Where is Right Said Fred when you need them? Former French international Youri Djorkaeff obviously misses them. That has to be the only excuse for the atrocious tribute dug up by the Guardian yesterday. Djorkaeff is best known here for bailing on the New York Red Bulls (then known as the Metrostars) to go to a World Cup match while claiming he had “unexpected, serious family matters” in France. Hanging with Carl Winslow and Stefan Urquelle is no excuse. Just ask Charles Barkley.

Those pants. Why don’t I have a pair of those? You know Carl Winslow would love to Boss Sauce in those pants. This video screams for a couple of Congolese backup dancers and Grace Jones. Like the Jason Kidd video posted earlier this week, Jerkoff’s video is bad but it still doesn’t beat Andy Cole’s Outstanding. This song and video were released in 2006. Could this have been the reason why he went AWOL? If so, the team should sue him immediately.

He also eats chicken cause that’s how Surinamers do. With rhymes like those, it’s no wonder Liverpool’s Ryan Babel is in the fat Spanish waiter’s doghouse. He can’t get a start and if he wants to know why, he might start with his rapping.

He’s not mumbling. He’s rapping in Dutch. Here’s your translation:

Rapping is my hobby
Rappers don’t want trouble
I’m the Liverpool star those bitches are loving
I know what time it is – I’ve just bought a new watch
I’ll give you a punchline: eight seconds, you’ll be knocked down
Towel in the ring
My family in the V.I.P
No caviar for us, Surinamers eat chicken
Ya’ll know nothing: this is the Premier League
Representing the G
You can see this nigga with number 19
Ya’ll can fuck off, I fuck with a whole team
Ya’ll can talk, but you don’t get anything with it
Ya’ll can’t be like me, my status is too high
If rappers come to close, I have to take space
People watch YouTube to learn my actions
I have those skills, try some tricks
I was a poor nigga
Now I make fucking money
I went from the Euro to the English pound
I put money in my pocket, now I spend money on nothing
I like it this way, I’m sure you like it
If somebody want beef, well come on
I like it with some pepper, homie
I’m sure in my life
Give me the fucking ball, you lose both legs
And now my competition is past
If you hate me because of that, I say you’re right
If I was you, I would hate me too
I have the shit homie
I can’t even spend all my money
Keep your daughter in sight. or you will be my family
I’ll take your daughter and let her make clean
101 Barz – this is the first time but I came hard!
I came alone, I don’t have a back-up
I came because I mean it
Check it

We shouldn’t come down on him too hard. This isn’t nearly as bad as the abortion spewed out by Andy Cole. Nevertheless he should stick to soccer and leave the rapping to experts like Kobe** and Shaq.

**Sweet baby jesus, this is the first time I’ve seen that Kobe video. That’s a Rwanda-level atrocity.

Ay Dios mio. We just stumbled across this…this…abortion dropped by former Manchester United star Andy Cole in 1999. It’s his debut and hopefully last music single called Outstanding. Hopefully, that’s supposed to be ironic. This stinks so bad it could “knock a buzzard off a crap wagon from 100 yards”.

Outstanding didn’t even break the UK Top 40. Hopefully Sir Alex gave him the hairdryer treatment for making others suffer through this.

This video got me wondering what other footballers got their music on and whether they fared better than Andy Cole. I managed to pull some “old and busted” together for you. Thank me later.

First up is Diamond Lights by Glenn Hoddle and Chris Waddle from 1987. Glenn Hoddle will always have a special place in my heart. I can’t remember if it’s for starting the Chelsea evolution from also-rans to contenders or his views on the disabled.

Diamond Lights charted at No. 12 on the UK charts. “Not a bad song. Not a good song either.” You have to love Hoddle forgetting to lip sync at 2:42.

The next entry is the English Super Bowl Shuffle known as the Anfield Rap. Liverpool recorded this before the 1988 FA Cup Final. I have no idea why teams don’t record FA Cup Final songs anymore. The songs were always shit but good for a laugh especially when you hated the team.

Geordie boys do anything including “suck sickly sausage rolls” according to Gazza. Paul Gascoigne recorded Fog on the Tyne with Lindsfarne. I certainly don’t want to make fun of alcoholism but maybe seeing this had something to do with his incredible decline from being the future of English football to the sad mess he is today.

Who Ate All The Pies lets you compare the original to the Gazzafied version. We have to agree that the Gazza version is actually miles ahead of the original.

Here’s another Geordie offering from Newcastle manager Kevin Keegan. Doubt he’ll ever sing this to Dennis Wise.

Think Alan Shearer’s going to let Gazza and Keegan take all the glory. Hell no. Here’s the former Newcastle captain singing an emotionless All Night Long. I think Lionel Richie’s job is safe. Yeah jambo jambo!!

Los Angeles Galaxy GM Alexi Lalas is more of an acoustic kind of guy. Here he sings Goodnight Moon. I wonder if this was part of his sales pitch to Goldenballs.

I’ll close this post out on a high note with Fulham midfielder Clint “Deuce” Dempsey who happens to be my favorite US player not just because he shares a name with this blog. You might remember his most recent offering on Setanta. Here’s Don’t Tread with Big Hawk. America, fuck yeah.

If these aren’t enough for you, enjoy the musical stylings of Ruud Gullit, Terry Venables (that’s El Tel to you) and Blackburn’s Morten Gamst Pedersen.

** I just came across this Who Ate All The Pies post listing the top 10 rapping footballers. Enjoy.