwhile the Ravens still have people thinking their defense is the one that won them a Super Bowl in 2000. That was 9 years ago people, wake up. They are a 5-4 team right now and looked wretched against the Browns last week. They could only score 1 offensive touchdown against them. That is bad, man, like crazy bad, Beastmaster bad.

Yeah, I am actually watching Beastmaster right now, it is such a bad movie but like the sucker I am, I am still watching it because I am too lazy to find something else on tv. Well that and I find that if there is anything on TV on that I actually care about when I am writing, I get ZERO work done. Funny how that works. I did get a little nostalgic for Marc Singer watching the new V on tv the other day though. I still don’t know if I actually like the new V or if I am just waiting for it to be as awesome as the old V seemed when I was like 8 years old. WTF is Marc Singer up to besides hitting the comic book conventions circuit? Also, Did you know Rip Torn is in Beastmaster? I certainly didn’t know that, but I, sir, am a moron. That guy must’ve had it rough as an actor before the Larry Sanders show, which, by the way, is possibly one of the top 5 greatest television comedies in my life time. Such an underrated show. Or maybe its just rated. At this point, with people like me talking it up its probably making it overrated. Whatever, lets move on, shall we?

ATLANTA +6.5 at New York Giants

The Giants are coming off a bye week and have lost 4 games straight with their secondary and quarterback both injured and struggling while the Falcons are as up and down as any team in the NFL. 2nd year QB Matty Ice is not looking so good this season after his breakout rookie year but his running game has been working for him lately so they could have a chance in this game even if Turner the Burner sits this one out. I wouldn’t pick the Falcons to win this game outright, but I cant see the Giants busting this one wide open. This pick here is a sharp pick if it works and it should…unless the Giants are healed in their secondary and Eli shows no ill effects from his foot thing. If that is the case, I am fucked.

SAN FRANCISCO +6.5 at Green Bay

Another road dog? What am I smoking? Well truthfully, nothing, but I am eating mozzarella sticks and pepperoni slices at the same time. Its like all the fun of pizza without the dough and sauce. You take one bite of the cheese stick and then take a couple pepperoni slices and it is meaty, cheesy tastiness. What is even better are those mozzarella/pepperoni rolls you can get in the cheese section of any grocery store. Its all done for you, you just have to cut it, or, like I do, just chomp down into that sucker and rip you off a piece of tasty meatcheese. There isnt much like snacking on meats and cheeses at 3am while you are trying to blog. You know you’ve entered a new stage in life when you pass on the chips or candy and use meat as your junk food. Its primal and yet refined at the same time. Its refimal.

Anyway, Green Bay is a mess right now and if you’ve been betting on them lately you are a braver person than I. I have no idea how they beat the Cowboys and I bet neither do they. Sure their sound bites all say the right thing, but inside, they have to be like “What the fuck just happened there? We’re still in this somehow! Hot damn!” The 49ers right now look downright scary with their running game and that is helping to mask the fact that Alex Smith is not and should not be a NFL quarterback. How is he not in the UFL? I gotta think Sexy Rexy or JP Losman could do a little better here. Take the 49ers and pray that Mike Singletary can get some pressure on Aaron Rogers since his line has more holes in it than my meth-head cousin’s brain.

Seattle at MINNESOTA -10.5

Big spread, biiiiiig spread. I have done pretty well betting against Seattle all year, especially on the road where they are 0-4. I like their streak of losing and my streak of winning when betting against them to continue here. Seattle’s defense stinks worse than my breath after eating mozzarella sticks and pepperoni all night…Mrs. Rage is not going to be happy when she catches a whiff of this. I’m not even sure if brushing my teeth and mouthwash is going to stop this from blasting her nostrils and making her visibly gag when i see her in the morning. Also, have you ever gotten liquid smoke on your hands? I used a little liquid smoke to flavor some turkey I was cooking up tonight (I live in a condo, no balcony, which means no grill, I needed some smokey flavor and I know it isnt the same but I have to use it anyway, leave me alone) and I got some of it on my hands and it wont go away. The downside of this is, my hands stink of bottled smokey flavoring, the upside is, my hands smell like delicious smoked meats. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have…the facts of life.
So, to sum up, my breath and my hands smell like smoked meats and cheese and take Minnesota.

Washington at DALLAS -11

Who in the hell thought the Redskins could win that game last week? Not I. My personal thanks to Kyle Orton, the Redskins MVP for the game. Their offense was lighting up the Redskins defense when he was at quarterback but once he injured his ankle, they could only muster 36 yards with the spleenless Chris Simms at the helm. Who would’ve thought that a spleen was an integral part of being a QB in the NFL. Lets look at his stats pre spleen removal and post spleen removal:

Pre Spleen: 19 games played, completed 59.1% of his passes, QB rating of 71.2
Post Spleen: 2 games played, 26% completions, QB rating…well it was 7.2 last week…that is bad.

After this small sample size my conclusions are that spleens are necessary for survival in the NFL. Wait I am just handed a note…Drew Bledsoe ruptured his spleen in like 2000, paving the way for Tom Brady to steal his job, and after his spleen got obliterated his stat lines were statistically better in Buffalo and Dallas than when he was with the Patriots. Ok, so maybe not having a spleen only hurts when you are Chris Simms and you suck. You have NOTHING on Major Applewhite, Simms! NOTHING!

NEW ORLEANS -11 at Tampa Bay

New Orleans has been playing it close lately with their opponents and because of that, this week, I like them to break out of their semi-slump and dominate. I say semi-slump because they still haven’t lost a game, they’ve just been playing in some squeakers. Ronde Barber can only do so much against the offense of the Saints. All the Saints receivers should run wild in this game.

Also, am I the only won in this world rooting for a Saints/Bengals superbowl? Who Dats vs Who Deys! Why don’t more teams do this? Someone needs to adopt Who ‘Dis? or Who Dont! or Who Dunnit! Or something.

Arizona at ST. LOUIS +9

The Cardinals have been playing pretty well lately but I like Steven Jackson to make this game competitive. I still cannot say how sorry I feel for that man. He must really love the game to put forth such effort every game for such a God awful team. I like their chances at home here to keep this game close and even possibly steal one away from the NFC Champs.

New York Jets at NEW ENGLAND -10.5

The Jets are frauds, frauds with a running game, but frauds nonetheless. I think the Patriots here do one of those no mercy style beatdowns on the Jets to make up for their close game against the Colts last week. There shouldn’t be any controversy on the final play of this game, unless its about the Patriots trying to run up the score.

TENNESSEE +4 at Houston

With Chris Johnson looking like the second coming of Walter Payton can anyone reasonably bet against the Titans right now? Their defense scored twice last week, they have the best running back in football and Vince Young is playing some very un-Vince Young like football right now. The Texans never seem to ever live up to their hype and even though they have had 2 weeks to prepare for this game, their defense will not be prepared for Chris Johnson. Little known fact (especially do all you Deadspin readers) Chris Johnson’s middle name actually is Duan. How cool is that?

UPSET SPECIAL OF THE WEEK

Cincinnati at OAKLAND +9.5

I just have to think at some point again, real soon, then Bengals will look like the Bungles. This might be it. On the road, with their #1 running back injured, against a team with absolutely nothing to lose…and they just signed the ultimate locker room disaster Larry Johnson. I smell UPSET OF THE WEEK material game right here! I need to hit up a sports bar this Sunday so I can watch this game I think. Watching the Raiders is like watching a NASCAR event, you watch it for the crashes, and crashes in this case mean you watch it waiting for Tom Cable to pull a Woody Hayes or Buddy Ryan and just punch the living shit out of someone.

LOCK OF THE WEEK

PHILADELPHIA -3 at Chicago

Even the Eagles cant mess this game up. The Bears simply are a team lacking in talent right now. Their offensive line is a disaster and their vaunted defense from years past is a shell of its former self. Meanwhile, if Andy Reid could just get out of his way and stop making game planning so complicated, the Eagles could beat anyone in the league. Take the Eagles and the 3 points, this one is a gimme.

*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you’d be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.

Well last week was pretty freakin average. We went 7-6, although truthfully, I would’ve changed my Indy -9 pick as I found out about their injuries on their D later in the week, but ya can’t cry over spilled milk. We were perfect on the Locks of the Week and Upset Specials making our records in those 5-4 and 3-6 respectively and 67-59 overall. Not bad, but we’re going to try to widen that gap a little bit more this week. Lets get on to it, shall we? As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is Stacy from the Philadelphia Eagles. Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip to the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.*

Jacksonville at NEW YORK JETS -7

I was soooo close to taking the Jags and the points in this game because i figured this one could be a close one, then I find out that MJD might have a gimpy knee. Oh dear. Well, while I am a fan of Liberty’s own Rashad Jennings, MJD is the heart and soul of the Jags. They go as he goes…well and how David Garrard goes too i guess…and maybe how their defense goes as well but that is neither here nor there. Since MJD might be hurting, I am gonna go ahead and pick the J-E-T-S to come out of their slumpage and kick the Jags down a notch. Its not like the Jaguars defense can really stop any of the Jets running backs anyway and the Sanchize should be able to not screw this game up. A touchdown, at home, should be plenty for the Jets to win by.

CINCINNATI +7 at Pittsburgh

So these two teams played each other back in September and the score was 23-20 with the Bengals winning. Cinci was a 3.5 point underdog in that game at home, double that and that is what they are on the road in Steelertown. I think this one is a close one. The Bengals and the Steelers are both playing some terrific defense and both are moving the ball down the field on offense. Unless the Steelers D goes nuts on Carson Palmer’s knee, this one isn’t going to be decided by more than 4 points. Take the Bengals.

Buffalo at Tennessee UNDER 41

Guess who is back? T.E. in the hizzy yo! You know what that means? Why it means the Bills have no chance at all at winning this game. Well, ok, they do have a slight chance at winning if their ball hawking defense comes to play and picks off Vincent Young a few times. But it really doesn’t matter who wins this game really because I am going for the totals here. I dont anticipate this game having a lot of points. Do you really expect the Titans to score over 30 points for the 3rd week in a row? I certainly don’t. Vinsanity has to come back to earth, Trent Edwards is lookin more like Trent Green with his concussion issues, and both teams will be grinding it out on the ground as much as they can. Take the Under here, its the safe pick for sure.

DETROIT +16.5 at Minnesota

Jesus, that is a lot of points for the Vikings to cover. Sure it is at home and Stafford just had a 5 INT game, but there is no way I can pick a team to cover that many points. Its difficult to imagine that the books are getting equal action on this one, but their loss is your gain. The Vikings defense is not playing well enough now to beat the Lions by 17 points, garbage time will screw them on that for sure. Take the Lions and watch the game pretending that the Lions already have a 16 point lead. Trust me, it’l make it a TON more enjoyable to watch.

ATLANTA -1 at Carolina

This might be the toughest game to pick this week. Both of these teams are impossible to figure out to me. At some times Matt Ryan is a world beater while others it he is just beating himself. The Panthers, meanwhile, are now somehow winning games without any passing game whatsoever. They should just try to be like Navy and never pass the ball, ever. Its worked pretty well for them, I don’t see why the Panthers can’t give it a shot. Can’t be any worse really because how can you trust Jake Delhomme at this point in his career? How bad must the backup quarterbacks be on this team if they are still playing Delhomme? I have no idea who is gonna win this, on paper (my papers at least), the Falcons should win, so I am just gonna go with that and pray it comes true.

TAMPA BAY +10 at Miami

Miami should win this game, hammering the ball at the Bucs with their corps of running backs and if Tampa was smart, they would be doing the same thing in return. However, there is no way I think Miami wins this one by more than 10. If Tampa could put the smack down on Green Bay, certainly they can keep up with Miami. Least I think so…and that is what is important, right? RIGHT?

KANSAS CITY +2 at Oakland

This is a matchup of two of the must brutal offenses in the league. This is NOT a marquee mathchup any stretch of the imagination. I dont even want to pick it really. I really care so little about this game. You shouldn’t watch, you shouldn’t bet on it, but if you do, just take the Chiefs. I dont ever, EVER like Oakland as a favorite.

Seattle at ARIZONA -9

I’ve done pretty well this year picking against the mighty Seahawks and I am hoping this won’t end now. The Cards are coming on strong, picking up momentum as the season progresses and I think they will romp over the Seahawks this week. The ‘hawks just don’t have enough on defense to slow down the prolific attack of the Cards.

The one good thing about the Seahawks is Matt Hasselbeck and watching him on the NFL Network’s Sound FX. This guy is a fucking riot. Listening to him on the field, you can completely tell that 1) He knows Seattle is going nowhere this season and 2) He can just have fun this season because if he took it seriously he might actually kill himself. You can tell that he honestly doesn’t give a damn anymore. Its brilliant television. If you get the NFL Network, dvr/watch Sound FX for last week’s games, its totally worth it for this guy. Anyway, the Seahawks have beaten the Rams, Jags and Lions…no way they are winning this week, take the Cards and the points.

Philadelphia at SAN DIEGO -1

Last time Phily went out to the west coast they got beaten by the lowly Oakland Raiders. I don’t think this week will be much different…except that San Diego is actually starting to play really good football right now. Attribute this spread to the mighty EAST COAST BIAS and the lie that is the strength of the NFC East. Take the Chargers and let Marmalad/Kinglaserface take you to victory.

DALLAS -3 at Green Bay

Oh, see what i just wrote about the NFC East right there…well it doesn’t apply to this game. The Packers are a team in some serious trouble right now. Their offensive line is horrrrrrrrrrrible and Aaron Rogers isn’t helping things right now by not getting out of the way of all the defensive players that are sacking him. Even though the skill players are still putting up crazy good fantasy points, the team as a whole is not playing so well right now. The Cowboys, on the other hand, look to be gelling at the right time. Miles Austin is a revelation. That crazy toothed mofo can get open, run real fast and actually hold onto the ball. All the things that receivers should do, but so, so many of them dont. Look at Roy Williams, Ted Ginn and the entire Washington Redskins receiving corps and so many others for proof of that. Stick with what works, the power running and Miles Austin and Dallas should cover 3 points on the road here easy.

New England at INDIANAPOLIS -3 (+105)

CLASH OF THE TITANS! GAME OF THE YEAR! GAME OF THE MONTH! GAME OF OUR LIVES! This game is SO BIG they should put Pat Summerall and John Madden back together and reanimate Howard Cosell’s lifeless, dead and buried corpse to be the world’s creepiest sideline reporter EVER. Way creepier than Pam Oliver’s fivehead. Two of the douchiest quarterbacks ever in one EPIC BATTLE for AFC DOMINATION.

There are only 2 real good games this week, Cinci/Pittsburgh is one and this is the other and both are only AFC teams. The AFC playoffs are going to be so much more entertaining than the NFC games or the Super Bowl. Because of this, I think we should celebrate the AFC playoffs the way we normally celebrate the Super Bowl and celebrate the Super Bowl the way we normally celebrate the Pro Bowl, because in reality, it is going to be about as meaningful as that game. Whomever wins the AFC Championship is pretty much the best team in the league. At least reanimated Howard Cosell would say so…or something like “mmmMMRRRUURRGGGH!”

Anyway, I think it is possible that the Patriots are just dickish enough to end the Colts winning streak right here and leave Peyton Manning to look like, well, Peyton Manning, but I cannot resist a juicy line like the one I have above. Taking the favorite, giving points, but getting odds…I love it. People are on the Pats 2 to 1 in this one, but the line has been pretty steady at -3. I think the Colts D is getting stronger every week and Peyton is playing football as if he were Neo in the Matrix, everything is just slow for him. They stay unbeaten, take the Colts.

Baltimore at CLEVELAND +10

Baltimore has been looking pretty average as of late and this week the Derek Anderson show is over with Brady Quinn starting for the Browns. 10 points is an awful lot for the Ravens to score on the road, even though the Browns really have no defense whatsoever. This is a horrible Monday night game and ESPN should be pissed that it is on their schedule, especially with the Sunday Night game looking to be like the NBC’s Battle of the NFL Network Superstars. Just take the home dog and immediately hop in the shower to wash away the shame you will have for betting this game…and you will bet it. Its Monday Night Football, you are going to either try to cap your winning week off with a big win, or try to recoup your losses from all the other games you listened to me on. We all know this and you know this. Just admit you have a problem and that is the first step on the road to recovery.

UPSET SPECIAL OF THE WEEK

New Orleans at ST. LOUIS +13.5

My spidey sense was tingling last week with the Saints and I was right, they didn’t cover in a game they clearly should have…but I didn’t listen to it, much to my dismay. I’m not making the same mistake this week. Plus, while looking over the numbers on this one, pretty much 99% of the action is on the Saints to cover…yet the line either hasn’t moved or has gone DOWN from 14 points. What does that tell you people? It tells you that the Rams are the play here with out a doubt. I don’t exactly know how this is going to go down…but it will…and you will reap the benefits from it.

LOCK OF THE WEEK

DENVER -3.5 at Washington

Since I told myself that I could never bet on Washington again the rest of the season, this is the most obvious pick on the board. Amazingly, betting against Washington for the season has worked out quite well. As a matter of fact if you only bet against Washington all season, you would actually be up a considerable amount of money. The Redskins have beat the spread once, against Carolina, when they lost by 3 points instead of 5. They actually pushed their first game of the season, losing to the Giants by just 6 points. The other 6 games the Redskins have played this year, they failed to cover their end of the bargain. Fading the Redskins is the only way to gamble people! You would be 6-1-1 if you did this! So why go against the grain? Fade them again this week, take the Broncos who should easily cover 3.5 points against this woeful Redskins squad.

*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you’d be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.

WOW. Last week was awesome huh? If i didn’t monkey around and give you guys the over/under/ml picks I would’ve gotten 12 of 13 right. As it was, I got 8 right and 5 wrong here. Amazingly my lock of the week was the only game against the spread that I lost, the rest was just crazy picks for you kids and I am vowing now to not go nuts and give you more spread picks. All in all, last week was our best week of the season by far and it will only get better. To date, I am 60-53, 4-4 on locks of the week and 2-6 on upset specials. Lets keep making money this week, on to the picks. As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is Sabrina C. from the Atlanta Falcons. Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip to the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.*

KANSAS CITY +6.5 at Jacksonville

After the stinker the Jags laid last week, I am not sure how they are favored by almost a touchdown against the Chiefs. They’ve lost to the Titans and only beat the Rams by 3 points, are we so sure that they will beat the Chiefs down by a friggin touchdown? Certainly NOT! I personally think its more likely that without the Larry Johnson mope-show around, the Chiefs might be focused enough to actually win this one. Clock is always right two times a day, this might be the 2nd time. Take the Chiefs.

Baltimore at Cincinnati +3

Ok, the Bengals went to Baltimore and beat the Ravens, but the Ravens are the favorites on the road against them…I don’t get it. This, to me, is an example of the public putting money on a sentimental favorite and not giving respect to the underdog…who shouldn’t be an underdog. Have you seen the Bengals’ record this year? Here’s a hint, it is better than the Ravens’ record. Just take the home dog, and watch double your money come back to you.

DETROIT +10 at Seattle

Stafford is gonna play, Megatron (see right) is back and Kevin Smith isnt hurt, surely they can keep up with the Seahawks in this one. Yes we all know Seattle is a difficult place to play, but the ‘Hawks are hurting on their O line and their running game is horrendous even when it is healthy. They won’t be able to grind out a win here, Detroit will keep this one close. Take the Lions to cover.

Also, how fucking cool is it that Calvin Johnson is nicknamed Megatron? Its a great nickname, I’d love to be nicknamed Megatron, but despite its awesomeness, does it even make any sense to call him that? Its not like he is evil, its not like the Lions are the “bad guys” in any game they play in, and its not like he’s the leader of the team. He is a wide receiver, by the nature of his position he is a complimentary player.

I think that if Calvin Johnson had to be nicknamed for a Transformer, he should’ve been named Ultra Magnus (see right). Don’t know who he is? Well do listen on. First off, he is an Autobot, a good guy, which by all accounts Calvin Johnson is. Also, the Autobots were the gritty gutty underdogs a lot of the time to the Decepticons and their evil schemes. Always on the defense, never on the attack. See, UM was a city commander, not a supreme commander like Optimus Prime or something, so he wasn’t the man in charge, just one of the team leaders. A complimentary role. He also was a car carrier when he transformed. He could literally carry his team on his back if need be, much like CJ can do now. Also, when he did kick it into gear, he was one of the most devastating Autobots out there. Plus Ultra Magnus is just a damn cool name. If I ever have a son, you’d better believe that boy is going to be named Ultra Magnus. Magnus Ver Magnusson can suck it!

Houston at INDIANAPOLIS -9

Really not sure what is going to happen here, I think the loss of Owen Daniels is really going to hurt the Texans’ offense more than a lot of people think. Without O.D. and with Ryan Moats starting at RB for them, I just think the Colts’ defense can key in on Andre Johnson and keep shutting down Kevin Walter like so many teams have before them. I mean, Moats had himself a heck of a game last week, but there is a reason that no one in fantasy football had even considered picking Ryan Moats off the waiver wire at any point in his professional football career…he’s Ryan Fucking Moats. Moats! Even his name sounds like he is running through sludge. Take the Colts.

GREEN BAY -9.5 at Tampa Bay

This one, in theory, should be a cakewalk for the Pack. The Bucs are horrible, just horrible and the Packers have proven that when Aaron Rogers has time to throw, he’s damn near unstoppable. Don’t even think about taking the Bucs here. Its Packers all the way.

Miami at New England -10.5

Miami is not going to be able to catch up to New England once they take the lead and begin pressing down on the neck of the Dolphins…wait do Dolphins even have necks? Maybe they’ll just be pushing down on the blow hole or some shit. Anyway, the Patriots are feeling the flow right now, Brady and Moss and WELLLKAHH yadda yadda you know what is gonna happen here. Pats win, boring. You take the Pats to win, you win, exciting. Exciting is good. Do it.

Carolina at NEW ORLEANS -13

If any game has the smell of “Letdown Game” all over it, it is this one, yet I am still picking the Saints. The reason is that once Carolina gets behind, they are going to have to throw. When Carolina throws, Darren Sharper is going to be intercepting balls from Jake Delhomme to the tune of at least 10 times in this game, with 6 of them being returned for touchdowns. A little bit of exaggeration to prove the point. Carolina’s run game will not be able to carry them in this one. Book it. Ship it. Saints cover, take em.

Tennessee at SAN FRANCISCO -4

I love the 49ers this season. They play in some entertaining games and even though they’ve lost their last 3 games, they are a fun and firey team to watch, especially with Alex Smith finally playing up to his potential (well, somewhat, he was a #1 pick so he’s got a ways to go). I think this one San Fran wins. We all know the Titans are a bad football team and even though they dismantled the Jags last week, they will show their spots in this one. The Vince Young comeback trail will hit a gigantic pothole against the 49ers defense and the wheels should come off. San Fran should come away winning this one by a TD easy.

SAN DIEGO +4.5 at New York Giants

The Giants are a hurt team. Ever since Eli has battled his foot injury he has been less than effective at the helm of the Giants offense, and that was after one brilliant start to the season. Not to mention the health of their secondary with Aaron Ross probably out again. Meanwhile the Chargers have won 2 in a row but really haven’t beat anyone good this year. This is their chance…which of course means Norv will fuck it up somehow. Regardless, I’m all over the Chargers in this one.

Speaking of NYC though, what the hell is up with the massive all media orgy over the NY Giants winning the World Series? I know New Yorkers think their city is the center of the universe and pretty much the center of the news media universe, but Christ on a stick, if I have to hear “All is right in the universe now” or “The world is right again” or “The trophy is back where it belongs” from another mouth breathing or “I am not emo anymore because being a hipster is much cooler” New Yorker I might actually have to slap a bitch. The trophy belongs with whomever won that year asshats. You never hear Steelers’ fans say “All is right in the universe now, the Lombardi trophy is back where it belongs” when they win yet another Super Bowl? You dont hear it when the Red Wings dominate yet another Stanley Cup? No, so shut the fuck up and enjoy your moment in somewhat of a classy manner. You remember how you hated all the wannabe Red Sox fanboy assholes with their pink hats and popped collars suddenly thinking their shit didn’t stink because they were fans of a team that won a couple World Series? Remember that? Well learn from it for once. You’ve won 2 World Series in 9 years, congrats…that is a .222 average. Whoop-de-fuckin-doo. That is better than some, not as good as others. Also, you live in a city where you cannot see the sun. YOU CANNOT SEE THE SUN AND YOUR STREETS STINK LIKE YESTERDAY’S GARBAGE. Enjoy your parade fucksticks and I hate you all.

Dallas at Philadelphia UNDER 48

Philadelphia’s offense thrives off of the big play, as does Dallas’ offense. Miles Austin’s whole career has been based off the big play so far. So guess what? I dont think any big plays are gonna happen here this week. I’m going out on a limb on this one and I’m gonna say both of their defenses are actually playing better than both of their offenses right now and I think that this one actually could be quite a defensive struggle. Will it happen? Probably not with my track record on over/unders, but I am gonna give it a shot anyway. Go under!

PITTSBURGH -3 at Denver

The Steelers are back…well Polamalu is back, which means the STEELERS ARE BACK. Denver lost for the first time last week and they will lose this one as well because while they will pressure Big Ben and sack him a couple times, they will also get gashed when they blitz and fail. The sacks will not balance out the times they get beat. Also, the Broncos’ dink and dunk offense will not be able to get any momentum against the vaunted Steelers defense, preventing the surprising Broncos D from getting off the field enough to be competitive late in the game. Steelers win this and cover, take em.

UPSET SPECIAL OF THE WEEK

ARIZONA +3 at Chicago

Two weeks ago the Cardinals went out to the east coast and shocked the world by beating the Giants. Well, ok they didnt shock me, I picked that game right dammit. Trust me when I say that I am also picking this one right. The Cards lost in a bad way to the Panthers last week as their running game tore up the Cardinals defense…luckily the Bears are struggling a bit in their running game this season. As a matter of fact, the Bears are struggling in all facets of their game right now and that is why I am liking the Cardinals to win this one. The Bears defense will struggle to stop the high flying Cards offense from scoring, even if Boldin is out for the game. If Arizona can get any pressure on Cutler, he will throw an INT or two. If you were brave, you’d take the ML, but since its only +125, you should take the points.

LOCK OF THE WEEK

Washington at ATLANTA -10

Normally a bye week should help a team. I do not think it has helped the Redskins too much to have 2 weeks to sit around and think about the abortion of a season they are having right now. This season is going so bad, Dan Snyder, he of the Dark Heart, even showed himself in public and sort of apologized to his fans…sorta. Players dont know what is going on. Coaches dont know what is going on and are blaming the players. Players are blaming themselves and the front office. The front office doesn’t know what is going on and is blaming the coaches. The fans certainly dont know what is going on but they do know there are people to blame and it starts at the top at the owner. Total disarray here in Washington DC…which leads me to this double negative. There is no way the Redskins don’t get blown out this week by the Falcons. No. Way. In. Hell. The season has been a bad one, but the one thing missing so far is a dominating blow out by an opponent and I think it happens this week. This is the week it goes from embarrassing to just sad. A cloud of no hope will fall on the city (if it weren’t there already) and it is a LOCK that this week Atlanta covers 10 points and makes the city of Washington sick to their stomachs watching this poor excuse of a football team.

*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you’d be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.