Oh, Bron-Bron. You stomped the collective hearts of Cleveland basketball fans roughly 18 months ago with your broke-ass kicks. Clevelanders are still clearly broken up about it, but they’re trying to move on: two top five draft picks and you sucking in the Finals last summer certainly helped. Also easing their pain was the growth of a hideous beard, which I’m guessing serves as some sort of President’s Day tribute or is just covering up some bad skin. Regardless, it seemed like your former fans were finally ready to move past “The Decision.” And yet, you couldn’t leave well enough alone:

LeBron James said he made a mistake in the way he left Cleveland and could see himself playing for the Cavaliers again.

“I think it would be great,” James said, responding to a question after the Miami Heat’s practice at The Q on Thursday afternoon. ”It would be fun to play in front of these fans again.

“I had a lot fun times in my seven years here. You can’t predict the future, and hopefully I continue to stay healthy. I’m here as a Miami Heat player, and I’m happy where I am now, but I don’t rule that out in no sense.

“And if I decide to come back, hopefully the fans will accept me.”

You are an idiot. You are perhaps one of the five most recognized athletes in the world and yet if I had to rank the most savvy, I’d put you in the bottom five. Only A-Rod could possibly be as clumsy, selfish, and out-of-touch.

Bron, as a man who has been the victim of a few “transition” relationships before, let me help you out here: you NEVER talk longingly about an ex-boo while purportedly devoting yourself to a new one. You know who does that? Drunken college girls who can’t really figure out what they want, so they lead dudes on for semesters at a time, only to eventually piss everyone off at once. Then they get labeled as the “dramatic, crazy one” and no one ever wants to talk to, or date them ever again. All the great things they’ve ever accomplished are overshadowed by this weird, self-absorbed personality, overtaking any redeeming quality (i.e., averaging a triple-double) they ever presented in a personal or romantic relationship.

Nevermind.  Too late. Good luck with that marriage, bud.

h/t to the lovely Nikki T

I want to like Jeremy Lin, I really do. It’s a pretty cool story when a player comes out of nowhere and rips off a dominating hot streak. In June 1995, Mike Benjamin of the San Francisco Giants, a utility infielder and career .229 hitter, collected a MLB record 14 hits over three straight games. It was an amazing story, ensuring countless baseball nerds like myself would never forget his name. For die-hard NBA fans, Lin has done the same. However, if the media continues to cover him this way, I’ll do my damnedest to never hear it again.

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Hi there! Remember me? I like sports! Except this isn’t really about sports. But it is. Sort of.

Stadium music playlists are like that friend of yours who just started watching “The Wire:” they’re about seven years late and hopelessly annoying precious. For instance, the last time “Seven Nation Army” got so much air time, the Patriots could actually string together three consecutive playoff victories. Seems like ages ago.

Not surprisingly, athletes are similarly predictable. Ask any linebacker, centerfielder, left winger, or power forward about the importance of what’s playing through their headphones and they’ll all tell you the selections are an integral part of their pre-game preparation. While you’d think most would stick with their Jay-Z/Kayne/Nas standards, they all come back to one man and one man only; the “White Lionel Richie,” 80′s legend, Mr. Phil Collins.

Well athletes of the professional sports world, clear your schedules because today is the day we give collective thanks: it’s time for the Sixth (what, only six?!?!?!?) Annual Phil Collins Day 2012. Yes, a day dedicated to the man who built up so much 80′s street cred then killed it with an Oscar-winning song about lions dying in a fire or something. Via Gothamist, one of this year’s feature attractions is a Phil Collins confessional:

“This year there will be a Phil Collins confessional booth, upon which people will design masks, enter the booth with their secrets in hand, and reveal them to the camera. The confidential footage will be sent to Phil Collins himself, a man who truly understands the trials, tribulations and trueness of love, and puts them to a good beat.”

Against all odds, I would attend this event. Now, before you begin pulling the string at this rather tenuous sports connection, remember what Ray Lewis once said:

“That song (“In the Air Tonight”) depicts everything you’ve always dreamed of, every moment you’ve dreamed, the places you are at and where you want to be. Phil Collins is a short guy with a lot of power. I fell into the song long ago as a child when it was played on Miami Vice. Once I got older, I started understanding I could use it for motivation. You ride off your heart and your heart is where your treasure lies.”

Because of the way Ray treasures Phil, I personally believe everything he’s been accused of back on that cold Atlanta night 12 years ago has all been a pack of lies. 

Make no mistake, when it comes to appreciating Phil, you can’t hurry love, you just have to wait. I suggest “No Jacket Required” or the seminal “Invisible Touch.” Just give them a listen, and in no time, you’ll be an easy lover of his soulful voice. For there are two kinds of people in this world: 1) those who love Phil Collins and 2) liars. 

Mark Cuban is a funny, smart, charming, and successful NBA owner. Most NBA fans wish they had a guy like Cuban running their team. Most NBA owners appreciate the attention (and revenue) he’s driven to the league. Most MLB owners, on the other hand, wish he would just go away. And so it goes with Mark Cuban’s efforts to infiltrate the Billionaire Boys Club known as Major League Baseball.

Anytime a MLB team gets put up for sale, ”media reports” link Cubes to the deal. First, it was the Pirates. Then the Cubs. Then the Rangers. Now, the Dodgers. As Cuban told some crappy off-shoot of ESPN:

“It all comes down to price… It’s important to have more than enough money to pay players and invest in the organization.”

At this point, one might think Bud would finally take pity on the guy, right? After all, if Cuban can transform the Dallas Mavericks from basement dwellers to regular playoff contenders to world champions, surely he deserves a shot at saving one of baseball’s greatest franchises?

Well, as my aunt used to say, “Dream on Alice, it’s a long way to Wonderland.”

Cuban, for all his success, is a loose cannon. Major League Baseball, much like THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE™, is not very quick to implement change or accept being held in derision. Their ownership is anything but progressive. Cuban is the exact opposite. This scares Bud. To wit:

On Cuban possibly buying the Cubs, according to MLB sources:

“There’s no way Bud and the owners are going to let that happen, zero chance.”

When Cuban sought ownership of the Rangers, the incumbent administration (read: MLB-backed bid) repeatedly lobbied to throw out Cuban’s bid, going as far to suggest if Cuban’s group won the auction for the team, there was only a “50-50 chance” MLB would approve the deal; thereby sending the asset back to bankruptcy court (and royally pissing off the team’s creditors). According to ESPN’s Jayson Stark, there would have been “significant opposition” to Cuban controlling the franchise.

Throughout these trials and tribulations, Cuban has said all the right things. He’s professed a willingness to step aside and allow baseball people to run the show. He’s intimated he’d be willing to spend the money necessary to field a competitive team.  As someone who cares about the “sanctity” of the game as much as anyone, I think he’d be an excellent addition — his commitment to winning and innovation would be more than welcome in a sport that is still afraid of instant replay.

Unfortunately, from field to front office, baseball is a game that moves incredibly slow, even more so when there’s money involved (which makes even more sense to bring in Cuban, a self-made billionaire). Allowing Cuban to own one of baseball’s crown jewels is a long shot at best, even at any price.

By now you’ve heard the curious case of Dirk Nowitzki, the Texas Rangers, and the first pitch of the World Series. Marc Stein, the ESPN NBA reporter who looks like the kid from “Two and a Half Men,” noted on Tuesday that the Rangers nominated Nowitzki to do the honors for at least one game in Arlington but that recommendation was nixed by MLB — mainly because they wanted to show solidarity with their idiot NBA brethren (Really? The same league that allows teams to pay crappy role players $20M a year?). Just before Game 1 last night, Sports Illustrated baseball reporter and hash tag abuser Jon Heyman tweeted that this wasn’t the case as Texas actually wanted beloved geriatric QB/finance baron Roger Staubach instead. Whatever. As I’ve written here before, the Deuce is about answers, not questions. So Dirk is out until NBA players win back the right to pay the likes of Carlos Arroyo $17M a year. Well, until that happens, here are some real Texas alternatives: Read the rest of this entry