Cristiano Ronaldo Archives
It’s not easy being cheesy. It’s actually hard work but if there’s one guy who will go all out, it’s Cristiano Ronaldo. Whether it’s rocking the short shorts, the pastels or the cheesedick accessories like the murse (man purse), he puts in work like Kool Moe Dee. Most times he maintains his cool but sometimes like all of us, the strain can get to him. Good thing his Manchester United teammates have his back.
Team-mates filled his training room locker with cans of deodorant and aftershave when the Manchester United ace was pictured by the Mirror sweating through a jacket on a night out.
Ex-United striker Brian McClair, now its youth academy director revealed: “As he is never one for getting to training early, he found this picture copied all over the dressing-room. When he opened his locker, all the deodorants and perfumes fell out. He was not amused!”
Oh the hilarity! He probably went straight for the perfumes and left the deodorants where he found them. That wasn’t the best move as Gary Neville tried to eat them later thinking that they were vanilla push pops.
Poor Ronaldo. Manchester United is stuck in 8th place in the league and he can’t get no play from the girls for free anymore. What’s worse for him is that he can’t get them because they think he’s gay.
The chicken tikka colored midfielder struck out with a Colombian telenovela star after she resisted his trademark wink move. Maybe someone should tell him that Sarah Palin cold stole his move with about the same effect.
She told me: He was really red, like he had been laying out in the sun too long, and kept putting oil on himself all the time.
He was wearing these tiny little swimming pants. The way he was preening himself was hilarious.
I had absolutely no idea who he was — and we were all convinced he was gay.
He winked at me and tried to chat me up but I don’t speak English well.
So I just said ‘Sorry’ and walked away.
Ronaldo should just stick with his high pro ho. Either that or embrace his new identity.
Cristiano Ronaldo thought he was big time. He thought he could do what Jaap Stam, David Beckham, Roy Keane and Ruud Van Nistelrooy couldn’t do. He thought he could make Sir Alex Ferguson bend to his will. Here come the pain, big time. He’s staying at Old Trafford this season.
‘Sir Alex Ferguson heard my reasons, I heard his and we have an agreement that the best for both parties would be if I stay. Therefore, I can confirm that next season I will play in Manchester United.
‘For a while, my desire was that Manchester would accept Real Madrid’s bid. To say the opposite would be cheating people and my own conscience.’
Translation: I wanted to leave. I tried to force a move. Fergie said, “Um…no.”
Fergie took the step of flying to Portugal to have a word with the wayward boy.
“I flew to Portugal some weeks ago and we cleared the air and he spoke to some of the players,” Ferguson told MUTV.
“The boy has been through a troubled time in terms of the approaches from Spain but once he knew my stance, he then settled down.
…”We can put this to bed now. It’s finished and the boy is a Manchester United player and that’s the most important thing.”
Whatever he said changed Ronaldo’s tone right quick.
“I was responsible for all this controversy,” [Ronaldo] added.
“I was the one who publicly expressed my desire to go to Real Madrid. I ended up being, even involuntarily, responsible for the poor relationship between the two clubs.”
That’s gangsta. Kunta Kinte should have realized that Fergie sells when he wants to sell and on his terms. Now he’s forced to service Fergie’s favorite boy on demand until the winter transfer window as an example to all others who would challenge the rule of Red Nose.
If you want to know what reparations can do, just follow Cristian Ronaldo. Slave du jour Ronaldo is a man about town. He keeps his pimp limp strong even when he’s on crutches. He may an idiot and douchebag when it comes to handling his transfer to Real Madrid but even he’s smart enough to avoid the walking STD that is Paris Hilton.
Ronaldo was accosted by Hilton at Villa on Wednesday night. He recently broke up with Nereida Gallardo whose pictures you couldn’t have avoided if you tried over the past month. Lady Herpes made for him like Don Vito on an underage girl.
A source said: ‘Paris was all over him. The moment he arrived, she went over to his private table.
‘At one point, she pushed her chest together and made a point of trying to snuggle up against him.
‘But Ronaldo clearly wasn’t interested in Paris. He turned his back on her.’
What’s your sign? Stop sign, muthafucka! I’m not sure what the soccer equivalent of the Heisman is called but this has to be it. He probably saw the flies hovering around her nether regions and recoiled in horror.
Maybe he’s smarter than he lets on. Getting with Paris would definitely drop his transfer value. Who knows how many weeks he would spend out of action thanks to an STD cocktail that rivals a komodo dragon’s saliva? Too bad Eric Djemba Djemba wasn’t around to clean up the mess. He could use the money.