Wunderbar! While the rest of his Chelsea teammates including John Terry (suffering from a broken cheekbone and toe) head off to Valencia for their first Champions League match under Avram “Yes, Mr. Roman” Grant, Michael Ballack headed off to Munich to get his Oktoberfest on.

Don’t get the gout in your bad foot, Herr Ballack.

Now I know how Arnold felt on Diff’rent Strokes when he wanted to have his own bar mitzvah. I can’t find that episode so here’s a link to the Mr. Horton episode. Get that out of your head the rest of the day.

Do surfing and Judaism go together like ham and cheese on a sandwich? Is a Kabbalistic soul quest is like a Vision Quest? Meet Rabbi Nachum Shifren, the surfing Rabbi. He has the answer to all these questions and more.

Fuck Madonna. We gotta say Rabbi Shifren makes Judaism kick ass. Avram Grant wishes he repped the chosen people like the Rabbi.

We couldn’t leave you without giving you the Fonz.

Thanks to Dr. Fred in Venice for the tip.

It’s not so bad. It’s like the good old days where Chelsea hovered around in the top half of the table. Always teasing you but eventually breaking your heart. At least we’ll dump all the new plastics and they can return to the red tide fold where they belong.

I’ve refrained from commenting on the disaster that is Chelsea over the past week. I’ve gone through several stages over the loss of Jose Mourinho such as anger, grief and confusion. The loss of the Special One was bad enough but the pain was doubled when rumors came out that captain and supposed Jose apprentice John Terry was the one that landed the kill shot.

In an move straight out of Revenge of the Sith, Anakin Terry allegedly went above Jose’s head to management after he found out that Jose had checked with the medical staff to find out why his form was off. This infuriated Terry and word of the dispute reached Satan otherwise known as Peter Kenyon. This was all the evidence Chancellor Abramovich needed to get rid of Jose.

“You were the chosen one!”
“I hate you!!”

Nooooooo!!! It would seem the alleged heart of Chelsea has joined the dark side. However he denies that he was the “turncoat” and is considering legal action to stop the claims.

Fast forward to Sunday’s match vs. Manchester United and the debut of Slithe otherwise known as Avram Grant. The match resulted in a 2-0 defeat for Chelsea. Although the match was ruined by the ref, Chelsea looked useless and only attempted one shot on goal the entire match. Jose could have done that. The loss cost Roman GBP 8M (amount of Jose’s buyout).

The drama didn’t limit itself to the field. Marco Van Basten and Sven-Goran Eriksson were sitting near Abramovich and his gaggle of yes-men. The arrival of the current Netherlands coach would somewhat ease the pain. Could Sven be making nice with Roman this early? Does Chelsea have better secretaries than Citeh? We can only hope that Grant has a terrible run continuing with Hull on Wednesday. The more he loses, the faster someone new and better comes in to take the helm.

Did we mention that Grant’s wife thinks drinking her own piss will bring all the boys to the yard?

The times are ill.