Week 1 of the NFL is over, thank fucking God. Another lame ass start to a predictably unpredictable NFL Season. Everyone and their mother has a re-cap of the week before, but we at the Deuce would like to offer our own synopsis of the craptacular week one of NFL action. Oh, and hey, fuck you in advance, we may be assholes…but we do really love football:
• Washington 16, Miami 13 (OT)
What a fucking shitfest this was. Neither team’s offense was working and both defenses were looking only somewhat decent because of the ineptitude of said offenses. There’s not much good that came out of this game, its a shame some team had to win. Brandon Lloyd can catch the ball as well as he can rap…which is to say, he fucking sucks. Ronnie Brown sucks only because Jesse Chapman is somehow better. I do love me some Area 51 though…
• Indianapolis 41, New Orleans 10
The Saints played like their heads were up their asses all fucking night. Screw these guys for turning the NFL Opener into a fucking snorefest. How they could they not hit that asswipe Peyton Manning in the mouth once? If the Colts look like this all season, why the fuck don’t you just hand them their second Lombardi trophy in two years? Why play against them, in the immortal words of Denny Green, “Crown THEM”! When you play the Colts, you are going to lose fucktards…AND GODDAMN YOU APPLE, STOP PLAYING THAT FUCKING 1, 2, 3, 4 IPOD COMMERCIAL! IT IS EATING INTO MY SOUL! It’s like that fucking ear worm in Star Trek 2 digging into my brain! Make it STOP for the love of all God’s creatures great and small, MAKE IT STOP!
• Denver 15, Buffalo 14
Jesus, you assholes almost gave me a heart attack at the end of this game! That was a fucking crazy finish…that didn’t even need to happen because that douchebag Elam missed 2 field goals prior to hitting the game winning one. What a fucking retard! Do your damn job! If I go to work and only do 60% of my work I get fired! Plus you fucking paralyzed a guy!! You dirty whores don’t deserve to win this game, you shouldn’t paralyze someone and win, there must be a rule written about this somewhere. God hates those who paralyze people, your season is done Broncos fans.
• Pittsburgh 34, Cleveland 7
Attention Cleveland fans…kill yourselves now, it won’t get any better than this. Pittsburgh just exposed your secondary to have a bigger gaping hole than fucking goatse. Any team that lets Ben Roesthlisfaceplantagainstawindshieldberger look like the second coming of Joe Montana should just commit mass seppuku. Your shame is real, die…now.
• Green Bay 16, Philadelphia 13
Brett Farve should not only retire, he should take himself out behind the shed and shoot himself…although he probably won’t feel it with all the painkillers still in his system from his drug abuse days in the early 17th century and he will keep playing another 50 years. This guy is like the goddammed terminator, just hang that shit up! Your team should never win despite you, they should win because of you. Aaron Rogers must feel like fucking Prince Charles right now just waiting for the Queen to kick the bucket. “Die you old bitch! I want that fucking title! I’m THA KING, muthafucka!!!”
• Houston 20, Kansas City 3
Your season ends immediately after you lose to Houston, it is a fact. You cannot lose to Houston and win a title. This may or may not be an actual fact, but it fucking should be. The Chiefs got outplayed by the Texans every way imaginable. Herm Edwards looks like a HUGE fucking idiot by forcing out Trent Green for no apparent reason other than “you are old”…brilliant coaching move. Genius. Really, if you are going to get rid of your best QB you should, in theory, have someone AT LEAST as good to replace him…guess he didn’t think that far ahead. Herm Edwards…hindsight is thy name.
• Minnesota 24, Atlanta 3
Harrington is exactly who we all thought he is…a shitty quarterback. The Vikings defense tore into the Atlanta offense like Mustafa does a fucking Christmas ham with 6 sacks. Harrington did everything he can to turn Atlanta into Detroit of the South by giving away 2 INTs and providing a ton of suckage while doing nothing with the ball. Giving up Schaub was a stupid thing to do at the time and it’s been made worse by this spectacle. Its not good when Byron Leftwich and Aaron Brooks are probably your best options at QB…and neither one of them are on a team right now.
• Seattle 20, Tampa Bay 6
What? Jon Gruden is still coaching? This guy took a team that Tony Dungy created and won a super bowl…then promptly destroyed them, returning the Bucs to the cellar they should be dwelling in. Fuck you Gruden, Dungy should have two Super Bowl rings, give him yours you undeserving bastard…in other news and entirely average game was played between two NFC teams and no one really noticed…or cared.,,AND WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THIS GUY IN THAT COSTUME???? CHRIST?!?!!?
• New England 38, N.Y. Jets 14
Randy Moss apparently just did not care about playing football the last three years, wasting everyone’s time and money following him…so FUCK HIM for deciding to “turn it on” now while playing for the Goddamned Patriots! There is not a team so full of fucking smugness out there. Even the Colts stay humble with their Christian Coalition head coach leading the charge. This team with their fucking “genius” head coach and their fucking GQ Poster-boy & Sperm Machine quarterback emanates more smugness per player than the rest of the league combined…counting Chad Johnson. If the Mangina, boy genius Eric Mangiani cannot hope to beat this collection of cold sores, who the fuck can?? FUCK, I have never rooted for the Colts in my life…and I won’t until they play the Patriots this season.
• Carolina 27, St. Louis 13
Steven “fucking” Jackson!!!! The fuck happened to you?!?! You were supposed to carry my fantasy football team to glory and you give me ONE POINT?!?! Your TWO (2) fumbles negated the unimaginably bad performance you laid down. Seriously, my hangover shit that smelled like rotted turnips was more impressive than the stat line you laid down you waste of human DNA! The Rams played without Orlando Pace last season and yet, with him gone from this game you’d think their line forgot what they were supposed to do with him gone! I swear, if you do this to me again, I will fly to St. Louis and personally drop a shit in your locker Najeh style bitch!!
• Tennessee 13, Jacksonville 10
AAAAAAAAAARGHH!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? 78 passing yards and you win??? How did Jacksonville not figure out that Tennessee was going to keep running the ball?? Maybe after the 100th yard you’d realize “oh…hey waitaminute…they really aren’t doing anything in the air, maybe we should stack the box with our unbelievably stout defensive line and linebackers?” Holy SHIT there wasn’t a more maddening game played this week! Vince Young is the new Michael Vick…make his scrambling ass throw the ball!
• Detroit 36, Oakland 21
The two worst teams face off against each other in week one of the NFL season. Brilliant! One of these dregs has to come out of this looking good…this week it was the Lions. Honestly, I think if they just had the team captains play the Madden 08 version of this game and shown it on the Jumbotrons it would have been a more entertaining spectacle than this garbage. Lamont Jordan looked like he was tearing up an ACC defense out there…Calvin Johnson as well…as a matter of fact, both of these teams would fit in nicely in the craptacular ACC. I bet they’d go 8-4 each…no way either one can beat BC right now.
• San Diego 14, Chicago 3
Wow…LT goes down for the 2nd most dissappointing numbers for a high fantasy draft pick. You do not want your #1 draft pick to run for 25 fucking yards. Worse yet…HOW DO YOU LOSE WHEN YOU STOP LT? Rivers picked apart the supposedly fantastic defense like Rosie O’donnell picks apart Goddamned pork chop. Mmmmm pork chop. Mmmmm Rosie…ahhhhh waitaminute FUCK!?!
• Dallas 45, N.Y. Giants 35
Where the hell is the defense that Wade Phillips was supposed to bring to big D? That vaunted defense allowed more goaline penetration in 1 game than Lindsay Lohan does in a week in rehab! Why does Tom Coughlin look like a zombie on the sidelines? Seriously, he has not seen the light of day since last season. I’m convinced he is of the undead. Zombie Coughlin sadly is no better of a coach than Un-Undead Coughlin and now he’s lost his #1 QB and #1 RB for the first portion of the season. Tiki Barber…YOU MADE THE RIGHT CALL!
• Cincinnati 27, Baltimore 20
McNair…you are D-O-N-E. You were personally responsible for 4 turnovers (3 fumbles, 1 Int)! This is NOT how you win a game…and yet, Baltimore came within 1 play of tying the game up with one minute left. Were it not for Todd “STONE HANDS” Heap fucking up a pass right to his chest, this game could’ve been in overtime. Way to go Heap…you sir, are a shitbag. Your hands are harder than Max Hardcore during an anal invasion. Carson Palmer…you are better than your brother…which isn’t saying all that much.
• San Francisco, Arizona
Mike and Mike are announcing this game…I am not watching and pretending it doesn’t exist. I fear if I listen to this game, I might actually turn into a chicken, leap out my apartment window, challenge a city rat to a fight and lose in a horrible chicken/rat deathmatch…only to provide a tasty dinner for the polite homeless man who lives behind my building’s dumpsters. At least some good will come of this game. If you care about the score of this game…you deserve to be shit on…repeatedly.
Jansen Photo By REUTERS/Gary Cameron (UNITED STATES)
Steelers Photo By (AP Photo/Mark Duncan)
Seattle Photo By REUTERS/Anthony P. Bolante (UNITED STATES)
Browns Photo By…ahh fuck, i forgot to copy it here…its on Yahoo too.
Young Photo By NFL.com