MLB.com just put out their top 50 prospects list and well collected it is.  I’m psyched the Nationals have 2 people on it, for realz son!  Whenever i look at lists of players like this though, i can’t help but poke a little fun at some of this year’s new crop of possible MLB superstars names.  Juvenile?  For sure.  Bad habit?  Yup.    Lets look at a few guys that should be the number one prospects in our hearts, if only from their names.

10. Madison Bumgarner – I envision this guy to look like on of the old guys from Trading Places. I know he PROBABLY doesn’t. But it’d be great to have a kid coming up that looks like a 50 year old rich white man. Just with that name he could sit right beside Randolph and Mortimer with a cocktail in one hand and a cigar in another. “Looking good Madison!” “Feeling Good, Louis!”

11. Carlos Santana – His walking to the plate music has GOT to be “Oye Como Va” since it loosely translates to “Check this out”, like “Check out this home run I’m about to blast”. When he hits a home run, i will expect Karl Ravech to shout out “ABRAXIS!!” on Baseball Tonight, even though I haven’t watched that show since the MLB Network came into existence. This kid has about a million nicknames built into his name being shared with the esteemed guitarist. Personally, I think he should be called “Jugando” after the track on Santana’s album “Moonflower”. Not only the final part to a badass 3 part medley, it also means “at play”. Apropos no?

22. Starlin Castro – I’ve never been more divided about a name ever. Castro is always badass since he shares the last name with a ruthless dictator. On the other hand, Starlin is sort of a cross between a fish and a luminous ball of plasma. No idea how your parents think that is a good idea. Maybe its a family name. Or maybe they’re just a fan of comic books.

30. Yonder Alonso – If ever a name cried out for a new version of the classic “Who’s on First” sketch it could be Yonder.

“Who’s Alonso?”
“Yonder”
“I didn’t ask where, I asked who!”
“Who?”
“Alsono!”
“Yonder?”
“ARRRGH!”
/punch in face

39. Tanner Scheppers – What an odd name. It sort of sounds like an alcoholic beverage. I do not know why. Just odd. But I like it.

50. Jaff Decker – Jaff just sounds like a name out of Star Wars or something. Like Dack was or Wedge or Biggs…basically he sounds like an X-Wing pilot and that, in and of itself, is AWESOME.  He has a lot to live up to.

Aw shit. Fausto Carmona done woke up the beast. Gary Sheffield’s about black some Cleveland eyes like peas. I can see it now. An angry Shef vows revenge as though someone killed his family while standing in front of the flaming Cuyahoga River with one fist clenched and the other shaking with impotent rage. One by one, he pursues and eliminates everyone who did him wrong last Friday night until all accounts are settled. By the time he’s done, everyone will know that “if you mess with Sheffield … ‘It’s on’.”

Shef is still pissed about last week’s fight that resulted in suspensions for him as well as Cleveland’s Fausto Carmona, Victor Martinez and Asdrubal Cabrera. In fact, he’s so pissed that he’s gonna eat lightning and crap thunder until it’s done.

… Detroit’s designated hitter said he still plans to get even with those players who joined the fray to punch him instead of being peacemakers.

“When guys take cheap shots, I take that personally,” he said. “When I find out who they are, they’ll have to deal with me.

“It will never end until I get you. That’s just the way it is. I don’t mess with nobody. I don’t bother anybody, but when you bother me, it’s on. It could be off the field, on the field, it doesn’t matter.

“I don’t care about what the league thinks or about what they do. I have enough money to cover any fine they’ve got, trust me.”

Shef promised to follow up on [Vice-President of On Field Operations for Baseball] Bob Watson’s penalties and “[penalize the Cleveland players] too”. He’ll pursue them to hell and back. Maybe he’ll get them tomorrow. Maybe a week from now. Maybe a year. He could even wait until they hold their retirement press conferences and blubber like little bitches in front of the press.

Fausto Carmona’s dad: Why don’t you get the hell out of here!”
Shef: “Shut up, old man! I ain’t goin’ nowhere!”
Carmona: “You know you got a big mouth.”
Shef: “Why don’t you come down here and close it for me, Carmona!”
Shef (to Carmona’s wife): “Hey woman! Hey woman! Listen here, since your old man ain’t got no heart, maybe you’d like to see a real man. I bet you stay up late every night dreaming you had a real man, don’t you. I’ll tell you what. Bring your pretty little self over to my apartment tonight and Shef’ll show you a real man.”

You have been warned. Gary Sheffield will destroy any man who tries to take what he has. You probably shouldn’t worry. The list of takers is so long, he probably won’t get to you. He still has to deal with Joe Torre, Derek Jeter, Bill Spiers, Jesus, Grimace and that non-flying fuck Ralph Hinckley.

MLB and Taco Bell have got a deal that will cost you nothing, except minutes off your life. If any person steals a base in the World Series, Taco Bell will give away 1 free taco to everyone in America. Thats right, free tacos baby. Lets all get a little fatter peoples. Eat up.

In other news, Boston is going to the world series again, denying the Indians yet ANOTHER chance to win something…anything…in any sport. Those poor bitches. Hopefully the Rockies won’t be rusty from the slight layoff and will crush the BoSox, I honestly cannot have a year where the Red Sox and the Patriots are both champions…my soul weeps at the thought.

Despite the Indians losing, Paul Byrd’s name won’t be leaving the headlines anytime soon, the Cleveland pitcher has been found out to be a former HGH user, spending around 25,000 bucks for the pleasure of using the illegal drug. God is good isn’t he? Byrd does say he was prescribed the HGH for use in rehabbing an adult growth hormone deficiency…wait, aren’t you supposed to stop growing? Byrd really has pie on his face now…

Finally, Steinbrenner Jr. speaks, and he’s calling out Joe Torre. Who is really the ingrate here, Torre or the Steinbrenners?

Link to MLB Taco Giveaway site

Sometimes its too easy.

“Indians Hammer Wang”

Courtesy of the New York Daily News