As a Bengals fan born in the mid 80’s I have no knowledge of what it’s like to root for a team in a Super Bowl. All I really know how to do is root against teams I don’t like and not so secretly wish would disappear in a this was god’s will sinkhole tragicomedy. Most of the last several years this has been the Steelers and Patriots. The Steelers, because they thrash the Bengals 96% of the time and I do not enjoy their misbegotten portrayal as a shining beacon of football purity. And the Patriots, just because I’m a spiteful person and they’ve won plenty so fuck them. This year though, I’m having trouble picking which side I want to win less. So here is my thoughts on both teams.

ravens camo

Against the Ravens: Ray Lewis’ Big Tent Revival Tour featuring special guests God and Fucking Damnit. I’ve already said a bit on that if you want to catch up. The fashion forward idea of Purple Camo gear that their fans wear. I assume they would come in very handy when you’re being hunted by giant meat eating gobstoppers in some parallel Candyland universe. All jokes aside though, I actually like the purple camo gear for some twisted reason. It appeals to my finer instincts.

Back to the reasons though…Baltimore left Cleveland in the middle of the night and then won a Super Bowl with basically Cleveland’s team not too far after. Okay, this list is starting to take a hard turn into the why I’m rooting for the Baltimore category. But so be it. I hate Cleveland. Ahaha. It could have been your Super Bowl ya Northern Ohio/South Canadian shit stains.

I’m not a particularly big fan of Joe Flacco. It might be his eyebrows. They’re so full and luxurious that I’m kinda jealous maybe? Or do I have some deep seated mistrust of people that could probably grow facial hair on their ENTIRE FACE . Like a hair face where all you see is the lips and the eyes. After saying that now I kind of want to watch Harry and the Henderson’s. That’s all I can think of for the Raven’s right now. Also, there is absolutely nothing bad to say about Ed Reed. I can’t even front and act like he isn’t my favorite football player maybe ever (Sorry Corey Dillon).

 Against the 49ers: The 49ers beat the Bengals in two Super Bowls in the 80’s. I wasn’t born yet for the first one and I was only a tyke for the second one so I have very little to stand on when talking about these games. But that doesn’t mean I’m not aware that they happened. So a hearty fuck you in the direction of San Fran for that whole thing.

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Now I’m just gonna bust open the whole Haterade pipe and let it flow. Jim Harbaugh is a really good football coach but also a sizzling hot pan of “I’m being wronged, don’t mind me while I throw a wildly entertaining temper tantrum about not getting a PSP for Christmas.” What’s wrong with the Jim Caldwell Coaching Technique of looking like you’ve done a bunch of Peyote and if you move an inch, just the slightest twitch anywhere on your body, you will most definitely lose your shit man so I’m good just standing here posing for the imaginary daguerreotype photometer this violent Kodiak Bear is taking a picture with?

Alex Smith is pissing me off not taking advantage of his opportunity to do literally whatever he wants on the sidelines. He should have a beer helmet on, pulling good looking girls out of the stands to hang out with him and talk shit to people walking by. You’ve got to milk the sympathy teat for all it’s worth because after Sunday he probably will end up on some shitty team like the Cardinals or the Bills and he will never get up to the top of the mountain again. Instead he’s being the true blue teammate and bullshit of that nature. That will only get you so far son. Sometimes you gotta know when to get yours, and then when it comes time to be contrite, you do it.

To close, I guess good luck out there in your rooting endeavours?

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