It’s been a minute since we’ve done a soccer roundup. In the spirit of laziness and lack of motivation to come up with something original, we bring it back like BKs and jheri curls. Randy Watson forever.

Honeymoon Over For The Special One?
The regular season hasn’t even started and already Jose Mourinho is catching some heat physically and in print. What the hell have they done to him? Popped collar? Tikka tinge? He probably rides a lime green Vespa with a lime green helmet to and from the San Siro saying “Ciao!” to people as he rides by. Where’s the Jose of old?

There no need for him to become the Italiguese Terry Venebles.

Jose’s appearance isn’t the only thing under the heat lamp. He’s also catching heat from the Italian press for tearing Juventus and former Chelsea manager Claudio Ranieri a new one the size of the Holland Tunnel.

The Inter coach slammed his Juventus rival by implying he had a loser’s mentality and was “nearly 70 years old” – Ranieri turns 57 in October.

You’ll either find that funny or have the same reaction as the Italian press who are acting like someone’s mother was molested. Comments ranged from “arrogant, offensive and in poor taste” (which isn’t too far off) to “hideous”. Stefano Agretesti of Corriere dello Sport was shocked that such comments would be made in Italy. Apparently he is unfamiliar with his buffoon of a prime minister, Silvio Berlusconi, who he and his fellow countrymen keep putting back in power.

Keep it up , Jose.

Lalas Doesn’t Have The Skills To Pay The Bills

Everyone’s catching fire in this version of the Roundup. It does feel a bit wrong to tee off on the guy that bought me beers at the Cathedral but we can’t let sauce interfere with our integrity. It’s all we have. Seriously, it is and we don’t have very much. Buy our shit. It’s hot.

Los Angeles Galaxy GM Alexi Lalas’s days could be numbered if reports are correct. The Los Angeles Daily News details the continuing woes of the Galaxy and the increased pressure on Lalas. It seems as though he will end up being the fall guy for the team’s capitulations.

The team atmosphere is “poisonous”. Lalas and manager Ruud Guillit don’t get along. Guillt and Landycakes don’t get along. Beckham’s crew increasingly has more say in what happens in Carson. Nick Green asserts that it was Beckham’s people that hired Guillit, not Lalas. AEG exec Tim Lieweke told all parties involved to get their shit together or risk getting the chop.

To his credit, Lalas knows the writing is on the wall. One thing working in his favor is that Guillit blows up every situation he has stumbled into from Chelsea to Newcastle to the Dutch National Team. No reason why LA should be any different. Lalas has been a management failure everywhere he has worked. They should be failure buddies.

Lalas seems to be more mouth and publicity hound than a GM who knows how to create a successful product on the pitch. It would be unfair to rip him without giving him some credit. When he was GM of the Metrostars (now Red Bulls), he and other team execs came to speak to fans in order to find out what we thought was necessary to make the team better. It’s rare that the management of any professional team would take time out to hole up in a bar to find out what the fans think. Maybe he should stay away from personnel decisions and focus on team outreach and fan development.

Napoli Fan Prefers Cash Over Inter’s Empire Of Dirt

This is a new one. A Napoli fan successfully sued Inter Milan for existential damages after being subjected to “offensive banners and chants” during a match at the San Siro last season.

Inter have been ordered to pay €1,500 to the fan, who has chosen to remain anonymous, after their supporters showed banners at the San Siro calling Naples the “sewer of Italy”. Other banners read: “Ciao cholera sufferers” and “Neapolitans have got tuberculosis” in reference to a crisis in which the streets of the southern Italian city became deluged with rotting refuse for several months following a dispute involving Camorra-run waste disposal service companies, landfill sites and the government.

Never mind the fact that there are actually huge piles of garbage all over Naples. The fan maintained that he was “indignant and deeply hurt”. I fail to see how the condition of his existence was affected by these banners and chants. Any dread or alienation he feels probably comes from the shit show going on in Naples right now. Transcend, bitch.

Some village found their idiot over the weekend. Danish soccer fan “R” apologized for attacking a referee during closing minutes of the Euro 2008 qualifier between Denmark and Sweden on Saturday. He was angry at the ref for giving Denmark’s Christian Poulson a red card for punching a Swedish player in the stomach. Check the hilarity.

Denmark came back from 3-0 to tie the game. After the attack, the ref called the game and awarded Sweden a 3-0 win.

Sweden should make R an honorary citizen as he’s pretty much killed Demark’s chance of making the Euro finals next year. Steve Bartman feels your pain. Congratulations, you’re now the most hated person in Denmark.

R might also consider getting a shirt that fits or rock a Denmark singlet.

Claudio’s All Growns Up Now


Juventus named tinkerman extraordinaire Claudio Ranieri as their new manager today. He takes over from Didier Dechamps who stepped down before he was fired in late May.

It had been rumored that Ranieri would take the Manchester City job once a rumored takeover went through but he apparently the chance to take over a corrupt team that can’t fill its ground was too good to turn down.

“I wasn’t expecting it, but you can’t say no to Juve,” the Italian said. “Juventus is a huge opportunity for me.”

He went on to say,

“There’s an ambitious plan,” Ranieri said. “The fans should stay calm, we’ll make them feel proud of what Juve accomplishes in Italy … and then in Europe.”

What he was really saying was that Juve intends to increase their payments to ensure their stay in Serie A and their Champions League spot.

Moving to a big club means that Claudio won’t have time to pursue his budding movie career.

Geoffrey From The Fresh Prince Wants To Return To Bel Air


Television spin-offs are great. Who can forget great ones like Three’s A Crowd, She-Ra, Flo and Enos?

Chelsea midfielder Claude Makelele is thinking about following David Beckham to the US if he can’t sort out his contract situation. He has one year left on his contract and the emergence of younger players like Lassana Diarra and John Mikel Obi will limit his first team opportunities.

I can see it now. Geoffrey on his own in the big city without Master William and the rest of the Banks. Playing soccer with his pathetic, rec league MLS team, solving mysteries with fast talking, hard living sidekick Clint Mathis. I’m sure it’ll last as long as the Cosby Mysteries or The Love Boat: The Next Wave.

Tell Us Something We Don’t Know

Liverpool steals from children. No shit.

“William Gaillard, Uefa’s director of communications, branded Liverpool supporters as the worst behaved in Europe after revealing that a detailed dossier compiled by undercover police officers blamed the English for the chaos at the Champions League final in Athens.”

“The incidents involving Liverpool fans have been well known to us before the trouble at the Champions League final. This was just the latest example. What other set of fans steal tickets from their fellow supporters or out of the hands of children? We know who caused most of the trouble in Athens,” he said. “There have been 25 incidents involving Liverpool fans away from home since 2003 and those are in the report – most teams’ supporters do not cause any trouble at all.”

Liverpool shirts were quick to paint Galliard and UEFA as biased. A team spokesman blamed UEFA for the distubances.

“The shortcomings in the management of the situation in Athens were apparent to anyone who was there and this latest statement from Uefa should not deflect attention from that reality.”

After all UEFA were the ones that transported all the fans without tickets, ripped tickets from supporter hands and tried to gain entry with fake tickets and photocopied press passes. Fans without tickets were warned not to travel to Athens but thousands showed up anyway and prevented fans with real tickets from gaining entry. Perhaps UEFA should have opened the doors and let all the fans in.