Twistin’ like a flame in a slow dance, baby
You’re driving me crazy
Come on, little honey
Come on now
Oh that’s a flaming galah! Throw your wombats in the air like you just don’t care if you’re ready to see the Findon Skid Kids perform their amazing “jumping through fire” stunt!
Spectators at the Findon Skid Kids on Reserve Parade ended up having to throw blankets over the kids when their lazily named stunt went wrong and sent them to the hospital with burns.
This is how the “stunt” should look when it’s performed properly:
Woo. I fail to see jumping of any kind. Fire is the appropriate penalty handed down from above by the immortal and omnipotent Evel Knievel. Homer Simpson made a better effort on a skateboard. The injuries aren’t life-threatening so it’s fine for us to make fun of these kids who willingly put themselves in harm’s way for our pleasure with the lamest of stunts.
I’m surprised Corey Booker didn’t bust in on the scene, put the fire out then treat the kids himself. First he badmouths Obama on Meet The Press and now this dereliction of duty. Is this the man you want as senator, New Jersey?
Bart Simpson was right. Everything is backwards in Australia. Teams are forcing players to take injections against their will even to the point of forcing them to get them at “off-site” locations. It’s almost as if teams are renditioning their own players to black sites and pumping them full of “vitamin boost” injections.
The teams, which include two other Melbourne-based Aussie Rules teams besides Essendon, claim the injections contain vitamins B or C are legal. Players and anti-doping authorities suspect that they are actually taking peptide GHRP-6 which is similar to HGH and banned by the Australian Sports Anti-Doping Authority.
Some players insist the injections were nothing but vitamin supplements which helped them sleep at night and recover from injury. However other players were suspicious of the forced treatments. Some including current Essendon players met with the AFL Players Association after being forced to sign consent forms and confidentiality agreements.
That’s bad enough however the scandal goes from Aussie Rules through rugby league to organized crime syndicates. The Australian Crime Commission just concluded a year-long investigation and found the following:
Despite being prohibited substances in professional sport, peptides and hormones are being used by professional athletes in Australia, facilitated by sports scientists, highperformance coaches and sports staff. Widespread use of these substances has been identified, or is suspected by the ACC, in a number of professional sporting codes in Australia. In addition, the level of use of illicit drugs within some sporting codes is considered to be significantly higher than is recorded in official statistics.
The ACC has also identified that organised crime identities and groups are involved in the domestic distribution of PIEDs, which includes peptides and hormones. If left unchecked, it is likely that organised criminals will increase their presence in the distribution of peptides and hormones in Australia.
The ACC has identified significant integrity concerns within professional sports in Australia related to the use of prohibited substances by athletes and increasing associations of concern between professional athletes and criminal identities.
The entire report can be read here in PDF form. An HTML version should be available by February 15 as noted on the ACC website.
Several other substances besides GHRP-6 were named in the report as being discovered in the investigation however one name is a constant with every team caught up in the doping scandal.
Steven Dank is referred to as a “sport science guru” or scientist who advised Essendon as well as several rugby league teams. He has no medical degree however managed to work with several teams across different sports. He is also tied to a convicted drug dealer and biochemist Shane Charter who also goes by the name of Dr. Ageless. Charter, who personally worked with several AFL stars, supplied Dank with supplements illegally imported from China.
Essendon denies Charter had any involvement with the club but other sources informed The Age that his role and association with Dank was known.
A federal policeman told AFL chief executives that peptides and human growth hormone or its equivalents were ”flooding” into Australia and were often associated with gymnasiums with questionable connections.
The ACC report notes the infiltration of organized crime into unregulated markets as well as “legitimate businesses, contractors and consultants”. Drugs obtained through these connections which in turn might have led to the possibility of “match-fixing and manipulation of betting markets“.
Home Affairs and Justice Minister Jason Clare made a statement on the ACC report this morning.
There’s no telling what the fallout will be from this scandal which almost makes Victor Conte and BALCO look like AAA ball. The number of players and teams caught up in this could rock Australian sports to its core. There’s the possibility that teams wouldn’t be able to field full squads due to the amount of players who may be penalized for doping. The organized crime element takes the investigation to a new level especially if it moves towards match-fixing. Stay tuned.
It was only last month when many of you were crying about the Mayan apocalypse. You should have seen people chilling in Australia. They’ve been in training for the inevitable all their lives. Don’t believe me? Watch the Mad Max documentary series. It’s as if David Attenborough decided to focus on humans for a change.
There are basic survival rules every Australian learns from childhood. Rule #3: Always keep your head on a swivel. You never know when danger will come or where it’ll come from. ACT Brumbies scrumhalf Nic White learned his lesson when he was “king-hit” at a music festival.
ACT Brumbies scrumhalf Nic White needed surgery on a fractured jaw after he was king-hit at the Foreshore music festival on November 24.
The Brumbies have cleared the 22-year-old of any wrongdoing and claimed he was struck once from behind.
Brumbies chief executive Andrew Fagan said the Super Rugby club investigated the incident soon after it happened and that White didn’t press charges with police because he didn’t see who his attacker was.
”Nic was the victim of an unprovoked assault in which he was king-hit when struck once at Foreshore through no fault of his own,” Fagan said.
White wasn’t the only one getting into it at the music festival. The Canberra Raiders’ Blake Ferguson was spotted spitting on concert goers and had to be “escorted” out of the VIP area by security.
Say what you will but news of these incidents is encouraging. Australian rugby has come along way in the past couple years. I’ll take spitting on people and getting knocked out at music festivals over rugby players getting blowjobs from dogs any day.
Mike Tyson pulled a genius move for his last fight. He decided to get wrecked by a tomato can in the nation’s capital. It is your right to lose. At least Roy Jones Jr. traveled to the other end of the earth to get beat down by a nobody. It’s two days from now in Australia already.
“Damn, son! You got knocked the fuck out!” “Man, you’re living in the past. I’m on some other shit right now.”
Jones traveled to Sydney to fight Australian Danny Green for some belt. It’s supposedly called the IBO world cruiserweight title belt. It’s probably made out of Aborigines and gold. I’m having a title fight for my belt in Vanuatu next month. The belt’s composition shouldn’t matter to Jones because he didn’t make it out of the first round. See for yourself. It’ll save you the trouble of watching Versus.
Jones should go back to rapping. He’s no worse than most rappers from the South. He can fight Soulja Boy over who should be called Superman. He should win that fight.
Let’s not be too hard on the former champ. He didn’t make any excuses for his performance. However he has to feel terrible that he lost to a guy who came out to Down Under by Men At Work. That should signal the end of a career especially one as great as Jones’.
The televised circle jerk and LeBron suck-off otherwise known as the ESPYs is an abortion of an awards show (as if there are good awards shows). This isn’t news to anyone who has sat through an entire show or been subjected to non-stop replays on ESPN weeks after the show.
Since the ESPYs are here to stay, ESPN might want to take a page from the Brownlow Medal Show. You want an awards show? They’ll give you an awards show replete with drunken hosts and ass grabbing. Take a gander at Carlton player and Street Talk host Brendan Fevola. In a word? Awesome.
Pressure point!* Steven Seagal! WOOOOOO! Why can’t Brian Urlacher and Ray Lewis get housed and rough up Mike and Mike during the awards? Fevola had a lotta mo.
Fevola did not hold back as he simulated sex for the cameras, puckered up for some unsuspecting WAGs and bystanders, and swore black and blue while interviewing players and guests.
Accompanied by a cameraman and sound assistant, Fevola had several mishaps, including knocking a full bottle of beer out of Western Bulldog Adam Cooney’s hand that went flying into the crowd.
The outrageous footballer lurched and fell on to a barricade as Carlton skipper Chris Judd and girlfriend Rebecca Twigley came tohis aid.
Holding a fist full of notes, Fevola then tried to pay a waiter more than $500 for giving him free alcohol.
“Just keep it,” Twigley said to the confused waiter as she tried to steady Fevola. Even stern and heavily pregnant on-again-off-again wife Alex could not calm down the wobbly Blues player.
“Brendan, I’m telling you, stop drinking,” Alex said.
“But I just did Street Talk,” Fevola slurred.
“Oh yeah, that went really well,” Alex said.
Richmond’s Nathan Brown took over Fevola’s Footy Show duties, as the Blues bad boy continued to party hard.
Fevola was seen on the balcony at the River Room, where the after-party was held, smoking cigarettes in the rain and vomiting.
The crowd at the awards show was not pleased with the self-righteous hosts of the show who refused to show more footage of Fevola’s antics. He should be given some credit. At least he made it to the show.
The Bulldogs’ Jason Akermanis didn’t even make it to the show because he got shitfaced the afternoon of the medal show. He went out with teammates to celebrate the end of the season but was supposed to attend the show that night. His wife was forced to pick him up from the pub in her evening wear but he was in no shape to attend the show.
Akermanis offered a medal-worthy explanation: “I had planned to go (to the Brownlow), and I had a really good plan in place to get there. But it’s fair to say I miscalculated a few things, and as such didn’t execute the plan all that well.”
Brilliant.
Dana Jacobsen had the right idea until the man shut her down. Fevola didn’t fare much better. He was fined AU$10,000 and kicked off the Footy Show. Way to Mutu his ass.
* Here is the incident Fevola was referring to when he was yelling “Pressure Point!” and “Steven Seagal!” at Chris Judd.
