Growing up in Cincinnati meant that I was going to be a Bengals fan and a Reds fan. But for pro basketball, a sport I love deeply, I was basically a fan with no team.  As a kid, I followed a pretty solid formula. Root against the Bulls. And it wasn’t even that I disliked Jordan so much, I just inherently rooted for the underdog every time, which was never Jordan by the time I was old enough to know what the fuck was up. And to this day I’ve really enjoyed never having a true blood-boiling allegiance to any NBA team.

So some years I was a Knicks fan (I like to think of myself as a better Anthony Mason), some years I was a Pacers fan (DUNKEEEN DUTCHMAN!), and some years I didn’t really care who won as long as the games were good. I liked this set up and still do. The NBA is the one sport I can watch casually and never get that upset about the result. I mean, I will root for a team to win (Right now that team is the Knicks because I live in NYC and they are oddly compelling no matter how good or bad they are), but if they don’t it’s not going to put me in a funk. I’m not going to start mainlining whiskey if the Knicks give up 74 points in one half of ball (They did this last night! It was darkly amusing.). And I watch a lot more NBA than I do other sports because of this.*

Anyway, the NBA these days has so many good teams and players and stories making you want to watch that basically every night there is a good reason to tune in. Especially when you haven’t gone sour on the whole league because of your favorite team’s problems. It’s like no strings attached romance. You can walk away without feeling guilty. And you won’t feel guilty a couple days later if you dial the NBA’s number for a late night encounter again.

*Sidebar: Football is football, so I’m gonna watch a certain amount of games every week no matter what depending on the matchups. Baseball though, unless the Reds are playing, it might as well be some form of slow drip torture. Although I do like rooting against the Yankees, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I have to watch their games. I just need a baseline of intelligence about their team and then I can get them riled up about Jeter being a bronzed statue out in the field or George Steinbrenner pulling strings via Ouija Board. Hockey is not televised as far as I know. And European Soccer is awesome and I would watch a lot more of it if all the games weren’t on in the middle of the workday. Not coincidentally, Euro Soccer is also a sport where I don’t have a rooting interest.

As of last Sunday night, everyone’s favorite sport, football, is finished for the next several months. Don’t lie to yourself about it. Football is wonderfully entertaining to watch and if they (sports) were all being held at gunpoint you would gladly watch Basketball and Soccer and Hockey get gunned down before embracing football in both arms and whispering in its ear, “I won’t reeeaaally miss them that much as long as I always have you (a third of the year).”

Hypothetical killings aside, there are some reasons to watch the shunted aside children of the sports family. Especially Basketball.

Basketball comes in two forms. The classical art, great athletes doing wild, inconceivable things on a court version, which is the NBA. And the everyone kind of sucks, teams score less, it looks like they’re trying harder because their tiny little legs can’t cover that much ground so quickly version, which is NCAA Basketball. They’re both very fun to watch.

The NBA gets knocked a lot because the casual fan has some misconception about players and teams not trying hard until they get to the playoffs. This, “players are lazy” (racial undertones anyone?) argument is crazy to me considering how much competition there is for these guys’ jobs and how every night they are being scrutinized by not only their coach and team personnel department, but also the fans. Fans who can express their displeasure anywhere they damn well please on the internet. Suffice to say there isn’t much slacking off going on in the NBA. And if you want to see supremely talented players compete at the highest level our planet* has to offer then you turn to the NBA.

*The Monstars in Space Jam do not travel to Earth. It has something to do with a problematic space visa.*

The other side of the coin with the NBA being labeled as a bunch of lazy players collecting paychecks until they have to start trying in the playoffs is the idea that NCAA Basketball is all about hustle and the desire to win. Umm yeah, college basketball gives off that appearance only because it can’t hold a candle to the athleticism and skill that every single player in the NBA has.

It’s like in baseball when some hack sportswriter says that some shitty white shortstop (ex. David Eckstein) is the real MVP of the team because of grit and heart and intangibles. No, the shitty white shortstop only displays this grit and heart because he’s not as good at baseball as his peers. It looks like he’s trying so hard because baseball does not come as easily to him, which is not a good thing for him or his team.

So in NCAA BBall, a few of the guys you’ll see out there playing will show enough promise or are obviously gifted enough to get a chance in the NBA, but for the most part you are watching good players whose careers will either end once they exhaust their eligibility/graduate from their school, or they’ll have to find another lesser league to make a living in which will most likely be outside the USA. That was a very long aside though. To get back to the point, even though they might not be NBA quality, all of these college players are incredibly good at basketball and the NCAA puts out a perfectly good, watchable product. But it can’t even be compared with the NBA when it comes to level of basketball being played. They are two completely different animals.

Some of the best things about watching college ball are the best things about any imperfection. It’s more realistic. Where the NBA seems like some master craftsman deigning to show you how good they can make something look. College ball is going to make you roll around in the muck and remember what it is to have to fight for something because you haven’t been handed all the advantages. Because that’s usually how it goes in life.

As a Bengals fan born in the mid 80’s I have no knowledge of what it’s like to root for a team in a Super Bowl. All I really know how to do is root against teams I don’t like and not so secretly wish would disappear in a this was god’s will sinkhole tragicomedy. Most of the last several years this has been the Steelers and Patriots. The Steelers, because they thrash the Bengals 96% of the time and I do not enjoy their misbegotten portrayal as a shining beacon of football purity. And the Patriots, just because I’m a spiteful person and they’ve won plenty so fuck them. This year though, I’m having trouble picking which side I want to win less. So here is my thoughts on both teams.

Against the Ravens: Ray Lewis’ Big Tent Revival Tour featuring special guests God and Fucking Damnit. I’ve already said a bit on that if you want to catch up. The fashion forward idea of Purple Camo gear that their fans wear. I assume they would come in very handy when you’re being hunted by giant meat eating gobstoppers in some parallel Candyland universe. All jokes aside though, I actually like the purple camo gear for some twisted reason. It appeals to my finer instincts.

Back to the reasons though…Baltimore left Cleveland in the middle of the night and then won a Super Bowl with basically Cleveland’s team not too far after. Okay, this list is starting to take a hard turn into the why I’m rooting for the Baltimore category. But so be it. I hate Cleveland. Ahaha. It could have been your Super Bowl ya Northern Ohio/South Canadian shit stains.

I’m not a particularly big fan of Joe Flacco. It might be his eyebrows. They’re so full and luxurious that I’m kinda jealous maybe? Or do I have some deep seated mistrust of people that could probably grow facial hair on their ENTIRE FACE . Like a hair face where all you see is the lips and the eyes. After saying that now I kind of want to watch Harry and the Henderson’s. That’s all I can think of for the Raven’s right now. Also, there is absolutely nothing bad to say about Ed Reed. I can’t even front and act like he isn’t my favorite football player maybe ever (Sorry Corey Dillon).

 Against the 49ers: The 49ers beat the Bengals in two Super Bowls in the 80’s. I wasn’t born yet for the first one and I was only a tyke for the second one so I have very little to stand on when talking about these games. But that doesn’t mean I’m not aware that they happened. So a hearty fuck you in the direction of San Fran for that whole thing.

Now I’m just gonna bust open the whole Haterade pipe and let it flow. Jim Harbaugh is a really good football coach but also a sizzling hot pan of “I’m being wronged, don’t mind me while I throw a wildly entertaining temper tantrum about not getting a PSP for Christmas.” What’s wrong with the Jim Caldwell Coaching Technique of looking like you’ve done a bunch of Peyote and if you move an inch, just the slightest twitch anywhere on your body, you will most definitely lose your shit man so I’m good just standing here posing for the imaginary daguerreotype photometer this violent Kodiak Bear is taking a picture with?

Alex Smith is pissing me off not taking advantage of his opportunity to do literally whatever he wants on the sidelines. He should have a beer helmet on, pulling good looking girls out of the stands to hang out with him and talk shit to people walking by. You’ve got to milk the sympathy teat for all it’s worth because after Sunday he probably will end up on some shitty team like the Cardinals or the Bills and he will never get up to the top of the mountain again. Instead he’s being the true blue teammate and bullshit of that nature. That will only get you so far son. Sometimes you gotta know when to get yours, and then when it comes time to be contrite, you do it.

To close, I guess good luck out there in your rooting endeavours?

Super Bowl Media week started today and I thought it’d be fun to guess some of the things that Ray Lewis will say to reporters. Remember, he is the lamb bone of god now, or however that phrase goes.

“And so the almighty spoke in to my helmet and told me, Ray, son, are we human? Or are we dancers?”

“And he who cast the first rock towards my kingdom will suffer a grievous injury from my leap of faith onto the pile of already tackled players.”

“I have seen the mountaintop! And it is littered with the trail of the dead who dare step to me and mine outside of nightclubs.”

“These tears you see streaming down my face? They are for all mankind. I am legend.”

“Ed Reed is a destroyer of worlds and although he is my teammate and my brother he will suffer an eternity of hellfire and brimstone for what he has done to lesser men on this mortal plane.”

“Only the righteous man walks the path of the unencumbered, limbs akimbo, PCP induced dancer.”

And this is probably the only thing Ed Reed will say before dropping the mic, “Any y’all wanna play some dice?” He’s the best.

Well now that this whole Manti Te’o kerfuffle has gone full bloom I’m starting to wonder what exactly in my life needs to be double checked.

• My Broken Computer – Did it ever really work or was that a very prolonged intricate dream?
• Dentists – I’ve always been very skeptical of their supposed mastery over all things mouth. Could be charlatans.
• Air – You can’t see it.
• Deodorant/Antiperspirant – I certainly still sweat on basically all occasions…
• The Internet – It’s almost too big and wild to entertain the idea of it being a real thing.
• The Sun – Could be just a big flashlight that some guy walks along the top of our earth dome in a big circle.
• Space and Space Travel – Exactly like “The Internet”.
• Argo – Have you seen the movie? I haven’t. Just sayin.
• Canada – I’ve never been there. Same thing goes for New England now that I think about it.
• Homeland being a good show – Could be a product of media oversaturation. Check that. Definitely a product of media oversaturation.
• Smoking on Planes – That particular ban has always been a little fishy.
• Mercury Poisoning – Maybe it gives you special powers and The Government is scared to think of the possibilities.
• Seasons – It was damn near 60 in NYC the other day…
• The Mainstream Media having any sort of tenuous grasp on what it takes to do real journalism (excepting Timothy Burke and Jack Dickey).
• The IRS – Who’s really checking on whether we pay our taxes? Maybe no one?
• My Current Headache – Who’s to say I don’t feel great right now?
• My Lack of a Girlfriend – Maybe I actually do have one and I didn’t know?!?!