We could sit here and ask ourselves why Cristiano Ronaldo has a naked picture of himself on his wall but there’s no point. It’s exactly what you’d expect someone like him to have in his house and force you to admire during every visit.
The architect who designed the 28-year-old winker’s palace in Madrid said: “Cristiano had all the clichés you can imagine. “Why would he want a grand piano? I think it’s because of the things some people miss out on as children.
“He must have seen it in one of the rich people’s homes in Miami Vice and thought he should have the same.”
“Mr. Torres, I would like the ultimate in douchebaggery. Spare no expense.”
Ronaldo also has ceiling mirrors throughout his house presumably so he could see himself trying to catch herpes from Paris Hilton or just look at himself when no one else is around to feed him compliments.
Ronaldo’s architect apparently goes by the name Mr. Torres. One can only assume he comes from the Mr. Brainwash school. It’s like the Belichick coaching tree for artists. Banksy must be a proud father.
An alarming trend is increasing in English soccer. We’re not talking about roasting. That goes back to the days of the Magna Carta. We’re talking about players getting on the mic and thinking they have skills. We last brought you the manatee-ish warblings of Cristiano Ronaldo covering Julio Igelsias. Don’t worry, Man U fans. You still have Rio Ferdinand. He may be shit on the pitch lately but at least his skills on the mic haven’t faltered … Um never mind.
Fergie should bench him for this abomination. Never mind his crap form for United.
Speaking of Ronaldo, we can’t leave you without letting you know about his new collaboration. The Portuguese walrus of love is reportedly collaborating with Joe Jackson to put an end to George Foreman’s reign as the king of grills. The two are teaming up to release a line of grills shaped like soccer balls called “Goalie Grills”.
If there’s anyone who knows how to work a grill, it’s the guy pictured above. You know I could go with the boxer but I’m gonna go with the effeminate soccer player with the short shorts and pink shirt. Hopefully the grill plays his new jam whenever it’s opened. How long until your guests find a way to impale you with a spatula or spork?
Joe Jackson is claiming this story is true so it’s probably not since we haven’t heard from the tikka-tinged one. If this project is legit, it’ll end with Joe beating Ronaldo to a pulp. “Always be selling, fancy boy!” Tito will be in the corner crying, “That’s what daddy did to Michael when he took my syrup! Mama, make him stop!” while Katherine screams, “Joe, stop beatin’ that girl! Joe, stop beatin’ that girl!”*
Douche Unlimited is the new Love Unlimited. If you’ve been waiting for one more reason to hate on Cristiano Ronaldo, your wait is over. You’ve seen him dive on the pitch like the Kursk. Now witness his musical dive as he covers Julio Iglesias’ Amor Mio.
Amor Mio is just one of the songs that Ronaldo agreed to cover as part of an advertising campaign for Portuguese bank Banco Espírito Santo. They apparently also trample Barry White’s legacy in the name of more deposits. If you hear about Sea World walruses losing their shit in the next couple weeks, you’ll know why. Expect human collateral damage. No one disrespects the Walrus of Love and gets away with it.
Well, what am I supposed to do? You won’t answer my calls, you change your number. I mean, I’m not gonna be ignored, Cristiano!
You don’t leave Sir Alex Ferguson unless he wants you to leave. Jaap Staam, Ruud Van Horseyface and David Beckham got off lucky. He wanted them gone. Cristiano Ronaldo was a different story. Fergie did everything he could to keep him there but the orange one was determined to go for the money grab. Fergie had a Pete Carroll reaction to Ronaldo’s departure and that should have been the end of it however…
Cristiano Ronaldo is under attack from a witch who has been hired to inflict a serious injury on the Real Madrid star.
It is claimed that a famous figure who knows the winger well has hired the practitioner to cast a voodoo spell.
‘I have nothing against this grand club,’ wrote the anonymous witch in a letter to the El Mundo newspaper. ‘I am a professional and get paid very well for using my powers.
‘I have been contracted so Cristiano Ronaldo suffers a serious injury. I can’t promise that will be, but I can say he will be injured for more time than he plays.
‘The person who has contracted me is famous, and knows the player personally.’
In other words, Jobu no help Ronaldo now. Someone’s about to get all Screwface on his ass.
Ronaldo’s current team, Real Madrid blew off the threat by saying this type of shit happens every day. A spokesman called it “a stupid thing just like all the others Madrid comes across every day”.
Wait until they get a bunch of dreadlocked Jamaicans storming the Bernabeu and Ronaldo gets introduced to Screwface’s sister, Goddess of Fire.
If you spend money on something, you expect to get exactly what you paid for. Anything extra is a bonus. This is a post about a bonus Real Madrid doesn’t need or want. The thought of Cristiano Ronaldo hooking up with Paris Hilton should send the Real hierarchy into panic mode. It’s unlikely the club counted on getting a case of the herp along with the opportunity to negotiate terms with the FIFA Player of the year when they paid $130 million to Manchester United.
TMZ reports that Ronaldo met the queen of chickenheads up in the club and ended up accompanying her to her sister Nicky’s house. That physical better include a trip to the free clinic. The idea of him playing at his best during an outbreak is laughable. He whines and dives when he’s healthy so one can only imagine how he’d act when “under the weather”. He’s no Mike Tyson. The former champ won a title belt while ignoring a case of gonarrhea. That’s just wanting to be the best. Ronaldo and his agent might want to consider including a supply of Valtrex when negotiating his $500,000 a week salary.
