Gervinho’s a proper Gooner, you fuckin’ muppet! (or something like that cause I don’t do North London accents)

Seriously don’t. Chelsea players may kick ball boys and Liverpool supporters may steal but Arsenal fans grow up to be psycho killers (Norman Bates). How do I know this? TV tells me so and who am I to argue with television? Follow me now.

Indoctrination starts when the babes are mere pups. The children are snatched almost directly from the womb and sent to Norway where they’re raised in prison nurseries similar to Chinese gymnastic gulags.

Staff at a nursery in Norway have dedicated themselves to teaching their children to become Arsenal fans, with kids decked head to toe in Gunners memorabilia and learning the words to songs sung by the Emirates faithful.

The Arsenal theme – chosen by the Gunners-supporting owners – which some football fans may joke surely amounts to child abuse, seems to be a hit with the kids.

But maybe some of the children are a bit too cunning to be brainwashed, with one rebellious youngster identifying a picture of Arsene Wenger as ‘Obama’.

If there’s one thing Wenger isn’t about, it’s hope and change. He couldn’t change his philosophy if he had a gun to his head and an offer of a coat with a new zipper. A big win like yesterday’s 5-1 result over West Ham will raise expectations only to have them crushed when the players forget how to shoot and defend.

How cute you say? The nursery describes itself as a “culture pre-school”. Branch Davidian kids started out the same way. Look how they ended up. ‘Murica bless the ATF.

It starts there then the children grow up and start attending matches at Emirates Stadium. It’s as quiet as a library inside but outside they puff up and start trouble with former players. Easy now. When Chamakh cooks beef, the smoke’ll never clear.

Boys turn to men and as they get older the disappointment of an empty trophy cabinet gets to be too much to justify paying for season tickets. However they can’t leave the Arsenal. Football is a lifetime obligation. You can’t quit it. Watching your team suffer crushing defeat after crushing draw weighs on the soul after what seems like a lifetime but there’s no outlet. No crew to dissipate the frustration and bitterness. Welp, time to turn to killin’.

I just discovered a show called Elementary where people reenact real life crimes. I know 60 Minutes is on CBS so every show on there must be a documentary or news magazine program. Why else would so many old people watch that network?

Vinny Jones appeared on an episode of Elementary and showed what happens when the pain of Gooner failure becomes too much to bear. He turned to slayin’ bitches like Pol Pot.

During the show, Moran, played by Jones, kills some of his victims whilst watching Arsenal and also rejects the advances of a prostitute because he wants to watch “The Arsenal.”

Maybe he should have watched the Arsenal in a bathtub so he’d be able to watch them and get it up for the hooker. It seems to work in Cialis commercials.

Here he is explaining why he done up a Scum supporter.

You don’t want your children to end up like Vinny Jones? Then look alive and pay attention. If you see something, say something and don’t let your children support the Arsenal. The more you know.

H/T to 101 Great Goals for the Elementary videos

Some Chinese healers say the first piss of the morning heals black toe nails. Bull penis is also considered to be an aphrodisiac. Footballers have relied on injury treatments involving goat’s blood and Viagra in the past. A horse’s placenta? Why the hell not?

Arsenal and Netherlands striker Robert van Persie won’t be making any runs due to being ruled out for six weeks following an ankle injury suffered in a friendly against Italy on Saturday. He’s going to Serbia for treatment in an attempt to return to action as soon as possible. A Serbian doctor will attempt to treat his injury by rubbing fluid from a horse’s placenta on his ankle. Arsenal physios are fine with this. Manager Arsene Wenger probably suggested using a little boy but that wouldn’t go over too well in the press. It’s not clear how rubbing Ruud van Nistelrooy’s placenta on van Persie’s ankle will make it heal faster but the visual has to be worth the price.

We can’t wait until Rex Grossman and Daniel Cabrera come out with brochures touting the advantages of signing them. Rex Grossman: The Last Sex Cannon You Will Ever Need. He’d probably make it himself using crayons, macaroni, construction paper and lots of backwards R’s a la Toys “R” Us.

It may not work for Rextacy but it did work for Michael Owen who somehow convinced Sir Alex Ferguson to sign him for Manchester United. For every Ronaldo, there’s a Djemba Djemba. Even the Injury To Be Named Later couldn’t believe the brochure worked so well.

Shocking that Owen was able to do the interview in a somewhat vertical position. He probably pulled something when he got surprised at the fact that Ferguson was interested in him. I imagine it’s similar to Merrill Hoge giving himself a concussion at the very thought of Vince Young.

Arsenal striker Emmanuel Adebayor didn’t waste any time following Owen’s lead. The crew at Arseblog were lucky enough to get their hands on the Adebayor brochure. Let’s just say it puts Owen’s to shame. It won’t be long before teams such as Real Madrid, Inter Milan and Barcelona are offering Arsene Wenger wads of cash and little boys in exchange for the Togolese striker. How could they not afford to take this chance? Have a taste of Emmanuelessence.

Mr Emmanuel’s a tender and considerate lover in addition to being better than Marlon Harwood and Mido. What a bargain!

If women want to bear his children, you know Mr. Emmanuel is strong like an elephant in the bed. He is also the same in front of the goal. He most definitely has the first touch of a pachyderm, most likely a rhinoceros. His work with No More Boom Boom and K.U.N.T. make him that much more appealing to your women and male fans who would sleep with their favorite soccer star while wearing his shirt.

Not Irish and jazzy? Take that, Robbie Keane!

I don’t know about you but if I had a soccer team, I’d Adebayoratize it posthaste. I’d probably also Fellainiate it too just to add another fucking awesome hairstyle.

Adebayor Brochure [Arseblog]

Sensitive thugs, y’all need hugs.

Professional athletes should be commended for not running to rehab like politicians or actors when they get caught acting a fool. The offender’s team or agent writes an apology that the player couldn’t have written and everyone moves on besides the victim(s). Just ask Leonard Little and Chris Henry who made a “complete 360″. Someone should have explained this to French rugby player Mathieu Bastareaud before he checked himself into Le Looney Bin.

Bastareaud claimed that he was jumped and punched by five men while returning to his hotel after France played New Zealand in a test match last week. Not quite. You see what had really happened was he hit his head on a table after drinking too much. Want to try that again? It turns out he was acting a fool and one of his teammates settled him down by laying him out.

“Drunk and aggressive, Bastareaud was reportedly calmed down by a fist from one of his teammates,” the daily Le Parisien reported.

Bastareaud admittted lying about the incident. He thought he could cover up the truth but that didn’t work out so well. Instead of ending the situation with an apology and cover up from French rugby officials, he decided to check himself into a mental hospital for two weeks after suffering “serious psychological problems”. Stade Francais president Max Guazzini said the media pressure became too much for the player to take.

Maybe we’re being too hard on the kid. He is the cousin of Arsenal and France defender William Gallas who everyone agrees is batshit crazy. It’s not his fault. It’s in the blood.

I don’t know nuthin’ bout no swine flu. All I know is that I got me some swine fever and I’m lovin’ it. Bacon up that sausage? Way ahead of you. On the other hand, Manchester United better know and be ready for some swine flu when they take on Arsenal in a Champions League semi-final match later today.