Adelman Be Doin Thangs
Early Fall in Minnesota
Rick Adelman and David Kahn sit in the Timberwolves combo office trailers that the team rents from the neighboring construction company two days a week. Adelman is just spitballin personnel ideas…and all the sudden he bolts upright.
Adelman: I’ve got an idea! What if we played 5 white guys at the same time?
Kahn: It cant be done! How many coaches have tried before and failed? You’ll get eaten alive on the court and your bones will end up scattered out in the Minnesota forest like a million snowflakes being windblown from one snowdrift to the next.
Adelman: The fuck? You been reading Dostoevsky or something?
Kahn: Dosto’s words make my heart sing.
Adelman: Well I’m gonna flesh this idea out. You should stop reading that bleak Russian shit or you’re going to end up throwing yourself from a bridge or something else way too melodramatic.
TWolves Training Camp
Adelman is surveying his roster, looking for any good lineups with his already injury riddled squad. Kevin Love is out. Rubio is still a month or two away from returning. But all these Eastern Euro’s can ball. Maybe there is something in that. No more Darko. Thank god all those locker room knife fights between him and Pekovic are over. Or at least they won’t be going on here. They can have it out on their own time in the offseason.
TWolves Season Begins
Adelman and Kahn are back in the combo office trailers discussing the team. Kahn has now adopted the look of an early 1900′s Russian Snow Magnate that has little to no self awareness. He wears a cape made of bear fur almost all the time, even during press conferences, and for some reason kind of sounds like Boris Badenov from Rocky and Bulwinkle.
Kahn: You’ve good job so far in year, Commisar Adelman. You are deserving of all the Vodka and Bearmeat this cold Minnesota forest has to offer. But I notice you flirt with the disaster by playing too many white players at same time. I can not has this. The Commander upstairs will send me to toil on Timber lease 1000 miles north of here if I displease him.
Adelman: You’re just going to have to trust me Davidov. Everyone said Stalin couldn’t hold out against the Germans in the siege of Stalingrad but who ended up winning that?
Kahn: The Russian people suffered many hardships because of Stalin and Hitler’s brinksmanship in Stalingrad that Winter. But it is known who reigned victorious. I place my life in your hands Adel Man.
TWolves Vs. Heat – December 18th 2012
Adelman is having trouble against Lebron with Derrick Williams guarding him at the 4. He looks over at his bench, and Kirilenko looks at him and nods his head. Kirilenko gets up off the bench and walks past Adelman, whispering, “It’s time for the Whiteout, Coach.” Kirilenko waits at the scorers table for the next dead ball. When he enters the game you can hear audible gasps throughout the arena. The TWolves are playing 5 white dudes at the same time. Heat coach Erik Spoelstra sees what is happening and calls a timeout to talk to his team. But before he does he harangues a ref within earshot of Adelman saying, “If I could, I would take my team off this floor right now as to not be a part of this blatant mockery of the NBA.” The score during the timeout is 44 to 37 Heat. When play resumes the TWolves hold their own for the first couple minutes, even narrowing their deficit to only 2 at one point. But then Lebron decides that he has seen enough of this bullshit and one man wrecking crews the TWolves for a sold 4 minute stretch. Extending the lead up to 14 before the end of the half. At halftime Adelman gets a mysterious call telling him that he won’t be seeing Kahn again unless he wants to go visit Northern Canada. As the mysterious call ends he thinks to himself, sacrifices have to be made in the fight to make white basketball players more acceptable throughout the NBA. And Kahn sucked as a GM so who really cares if he’s been sent to a Canadian Gulag.
