Lillian, the bitch is falling down the stairs again! It just doesn’t pay to fall down the stairs these days. Life Alert and witnesses are useless. Aunt Bunny got no help. Sergio Kindle was cut by the Ravens and now a soccer fan has received the super-ban, cousin of the super-injunction.

Francesco Fortucci is persona non grata at every stadium in England, Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland. Wbat was his impressive trangression? Falling down the stairs during the Edinburgh derby between Hearts and Hibs.

Did he take responsibility for his actions? Hell no.

The Jambos diehard took to Facebook to air his 
distress.

He said: “Entering a stadium while drunk. Currently banned from all stadia in UK . . . harsh.”

The barber had earlier told pals his alleged ban is indicative of everything that is wrong with the game.

He said: “There’s no denying it’s a sore one, however if I receive a banning order for simply falling then this will tell you everything that is wrong with Scottish football. I’m not the first person to fall down stairs at football and I won’t be the last.”

Mr Fortucci claimed that despite reports he had been helped back to his seat by Hearts ground staff, he had instead been taken straight from Tynecastle to a nearby police station.

He claimed: “Ushered back to my seat? P**h – try ushered down to St Leonard’s.”

You think doing a flip over the gate was good? Wait until we play Kilamrnock. I’m gonna triple lindy off the upper deck. If drunks can’t fall down the stairs at Scottish soccer games, we might as well call it a day. You want to know why Rangers is playing in the Third Division instead of the Premier League. Banning fans from celebrating their teams by diving down a concrete staircase. Float away, you fairy and let’s get pissed!

A fan managed to catch the fall and landing on his cell phone. Zapruder would weep if he were alive to see this video.

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