We have several Australian stories in the pipeline so we figure we’ll just give them to you in one post. Don’t expect this again. There’s nothing daily about this.

Chad Reed Is One Hard Muthafucka

Australian supercross star Chad Reed is better or dumber than you. He checked himself out of the hospital with a broken shoulder after suffering an accident during a practice run at an AMA Supercross race in Detroit. Did we mention he was “vomiting more blood than [he] had ever seen in his life” after flying over his handlebars?

Reed checked out and returned to compete in the race.

Because of AMA Supercross regulations, the series leader was unable to take anything stronger than oral painkillers. He pulled off after two laps, unable to go on, and was again forced out of the last-chance qualifier. But to gain entry into the main event, Reed used his provisional entry option, which allows for a rider within the top 10 in points to advance directly to the final.

He was brought down in the first turn of the 20-lap race but remounted his Yamaha in 21st spot and embarked on what commentators described as one of the most memorable rides in supercross history. Pushing his way through the pain of a broken shoulderblade, Reed passed half the field to finish 12th and maintain a strong points lead.

And there you are bitching and moaning about that 7th prairie fire shot. Suck it up.

Speaking Of Cheap Shots

AFL player Barry Hall knows all about them. The Sydney player is in serious trouble with the Australian Football League after a cheap shot on West Coast’s Brent Staker during a game this past weekend.

Hall could It be suspended for at least six weeks. It’s just as well because he broke his wrist on some advertising boards in addition to taking out two West Coast players.

Simon Cowley Update

We recently brought you the sad story of former Australian swimmer Simon Cowley who was slobberknockered by current swimmer Nick D’Arcy.

Cowley is now eating through a straw and had five titanium plates permanently inserted into his face. D’Arcy is facing charges but his place on the Australian Olympic team is still up in the air.

Leave it to the Australians to take a celebration to the next level. Screw pouring beer on heads. Try eating the bottle caps as well.

An amateur Aussie Rules football player was rushed to the hospital after swallowing a bottle cap during celebrations for a grand final win. He chugged a beer and swallowed the cap that was at the bottom.

He was rushed to the hospital where surgeons were able to remove the cap using an endoscope. His blood alcohol level was almost .11.

“This is the first one of these I’ve seen (personally), but we see stupid stuff all the time – it always involves young blokes, beer, girls and sport,” [Royal Adelaide Hospital emergency department registrar Dr. Robert Douglas] said.

You think it would end there but it don’t. As Mickey Rivers would say, “You think it don’t be like it is but it do”.

Dr. Douglas wrote an article in the British Medical Journal which uses this incident to illustrate that champagne and wine are safer than beer when celebrating or making it rain.

Excessive alcohol consumption as a celebratory consequence of high profile sporting victories is well known. Oesophageal obstruction from a bottle cap, however, is rarely seen in emergency departments.^{1 2} In suspected cases, airways obstruction and injury should be rapidly excluded. A comprehensive Medline search failed to elicit an example of oesophageal obstruction secondary to the ingestion of a champagne (or wine) cork. Since the 18th century, champagne has been the beverage of choice for celebrations³ and on current evidence should remain so.

If anything, this incident should be looked at as a challenge to the next Aussie Rules champions. Let’s see you down a bottle cap, mate.

Since we referenced it and you know you want it…

You have to hand it to Australian athletes. They’re second to none when it comes to debauchery. Yeah we know we said English soccer players were up there but it’s amateur night when compared to the Australians.

Quokka Chuck Night

100% Injury Rate brought you the story of the Western Force rugby players who were busted after a night of drunken quokka throwing.

The players involved were fined according to whether or not they hammer threw a quokka. However more details are coming out about the infamous Quokka Chuck night and further sanctions could come down.

Western Force player Richard Brown ran naked with a quokka, pissed in front of four female tourists and tried to use a milk crate to trap the little buggers.

Former vice-captain Scott Fava chucked a quokka and was fined $11,000. He’s also required to undergo alcohol counseling and perform seven days of community service.

“Brown started drinking around 4.30pm. After three or four beers, he is anybody’s,” [Western Force Chairman Geoff] Stooke said. “Fava does not drink much at all, but when he does he catches up. He’ll drink six months’ worth of beer in two hours.”

Other Western Force players entered a dorm of four women and wouldn’t leave until another player came to get them. The same woman who made the claim about the players entering the dorm also accused a player of hitting her friend in the face with a quokka as he was swinging it.

Kangaroos And White Wine Don’t Mix

Not wanting to be outdone by rugby, Aussie Rules players decided to step up their game this past weekend and show they know how to get it done as well.

Police were forced to used capsicum spray on Kangaroo player Shannon Grant after he and two teammates were involved in a fight with police at a concert on Saturday. While Grant was being subdued, teammate Aaron Edwards was passed out on the ground after chugging white wine like it was going out of style.

The teammates had been drinking all day at a winery party for “the A Day on the Green concert, promoted as ‘the Big Day Out for grown-ups’”.

Edwards was “skolling from bottles of white wine before he collapsed among the crowd of more than 10,000 at Scotchmans Hill winery”. Hamish McIntosh was also shitfaced and had trouble getting Edwards up while Grant staggered around being useless.

Police were alerted to the scene and that’s when the trouble kicked off. Grant thought Edwards was going to be arrested.

“Shannon said, ‘No, don’t worry, he’s with us, he’ll be all right’, and then Shannon said the police capsicum-sprayed them and led Aaron away,” Mr McDonald said.

Instead of taking him to the hospital, the police took Edwards behind the winery and let him and his girlfriend go. They came back to the other players, gave them water for their eyes and took off.

Now that’s respect for a professional. I guess that’s how they do down under.

I also think I’ve figured out that the Thunderdome is a metaphor for Australia.

Lesson #1: If you’re going to get in a fight, make sure it’s not with an Australian.
Lesson #2: If you’re going to fight an Australian, don’t fight an Australian sailor.

One American learned these rules the hard way after getting his arse handed to him in a sack by two Australian sailors at a house party.

You’re probably wondering why the freedom haters beat down the American. Actually you probably assume they did it because they’re Australian and you’ve seen the Road Warrior enough times to know how they act. You’re halfway there. They were “arguing about the virtues of American versus Australian football”.

The argument escalated and the American threatened to kill the Australians. Bad move, mate. The Australians beat the shit out of the American and broke his eye socket. They were booked on suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon. That would be their feet.

Australia should be forced to hand over a sacrifice for our sailors to beat like a red-headed stepchild. I suggest John Howard or Savage Garden.

Australia doesn’t play when it comes to drinking, oppressing indigenous people, crazy muthafuckas who mess with deadly animals, sports and fighting. The Alice Springs Grand Final had three of these as a brawl involving Aussie Rules players and spectators broke out. Luckily, some fans had a video camera and plenty to say about it.

Warning: Language NSFW

Some of our favorite quotes:

“This is the shit that happens with these boys. This is the shit.”

“This is disgraceful. I’m never coming back to this shithole. That’s it for me. Game set and match.”

Just like the dingo comes back for the baby, he’ll come back to the shithole. He wants it. He needs it. It’s in the blood.