Shawn Kemp and Travis Henry may win on sheer numbers but when it comes to style, they have nothing on Aston Villa striker Gabriel “Gabby” Agbonlahor. Gabby scored a hat trick in Villa’s first game of the season. That’s good. He also scored a hat trick in the bedroom and knocked up three girls practically at the same time. That’s bad.

See if you can follow the trail of stupidity. It’s long and complicated. Use the picture key below and try not to slip on the amniotic fluid. Gabby was dating baby mama #1 before he hit the big time. She even moved in with him. He met baby mama #2 in 2006 while on holiday in Greece. Four months later, he was getting in the stink box of baby mama #3 who was previously the WAG of useless Spurs midfielder Jermaine Jenas.

Here’s where things get complicated. #1 found texts to Gabby from #3. He told #1 that she was just a groupie and there was nothing to worry about. #3 kept sending texts so #1 called her to find out what was up. #3 turned around and confronted Gabby who told her that #1 was just a psycho ex who was getting all Single White Female on his ass and couldn’t let go. Meanwhile he was still rolling with #2. #1 finally found out about #2 but he claimed she was another groupie.

Stay with us. It’s about to get “stupider”. #3 got pregnant. #1 gave her a call and dropped the bomb that she was also pregnant and Gabby was still messing with #2. He told #1 and #3 that he wasn’t ready for a kid and they could do what they wanted but he wasn’t having it. They both got abortions. He was a gentleman and paid for #3′s baby vacuum while leaving #1 to fend for herself. Two months later, #1 moved back in with him but he was still creeping with #2 and #3. Sure enough, he ended up knocking up #2. She decided to keep the baby and call him Gabriel Agbonlahor Jr. Now she lives in a house that he owns.

Congratulations if you’re still with this and you’re aren’t drooling on yourself. The lesson here is that European groupies get abortions. Hopefully Shawn Kemp doesn’t figure how they get down over there. Italy will start thinking they have an illegal baby immigration problem before they realize they’re all being made in-house. Population decline solved. Shit on your hands and slap yourself, Italy. It’s Shawn Kemp’s world and you’re about to catch the supersonic sperm wave.

Yes. Yes they are.

If you can’t read the sign, it says, “Jack, are the Villa more important than our marriage? It’s over, Jess.” Jack isn’t there to hear your question so I think you know the answer, Jess. You lose.

Just imagine you’ve signed a deal to play for Manchester United but inside you know that you’re no good and don’t even deserve to play in the top division let alone at Man U. What would you do? Play it cool and just hang on as long as possible while banking the millions you don’t deserve? Not if you’re Eric Djemba-Djemba.

Former Man U “player” Djemba-Djemba declared bankruptcy last year but that wasn’t the half of it. His agent has revealed that while Djemba-Djemba was earning £75,000 a month at Man U, he was relying on appearance and bonus monies to get by.

[Agent Christopher] Mongay said: “Eric is on a different planet. He simply has no notion of money. At one point, he had 30 different bank accounts. He was juggling between credits.

“There was a time when he owned 10 4×4-drive cars — 10! I kept telling him all the time to watch out. When he arrived at Manchester United, I decided to take over the running of his accounts. It used to take me four hours a day! At United he was earning about £75,000 basic per month. But every penny was going straight to loan repayments. He was having to live on bonuses and extras. He started to ask United for advances and, at a club like that, something like that doesn’t go down well.”

I mean, eight 4×4′s would seem appropriate but 10? After failing miserably at United, he moved on to Aston Villa where he also failed miserably. In his bankruptcy hearing, it was claimed that he even owed money to the Aston Villa club shop. Hey Djemba, don’t tell ‘em you’re Jewish!

Now Djemba-Djemba’s earning a measly £15,000 a month playing in Qatar. Let this story be a lesson to you profligate athletes out there. Even if you blow your load on multiple homes and posses like MC Hammer, you can still make it so go ahead and spend spend spend.

We’ll leave you with a quote from Djemba-Djemba’s coach at Nantes talking about something he said that would come back to haunt him. “‘I don’t understand this. In France, I see money coming out of the walls’. He was talking about cash machines.”