Sensitive thugs, y’all need hugs.

Professional athletes should be commended for not running to rehab like politicians or actors when they get caught acting a fool. The offender’s team or agent writes an apology that the player couldn’t have written and everyone moves on besides the victim(s). Just ask Leonard Little and Chris Henry who made a “complete 360″. Someone should have explained this to French rugby player Mathieu Bastareaud before he checked himself into Le Looney Bin.

Bastareaud claimed that he was jumped and punched by five men while returning to his hotel after France played New Zealand in a test match last week. Not quite. You see what had really happened was he hit his head on a table after drinking too much. Want to try that again? It turns out he was acting a fool and one of his teammates settled him down by laying him out.

“Drunk and aggressive, Bastareaud was reportedly calmed down by a fist from one of his teammates,” the daily Le Parisien reported.

Bastareaud admittted lying about the incident. He thought he could cover up the truth but that didn’t work out so well. Instead of ending the situation with an apology and cover up from French rugby officials, he decided to check himself into a mental hospital for two weeks after suffering “serious psychological problems”. Stade Francais president Max Guazzini said the media pressure became too much for the player to take.

Maybe we’re being too hard on the kid. He is the cousin of Arsenal and France defender William Gallas who everyone agrees is batshit crazy. It’s not his fault. It’s in the blood.

Usually Chimp handles the Constitutional and keeps it blog heavy. However I didn’t get a chance to hit everything I wanted this morning so here are some links. I promise Chimp will be back with a legit, blog-lovin’ Constitutional next week.

Barcelona/Argentina winger Lionel Messi is dating Argentina’s 2006 World Cup mascot and she could very well be a he. (Probably NSFW – The essentials are covered up but not by much)

Mmmm statutory crepe. Different area code rule goes for statutory rape and possession of kiddie porn? If you’re a diplomat, it do.

Jason Whitlock throws Sunday Night Football under the bus. Does that qualify as bus-on-bus crime? He’s right however I’m not so sure about the “interest” reason. We might dig a little deeper into this over the weekend or more likely on Monday.

Spare some change for Chris Henry?

Hopefully there are double knockouts in every fight.

Old and busted: Cincinnati Bengals
New hotness: Miami Dolphins

Not many among us are prescient beings. Most of you go through life stumbling from one unfortunate incident to the next hoping that it’s not as bad as the one before it. There are the few who have the ability to see the future. Like Nostradamus and Warren Buffet, Chris Henry is one of the few.

The Miami Dolphins have already had four players in trouble with the law this off-season. Will Allen was just the latest. The former Bengal knows trouble when he sees it and he’s not going to miss his opportunity to be part of Cincinnati South under Bill Parcells.

Talented former Bengals receiver Chris Henry, on house arrest, said by phone he ”would love to play for” the Dolphins, Saints or Cowboys. But it’s hard to fathom Bill Parcells pursuing someone who has had multiple legal problems and faces a potential NFL suspension after a March arrest for misdemeanor assault and criminal damage. ”That situation isn’t what it seems,” Henry said. “I regret a lot that has happened.”

Me thinks the man that tolerated a raging coke fiend like LT should have no problem with Henry. He’s embraced Ricky Williams and ostracized Jason Taylor. We see where his priorities are and so does Chris Henry.

Great news for Cincinnati police blotter watchers! Odell Thurman’s back in the league. You can’t let a solid criminal like Chris Henry leave without replacing him. That’s just good personnel work by Marvin Lewis and Bengals management. It’s almost the Thunderdome way. One man enter, one man leave. They’re visionary like Bill Walsh. Their core of criminals policy is as innovative as the West Coast offense.

The Seattle Seahawks know a great system when they see it. They have yet to master the criminal revolving door but they’re getting there. It’s an added bonus when you can replace a departing player from within the organization. Exit Jerramy Stevens. Enter Rocky Bernard.

Bernard was arrested for assaulting his ex who is also the mother of his child in a nightclub parking lot on Monday morning.

The former girlfriend and a friend said they saw Bernard, who turned 29 on Saturday, in an “altercation” with another woman at Ibiza, a club at 528 Second Ave. Bernard then walked toward the former girlfriend and punched her in the forehead with a closed fist, causing her head to strike a glass divider, according to a police report.

The victim, 22, and friend told police they ran to a car to get away. Bernard allegedly followed them as they shut the car doors and pounded the windows as they drove away, according to a police report.

In a strange way, his ex must feel a bit of pride knowing that Bernard would drop an altercation with another woman just to start one with her. It’s clear he’s not over her yet.

The Bengals must be wondering how Bernard slipped under their radar. Maybe they tried to sign him but the attraction of foam parties in Ibiza was too strong to resist.

Nice try, playboy. You know you’re in deep shit when you have to resort to copying Pacman Jones. Chris Henry is trying to get back in the league. It seems he’s making a play for the Cowboys or Beng … oh yeah, never mind.

The Fort Worth Star-Telegram is reporting that Henry contacted Michael Irvin in an attempt to get on his radio show. Presumably, he wants to give a three hour apology for any past and future crimes.

Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said it was unlikely that they would acquire Henry. That sounds as solid as Brett Favre’s retirement.