Since Pope Benedict XVI has decided to come up with seven new sins out of freakin thin air, I think its only fair that someone should come up with a set of Seven Deadly Sins specifically geared towards the world of sport. Here goes nothin’ and may God have mercy on my soul:

1) Thou shall not get caught using performance enhancing drugs.
– See, its ok to use them, its ok to give them to your teammates, its ok to shoot them in other’s rear ends, its even ok that you sell them and supplement your already hefty income that was unjustly given to you because you aren’t naturally that good…just do not get caught doing any of it. Its the ultimate don’t ask, don’t tell, don’t get caught. Don’t get caught, and you’re a hero like Albert Pujols, not sayin’ just sayin. Get caught and you’re vilified…unless you’re Shawne Merriman.

2) Thou shall not get caught cheating
- Ok, so everyone cheats in sport. To paraphrase the famous quote is if you aren’t cheating you aren’t trying to win. If you get caught cheating however, you are found breaking the sin and of course the torches start getting lit and you begin a slow march towards execution.

3) Thou shall not create a rap/rock/blues/jazz/etc. album
- You are an athlete. You are not a musician. No one cares that you think you have talent besides playing a game. You don’t. Stop trying or you shall be mocked and ridiculed for all of eternity.

4) Thou shall use prophylactics when engaging in sexual behavior.
- For this, its ok to be a womanizer, it’s your birthright as the ultimate alpha-male, just do it right and don’t spread your seed. For every Shawn Kemp, Travis Henry (not his actual kids in the picture…least he doesn’t think they are) or Elijah Dukes that is spat on there’s a Wilt Chamberlain who does it right and is praised for it. Don’t be a dork, cover your pork.

5) Thou shall not get caught harming animals for fun.
- No one knows this rule better than Michael Vick, Tripp Isenhour, Pedro Martinez or Qyntel Woods. Pedro gets a bit of a pass because he did it in a country where its legal, but pretty much any athlete who does anything cruel to an animal meets a pretty unfortunate sports demise. The Lord looks down on those who harm the lesser species. We’ll see what happens with Pedro this season.

6) Thou shall not get caught gambling.
- Tim Donaghy, Pete Rose, Wayne Gretzky’s wife, Michael Jordan’s mysterious retirement for baseball all have some ties to gambling and all have never be the same. The easy solution is to wait til you’re out of sport like Charles Barkley here to publicly gamble away all your money. People find that kind of gambling far more light hearted, but if you do it while you’re active in sport you shall have a pall cast upon you…and you might get forced to run a team in Charlotte named after a guy called Bob for all of eternity.

7) Thou shall not beat on your lady, get caught, arrested, and have a mugshot taken like this
- Sports, by their nature, are very aggressive. It takes an aggressive person to participate at the highest of levels of sport. The problem some have is leaving that aggression on the field or court of play. Those who choose not to will forever be branded WIFE-BEATER and those scarlet 2 words will follow you until your death…Jason Kidd.

David Jacobs, a north Texas man, was arrested yesterday for conspiracy to possess anabolic steroids with the intent to distribute. The police seized tens of thousands of steroids from his east Plano home upon his arrest along with firearms. The juicy part of this is this guy is a personal trainer who claims to have “offered guidance” to Dallas Cowboys players and is going to plead out and cooperate with officials telling them everything and everyone he knows.

“I am comfortable in saying, ‘Yes. I’m pleading guilty to the manufacturing and distribution of anabolic steroids,’ and I’ve agreed to take that plea agreement,” said Jacobs.

How ’bout that huh? Maybe Belichick and the Colts aren’t the only cheaters out there in the NFL? Perhaps Romo and his ‘boys have had a little chemical assistance to help them to their NFC best 8-1 record? Everyone knows you don’t get a smile like this without some sorta drug. The Cowboys have denied this man’s involvement in the organization, but as we know from other steroid scandals, players often have their own trainers to hook them up with the good stuff.

The Deuce will be watching for more info about this…if anyone has any tips, let us know.

From CBS11TV

What the Patriots did to the Washington Redskins last night was the worst loss I have ever seen in all my years of Redskins fandom. Think thats a stretch? The last time they lost near that bad was in 1961 when the Giants beat them 53-0.

It got so bad for me, the Redskins fan, that Cowboys fans at the sports bar I was at were actually cheering on the team that throttled them 48-27 just two weeks ago. That is some crazy shit right there and only confirms my belief that Cowboys fans are the single worst fans in sports. Yes, worse than Eagles fans…although it ain’t by much.

Did the Patriots run up the score? Lets see, final score was 52-7…you damn right they ran up the score. New England went for it on 4th down, twice, while up over 30 points to the Redskins and they never stopped passing the ball. Think the Patriots care? Nope. “…we don’t care,” Patriots’ receiver Donte Stallworth said after the game.

Now I am not going to whine about how big bad Bill Belichick shouldn’t have done this or that nor will I complain about these random, ongoing, headset problems that seem to happen at Gillette…I am just going to say this:

Do not anger the Football Gods, New England Patriots. The Gods of the Football do not like taunting. Egos large and small have been crushed by the Football Gods. What Belichick, Brady, Moss and the entire organization are in danger of is thinking that they are bigger than the game. A beatdown of that magnitude signifies it. They don’t care, they say. Its all about the Patriots right now and karma is a bitch whore.

So, on this day, congratulations Patriots and Patriot fans, you are still undefeated. You seem to have the single most complete team since the salary cap was instituted. Nothing seems like it can stop you…until the Football Gods inevitably intervene.

Lets just hope the injury bug that has seemed to miss this team does not strike anytime soon…and isn’t brought upon by a “Bounty Bowl” III in the future.

The Deuce is quite fond of the Halloween season, it is such a great time for women of the world to dress up in the sluttiest clothes possible and actually get praise instead of scorn for baring tons of cleavage and leg. Women you wouldn’t even think of as bimbos get all hoochied up and it is a wonderful thing. Sadly, this article has nothing to do with them. This is for us sports watching guys.

We, unlike the fine ladies of the world, don’t have the option of wearing some borderline red lingerie outfit with devil horns and saying “I’m the devil” or some pseudo sports related “sexy referee” outfit…we must get more creative. So, we’ve culled together a few sports related costumes that you might want to see if you can use for your Halloween.

We love to help.

1) Travis Henry:
Simple costume to do, all you need is a Travis Henry Broncos jersey, 9 plastic baby dolls, and 1 gigantic rolled up joint in your mouth. The 9 baby dolls should be in a stroller, on your shoulder, head, cradled in your arm, attached to your tit, on your legs…all over because, where the hell you gonna keep 9 kids??

2) Roy Williams

3) Derek Jeter
For the guy who doesn’t want to get laid that night, wear a Jeter jersey and add a huge ass cold sore on your face with some make up. Prepare for no female to talk to your Herpes ridden ass.

4) George Steinbrenner
Get yourself a white turtleneck, sport coat, and a white wig…walk around saying “Great to see ya, Tommy,” to everyone in the room.

5) Bill Belichick
Wear a hoodie and a headset, look real sour all the time and have a friend videotape everything that is going on across the bar/party for you.

6) Greg Oden
Get a tree costume…wear Oden’s jersey. DONE!

7) Bill Simmons
If all the above is too hard to do, just be Bill Simmons. To do this follow these steps: a) be white, very white; b) dress incredibly average in every way; c) be the most pompous and smug guy in the room; d) talk relentlessly about the Karate Kid, 90210, Boston sports teams and your friends no one cares about; e) try to give your book away, watch no one take it.

Any more suggestions?

Rose Rosetree proclaims to be able to read people’s aura just by looking at a picture of them. Recently, she took a look at maligned New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick during his “apology” he made for video-taping the Jets sidelines. Here’s what she has to say:

Verbal integrity (at the throat chakra): Speaking, Belicheck scores 10 out of 10 for integrity. He’s clearly a warmhearted guy, larger than life, very enthusiastic and an expressive individual who can’t help letting his passions show.

Power integrity (at the solar plexus chakra): Well, here’s where the coach scores a 7 out of 10. What really stands out is the man’s craftiness. In contrast to his personality, where he seems hale and hearty, intellectually how the man can scheme! His thinking is highly analytical. Besides being an absolutely cunning problem solver, there’s a ruthlessness that must serve him well in his sport. Normally, he would be very careful not to cross the line into anything outright wrong, but watch him put his toe right up to that line.

Spiritual integrity (at the third eye chakra): No, this isn’t just about church attendance. Spiritual integrity is a really important component to read in a person. George W. Bush, for instance, has his very worst integrity score in this department, which is saying something (and I DID, long before he first began to occupy the White House). How does Belicheck connect to his personal source of inspiration? Give him another 10 out of 10. Think all the best qualities of big, bouncy puppy. The man doesn’t have a hypocritical bone in his body. No wonder he had the grace to mouth more than the current cliché “I accept responsibility” and use the big A word, “apologize.”

She claims to not know anything about football, nor who Belichick really is other than the Patriots head coach who made a statement that she read and is a bit of controversy, so take that for what its worth. I do like that she calls him a big bouncy puppy. I mean, that really is the first thing I think of when I see him on the sidelines looking like someone just took a dump on his hot new wife.

The telling part is that in the “Power Integrity” section she says he is an “absolutely cunning problem solver, there’s a ruthlessness that must serve him well” and “he would be very careful not to cross the line into anything outright wrong, but watch him put his toe right up to that line”. Maybe this aura thing is worth looking into.

If you’re interested in more, check out her site, she does OJ Simpson as well.

From Rose Rosetree
Image not of Rose