When in China, do as the Chinese government do. David Hasselhoff just shed a tear.

Chinese officials said today that they have uncovered and foiled a terrorist plot to kidnap athletes, foreign journalists and tourists at the Olympic games in Beijing. 35 people from a “vast terrorist gang” have been arrested in the past few weeks and officials are keeping on top of things to prevent anymore syndicates from popping up and succeeding.

Damn. Not that I really wish anyone to die or be harmed or anything but I know i’d be glued to my television and computer if i knew some sort of terrorist attack was going on. Leading up to the games right now, no one cares much about the athletes or events anyway. Everyone is just reporting on all the screw ups that China has had getting ready for the games. I read more stories like about how the air sucks and the toilets suck and the swimsuits suck than actual hype for the athletes that are in the games. Isn’t that what the Olympics is supposed to be about, the athletes?

What I’m trying to say is, none of it is really all that interesting anymore. No one can write up an interesting enough story about any of the athletes that are participating in these events so everyone is just focusing on these softballs. I’m burned out on it and the games haven’t even started yet. I don’t care anymore about these jacked up games. Watching them now would only be for ironic reasons only. From now until the end of the summer, I don’t want to hear anything more about the Olympics unless someone is kidnapped or something is bombed. Otherwise, it’s just not at all interesting anymore.

From CNN

The Chinese have already won the gold medal as far as we’re concerned. In what you ask? Oppression of course! No one beats Steven Seagal in the kitchen and no one beats the Chinese in beating down opposition.

The Chinese government has ordered a crackdown on ticket scalpers known as yellow bulls before the Olympics by threatening up to four years of “re-education through labor”. Take that, gulag.

“(Offenders involved in) the counterfeit, alteration, and illegal selling of tickets for major events can be detained according to (relevant) laws,” the [Beijing News] quoted the unnamed spokesman as saying.

“Those deemed to have seriously disturbed public order can be detained for re-education through labor,” the spokesman said.

The Chinese are willing to go to any end to ensure a perfect Olympic Games even if it means putting thousands in jail. Add the touts to the list of Tibetans, homeless and Three Gorges Dam blockers. Soon the group of people being crushed by the government will be picked as randomly as Stalin’s purges.

Add this to the decree that there will be no live broadcasts or telecasts from Tienanmen Square, constant surveillance during the Games and the fact that the US and other governments are going out of their way to say the Chinese actions are not related to the game and we have the makings of the best Olympics ever!

Then again, we could be making a big deal out of nothing. I’ve seen Hogan’s Heroes a bunch of times and that didn’t look so bad. I’m sure Chinese labor camps are just as cool as the Nazi POW camps. That Colonel Klink sure had a heart of gold.

Not only will they sign 5 year old soccer players but now they have a 13 year old boy who will represent them in the 2008 Olympic Games. Tom Daley is going to be competing in the 10m Dive event for England, becoming the youngest kid ever to participate in the games for the country.

There has got to be some sorta built in advantage to being that young and doing a dive competition. I mean, he’s like way lighter than all the other competitors, he’ll be floating up there for ever doing his spins and tucks in mid air. His splash will have to be next to nothing going into the water since the kid looks like he weighs around 50lbs.

The Brits have the right idea, we Americans need to train a new legion of 8 year olds to compete in the Olympics against this kid. Its the only way we’ll stay a national power.

From BBC Sport

China believes it takes a highly trained individual to be an Olympic medal presenter for the Beijing Olympics. They take it so seriously that they have developed a program for young girls to train for this arduous task.

At these schools, young girls must wear high heeled shoes for hours at a time, smile pretty much all day and balance books on their heads to improve posture along with studying etiquette and English. Sounds tough huh? Well the competition is tougher, there are only 380 spots available for this coveted position and they only accept girls who are at least 5’4″ and “not too heavy” so they could “fit into the uniforms provided”.

“This is a huge opportunity for them. The Olympics will put them in front of the world’s audience and lead to a life-time of fortune,”

The perfect smile consists of showing only the top 8 teeth and looks nothing like this…

USA! USA!! USA!!!

From Yahoo Sports