The NCAA Goes Into Emperor Nero Phase
With Chip Kelly bolting from Oregon for realz this time one can only speculate what sort of wild hammer strokes the NCAA is going to throw down on the university. Here is a list of potential penalties. Please remember that there is no rhyme or reason to what the NCAA do. They are like a strung out ODB when it comes to enforcing their shit.
1. Puddles has to take shit from all opponent mascots and not retaliate. If it chooses to retaliate then it has to end up getting it’s ass whooped by whomever it engaged. If not, then the NCAA has no choice but to remand it to a local area BW3′s during games for the remainder of the probation period.
2. Oregon QB’s are not allowed to run the ball for the entirety of the probation period. Scrambling is not a loophole.
3. The playclock must be at or under 5 seconds before Oregon snaps the ball on all offensive plays regardless of what is on the gameclock.
4. Oregon will be forced to select one uniform and wear only it throughout the probation period.
5. Oregon is not permitted to score Touchdowns during the 3rd Quarter of any of it’s games during the probation period. Field Goals are allowed though.
6. All local streams and creeks near Eugene must have beaver damns installed during the entirety of the probation period. Failure to install and maintain said beaver dams will result in forfeiture of games, program revenue, and further sanctions may be applied.
7. The only highlight that can be shown inside Autzen Stadium is Dennis Dixon injuring his knee in 2009.
8. All university cafeterias must serve In ‘N Out and all currently enrolled Oregon State students are allowed to eat there for free whenever they want.
9. Ron Prince must be installed as Head Coach for the entire probation period and his contract must include at least a 5 year and 10 million dollar buyout.
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