Aww look at that little guy swing from a helicopter and slide down the side of a building! Hey that little girl singing at the Olympics is so cute! Slow your roll and have a seat. Remember where you were when you found out Santa Claus wasn’t real or Stefan Urquel and Steve Urkel were the same person? This is worse.

Little did we know that Jackie Chan and Lin Miaoke are nothing but puppets of an evil regime hellbent on killing every tasty animal in the world. Miaoke, best known for lip-syncing for another girl who was deemed to ugly to show in public, went on Chinese social media site Weibao to espouse the benefits of state censorship.

We make our home here [at Weibo] and should be protected by Sina. The type of speech that is harmful to people’s physical and mental health should be eradicated. Such speech should not be allowed to exist on the Internet and pollute the air on the Internet. Sina, you can do it.

People were somewhat surprised to hear Miaoke tow the official party line. However endorsement of state censorship is old hat to Chan. It was only last December that Chan said, “There should be regulations on what can and cannot be protested.”

All hell broke loose in 2009 when the action star went even further and stated that Chinese people needed to be controlled.

“I’m not sure if it’s good to have freedom or not,” the 55-year-old action superstar told delegates when pressed by fellow panel members to give his views on China’s rigorous controls on the media and restrictions on film-makers.

“I’m really confused now. If you’re too free, you’re like the way Hong Kong is now. It’s very chaotic. Taiwan is also chaotic.

“I’m gradually beginning to feel that we Chinese need to be controlled,” he continued. “If we’re not being controlled, we’ll just do what we want.”

The Communist Party approved Chan’s comments while legislators and fans in his native Hong Kong lost their minds. Oh he also isn’t a big fan of the United States either.

Shanghaiist wonders why anyone should care about what a 13 year old says about anything. We probably shouldn’t. At the end of the day, Miaoke is a prop used by the Chinese government to disseminate propaganda. It’s more palatable to hear official views coming from movie stars and “singers” than directly from the source. However it comes at the cost of decreased credibility with fans and apparently declining talent when it comes to making movies if the last couple of Jackie Chan stinkers are anything to go by. Who knows how much, if any, credibility Miaoke has with the public. It’s well known that she didn’t sing live at the Olympics. Needless to say, we have not and will not be following her career or lack of one. We have plenty of child celebrities who are way more interesting here (read: batshit crazy, high and drunk).

Pictures from Marcus Williams’ trip to Beijing. Redman smoking off camera to the left.

Beijing’s current air pollution crisis has been blamed on various causes such as China’s exponential economic and inudstrial growth. Lack of environmental regulation at the national and provincial levels has been cited as well. Beijing officials claim the emergency will lift on Tuesday when winds blow the smog away from the city. Rumor has it Tuesday is also when Marcus Williams is scheduled to fly out of Beijing for the US. Smog. Marijuana smoke. Same thing.

Williams of Shanxi Zhonghu was suspended by the Chinese Basketball Association for six months after testing positive for marijuana. He was the first player to be banned for drug use by the CBA. The former Wildcat’s excuse went one better than claiming it helped with his cataracts.

“Williams has been bothered by stomach problem for a long time so he brought some marijuana to China as a painkiller,” said [Williams' agent Zhiyu] Shen.

“He suffered from a stomachache before the match and the medicine from the team doctor did not work,” he said.

“So he had some marijuana and did not tell anyone,” Shen added. Williams was drawn to take the test in the Dec. 9 match when Shanxi clinched a 103-99 away win at Jilin.

So Williams eats something wrong and figures weed is the cure for his stomachache? That’s straight Blatche.

Williams has been reduced to begging for his job back and claiming how much he loves the team and fans. He sounds worse that a soccer player claiming love for his new team even though he couldn’t place its location on a map if his life depended on it. Going back to Seattle should clear that weed smoking problem right up.

Chinese kid executes a perfect Transformers fail. Optimus Prime says “Sdgertwg”.

You know how Goldenballs “keep[s] being strong and running on the football field”? It’s the same secret weapon he uses to satisfy Victoria and whatever nanny happens to be around at the time.

We’re too lazy to put it better than the Shanghaiist. The Glove didn’t fit. Gary Payton almost went to China. Everyone wants to follow in the footsteps of God Shammgod.