The Houston Rockets got together last year to try to wish everyone a merry Christmas with their own rendition of the song “12 days of Christmas”…hilarity ensued. My only wish is that Dikembe just should have been used more.
The needles were trashed by the attendants with care,
In knowing that St. Mitchell soon would be there;
The players were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of suspensions danced in their heads;
And Selig in his cheap suit and Fehr in his pleats,
Had just settled down from a long winter’s meets,
When out on the field there arose such a clatter,
Selig sprang from his office to see what was the matter.
Away to the window he flew like a flash,
Tore open the mini-blinds and threw up in the trash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to his wondering eyes should meet,
But a bald headed man, and eight tiny athletes,
With a little old body, but so lively and fickle,
He knew in a moment it must be St. Mitchell.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
“Now, Bonds! now, Gullien! now, Sosa and Clemens!
On, Tejada! on Giambi! on, Ankiel and Leyritz!
To the top of the ballpark! to Capitol Hill on the Mall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”
As dry heaves follow Selig’s regurgitated pie,
When they meet with the press, and pray to the sky,
So up to the press-room the coursers they flew,
With a town car full of needles, indictments, Mitchell too.
And then, in a twinkling, Selig heard on the tube
The hemming and hawing of each ball playing dude.
As he drew in his hand, and was turning around,
Down the hall St. Mitchell came with a bound.
He was dressed all in black, in his hand was a book,
And the book told the tales of many a crook;
A bundle of pages he said told the truth,
Of a number of players whom he was sent to sleuth.
His eyes — black like a hole! his glasses how boring!
His jowls like chicken theighs, his nose caused him snoring!
His sour little mouth was drawn down like a loon,
And the skin of his chin was as wrinkled as a prune;
The specter of a steroids he held tight in his grip,
And the terror it gave caused a many tear drip ;
He had a tiny face and a little bic pen,
That pointed when he spoke again and again.
He was lean and thin, a right miserable old elf,
And Selig cowered when he saw him, in spite of himself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave Selig to know he had everything to dread;
He spoke many a word, and told of his works,
And filled all the public, with stories of jerks;
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, out the press room he rose;
He sprang to his Lincoln Town Car, to the players gave a bow,
And to their agents they all ran with many a furrowed brow.
But Selig heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,
“Happy Mitchell Report to all, and to all a good-night.”
Inspiration for this story was this post by the 800lb Gorilla. Their title made me do this.
UPDATE: The gals at Babes Love Baseball have their own take they put up after the report came out. Its quite good, I’d recommend reading it.
For the devoted NFL fan, the holidays present a difficult time where you are supposed to take down all the beautiful fatheads, posters of the players you idolize, the starting lineup action figures, the jerseys, etc…and put up holiday decorations dedicated to some fat guy in a red suit who is the coach of a team of elves. Its difficult. Well, we at the Deuce have you covered. We’re going to show you how to decorate your house for Christmas…NFL style.
No one ever said the NFL did not do everything in its power to make a buck…and we’re here to show you that Christmas isn’t really about baby Jesus or crass commercialism, its just another way to show your NFL fandom.
First off, you need a stocking on the fireplace, hung with care of course. Luckily, the NFL has branded some for you!
Look at that, they have even stuck that fat red guy on the stocking, like he is a part of your favorite team. That’s just fantastic. If you want a more traditional look for your stocking, you can get it in team colors with no fat red guy on top, like this:
Ok, now that we have stockings covered, we must move to the tree. You’ve got this big dead tree sitting in your residence that is covered by lights and nick knacks that mean nothing to you whatsoever. The only thing that means anything to you is your NFL team, right? Well you are in luck…the NFL has branded some for you!
Wow, nothing says Christmas more than having an NFL team helmet, logo, fat guy in an NFL branded outfit, or nutcrackers with NFL branded hats adorning a tree. But this tree would be dark if it did not have lights on it. Wouldn’t you know it? The NFL has branded some for you!
Oh, and if you have a tree in your house, well you must put a skirt around it to collect those falling needles. Guess what, the NFL has branded some for you!
Excellent! Isn’t that attractive? So you’ve got the tree covered. What are you supposed to wear to get into that holiday spirit? Surely the NFL has something for us here? Well if you want your own hat just like the fat guy, the NFL has branded some for you!
But what about the rest of the house? Mama says, nothing says holidays like cracking some nuts…and no one knows more about cracking nuts than the NFL. So it only makes sense that for the holiday season there would be a nutcracker with some NFL logos on them…and we’re in luck. THE NFL HAS BRANDED SOME FOR YOU!
That is the single most intense looking nutcracker ever. He must be feeling the NFL Christmas spirit more than anyone. Lets say you want something a little more modern though. Well, you are totally in luck. Say you want a snowman, but you cannot have just a normal snowman, you need an NFL snow man. BINGO! The NFL has branded some for you!
Now that the inside of your house is covered in wonderful NFL branded Christmas trinkets, you have to add a finishing touch on the door in the form of a wreath. LUCKILY…the NFL has branded some for you!
Don’t those look delightful. Everyone will feel the love with those wreaths. Nothing like a screaming bear or a sour face pirate to welcome in the holidays. However, if a wreath isn’t enough for the outside of your house, you might want to think about some sort of lawn ornament. If only the NFL had something for us…oh wait…the NFL has branded some for us!
Don’t those just say Merry Christmas? Whew…its good to know that the NFL has Christmas decorating covered.