The televised circle jerk and LeBron suck-off otherwise known as the ESPYs is an abortion of an awards show (as if there are good awards shows). This isn’t news to anyone who has sat through an entire show or been subjected to non-stop replays on ESPN weeks after the show.

Since the ESPYs are here to stay, ESPN might want to take a page from the Brownlow Medal Show. You want an awards show? They’ll give you an awards show replete with drunken hosts and ass grabbing. Take a gander at Carlton player and Street Talk host Brendan Fevola. In a word? Awesome.

Pressure point!* Steven Seagal! WOOOOOO! Why can’t Brian Urlacher and Ray Lewis get housed and rough up Mike and Mike during the awards? Fevola had a lotta mo.

Fevola did not hold back as he simulated sex for the cameras, puckered up for some unsuspecting WAGs and bystanders, and swore black and blue while interviewing players and guests.

Accompanied by a cameraman and sound assistant, Fevola had several mishaps, including knocking a full bottle of beer out of Western Bulldog Adam Cooney’s hand that went flying into the crowd.

The outrageous footballer lurched and fell on to a barricade as Carlton skipper Chris Judd and girlfriend Rebecca Twigley came tohis aid.

Holding a fist full of notes, Fevola then tried to pay a waiter more than $500 for giving him free alcohol.

“Just keep it,” Twigley said to the confused waiter as she tried to steady Fevola. Even stern and heavily pregnant on-again-off-again wife Alex could not calm down the wobbly Blues player.

“Brendan, I’m telling you, stop drinking,” Alex said.

“But I just did Street Talk,” Fevola slurred.

“Oh yeah, that went really well,” Alex said.

Richmond’s Nathan Brown took over Fevola’s Footy Show duties, as the Blues bad boy continued to party hard.

Fevola was seen on the balcony at the River Room, where the after-party was held, smoking cigarettes in the rain and vomiting.

The crowd at the awards show was not pleased with the self-righteous hosts of the show who refused to show more footage of Fevola’s antics. He should be given some credit. At least he made it to the show.

The Bulldogs’ Jason Akermanis didn’t even make it to the show because he got shitfaced the afternoon of the medal show. He went out with teammates to celebrate the end of the season but was supposed to attend the show that night. His wife was forced to pick him up from the pub in her evening wear but he was in no shape to attend the show.

Akermanis offered a medal-worthy explanation: “I had planned to go (to the Brownlow), and I had a really good plan in place to get there. But it’s fair to say I miscalculated a few things, and as such didn’t execute the plan all that well.”

Brilliant.

Dana Jacobsen had the right idea until the man shut her down. Fevola didn’t fare much better. He was fined AU$10,000 and kicked off the Footy Show. Way to Mutu his ass.

* Here is the incident Fevola was referring to when he was yelling “Pressure Point!” and “Steven Seagal!” at Chris Judd.

The 40 oz in Adriano’s lap is freezing his balls and the Special One is not amused. The talented Brazilian striker’s time may have run out at Inter Milan after he was sent home from training by manager Jose Mourinho for showing up drunk last Thursday.

Training after the defeat by Bremen was set to resume at 10.30am. The Brazilian arrived in good time but in a very bad state. The coach saw this and asked him to leave the training centre.

Gazzetta dello Sport describes Mourinho as “inevitably furious” after the incident. Adriano is obviously not aware of the damage the Special One can do when crossed. Former Chelsea striker Adrian Mutu found out after testing positive for coke. He was tossed off the team and banned from play. After several court battles, he now owes Chelsea £13.68m for breach of contract. Lesson? Do not fuck with Jose.

This isn’t the first incident involving Adriano and alcohol. He’s well known for his partying ways even back in Brazil where he fled last year after going a bit insane in Milan. Inter was nice enough to let him go back to Brazil and get his head straight. After promising to change his ways, he was pictured out on the same night with everyone’s favorite tranny connoisseur, Ronaldo.

Good times! Hope Ronaldo has space on his couch. Adriano returned this season and already has shown up to training wrecked several times in addition to being seen out in the clubs and showing lackluster effort on the pitch. It’s surprising that Mourinho has tolerated this behavior for so long but maybe he feels differently about Adriano than he did about Mutu. It’s not as though he’s the main or only option up front. Inter has the talented Swedish international Zlatan Ibrahimovic as well as the young Mario Balotelli (who is going to be a star before long). The two of them make Adriano excess to requirements. Inter would probably be best served cutting him loose and sending him back to Brazil before he completely turns into the Brazilian Gazza.