The debacle at Newcastle United continues to boggle the mind. It’s nothing but a clusterfuck from owner Mike Ashley down to the fans who continue to drive away potential club buyers and managers with their rabid, bloodthirsty rantings about King Kev and their non-existent history. We’ll have an in-depth look at the club from a guest writer who is a football legend in his own right. Before we do that, let’s catch up on the latest haps from the “very big club”.

Ashley, realizing that he’s cruising for a lynching, has been trying to find a buyer for Newcastle. However he insists on selling at over £400million GBP. He had no luck in the Middle East and things were looking rather bleak until the Nigerians showed up. The latest rumored buyer is a Nigerian company called NVA Management.

We used our Abuja sources to track down the introductory communication from NVA to Mike Ashley and the trillions of Newcastle supporters expressing their interest in purchasing the team.

From: Prince Chris Nathaniel

Dear My Most Best Sincerity Friends,

I am fine today and how are you? I hope this letter will find you in the best of health. I am Prince Chris Nathaniel, the Chairman of the “Contract Award Committee”, of the “NVA Management (NVA)”, a subsidiary of the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation (NNPC). NVA Management (NVA) was set up by the late Head of State, General Sani Abacha who died on 18th June 1998, to manage the excess revenue accruing from the sales of Petroleum and its allied products as a domestic increase in the petroleum products to develop the communities in the Niger Delta Oil producing areas. The estimated annual revenue for 1999 was $45 Billion US Dollars Ref. FMF A26 Unit 3B Paragraph “D” of the Auditor General of the Federal Republic of Nigeria Report of Nov. 1999 on estimated revenue.

I am the Chairman of the Contract Award Committee, and my committee is solely responsible for awaiting and paying of contracts on behalf of the Federal Government of Nigeria. My Committee awarded Contracts to foreign contractors for Drilling and Ecological Matters in the oil producing areas of Niger Delta. We are now in expansion to Premiership League football and are in heavy negotiations for the biggest team in all of Tyneside called Newcastle United. We overshot the contract sum by £13,485,000.00. We have paid His Excellency Mike Ashley of Buckinghamshire £400million and withholding the balance of £13,485,000.00. But, because of the existence of some of the domestic laws forbidding civil servants in Nigeria from opening, operating and maintaining foreign accounts, we do not have the expertise to transfer this balance of fund to a foreign account.

However, this balance of £13,485,000.00 has been secured in form of Credit/Payment to a foreign contractor, hence we wish to transfer into every Newcastle supporter bank account as the beneficiary of the fund. We have also arrived at a conclusion that you will be given 20% of the total sum transferred as our foreign partner, while 5% will be reserved for incidental expenses that both parties will incur in the course of actualizing this transaction, and the balance of 75% will be kept for the committee members. This balance will be paying to every Newcastle supporter who helps us complete the transaction.

If you know that you will be capable of helping us actualize this transaction, you should send to me immediately the details of your bank particulars or open a new bank account where we can transfer the money £13,485,000.00, which you will be holding in trust for us until we come to your country for our share. Your nature of business does not matter in this transaction. The required details includes your company’s name, address, your private personal telephone/fax numbers, your full name and address, including your complete bank details where the transferred fund will be routed by the Apex Bank.

Note that this transaction is expected to be actualized within 21 working days from the day the required details are forwarded to the Federal Ministry of Finance who will approve the needed foreign exchange control allocation for the release of this money to your account. Please, treat this as top secret. You should contact me urgently.

Thanks for your cooperation.

Yours faithfully,
Prince Chris Nathaniel

This is by far the best offer Ashley will ever receive. If he knows what’s good for him, he’ll give up his details and encourage every true Barcode fan to do the same. Soon they will be delivered from evil and into Highlife heaven by a prince. Imagine Fela Kuti blasting from the speakers of St. James Park while the strike force of Obafemi Martins and Ade Akinbiyi strike fear into the hearts of Gareth Southgate and Gary Megson. That’s straight juju right there.

All praise due to 419eater.com.

It looks like General Petraeus may be doing his job. The surge is clearly working. How do I know? Iraqis now have time to bombard my spam folder with 419 letters like the Allies on Dresden.

Is Me Mrs Awatif Al-kamil woman bassed in bagdad in iraq,I felt good and was happy to meet such An Honest one and i so much trust your Country and there Poeple soit is with that i wish to contact you for a little assistance you can render to me.Due to the situation here in in iraq,those of us in the business circle are finding it very difficult to cope with the situation here,no stable goverment,bomb explotion at strategic places every now and then,sometimes people find it very difficult to go about their normal businesses due to fear of being victim of terrorist attack,above all.

the crisis in iraq now has made business activities totaly parallised for quite sometime now.for intance,no good telephone facilities,no
adiquate security,infact,all most all the basic infrastructure were destroyed during the recent war in iraq,ever since then .he enveroment in iraq has never been condusive business wise.Please,why i need your assistance is that i have about (us$ 10.000.000)TEN million united states Dollars in my custody.

i inherited the money from late my husband who was a major general in iraqi army in charge of purchase and maintainance in the immediate past regime.My intention is to move the money out of iraq and invest the money in stock market or real estate in your country with the help of an honest person who will work with me as
my foreign associate, i want to invest most of the money abroad to avoid lossing the money, because it is not wise doing business in the atmosphere of fear here in iraq,that’s why i am calling on you.If you can honestly collaborate with me ,i am ready to pay you up to 20% of the total amount if you can sincerely assist me to actualise this project soon,because the situation here in iraq is very critical,the everyday bomb explotion seems to have no end.

I wait patiently for your urgent response.

i am just trusting on you in the name of Almighty ALAH and i know you will not sit on my money and deny me, am a Devouted mosleem woman(sheer( and i respect ALLAH so pls do not dissapoint me because i have made up my mind to esterblish the US$10m dollars in your country of which i would want you to be my business partner.

i told my Diplomat that you are my business partner and we have fiduciary relationship. i hope you understood me clearly. inshy allah. waiting patiently for your Anticipated favourable reply.

Byee
Allah bless you
MRS Awatif Al-kamil
central Baghdad city,
kara iraq.

Inshy Allah indeed! Shine sweet freedom. Shine the light on me.

Photo courtesy of the 419 Eater.