I couldn’t find a picture of a fat duck wearing a Browns jersey so a fat, brown platypus will have to do. It has a duck bill so it’s close enough, assclown.

Won’t someone please think about the ducks! If you enjoy quality books about the food industry, check out “The Foie Gras Wars: How a 5,000-Year-Old Delicacy Inspired the World’s Fiercest Food Fight“* by Mark Caro. In it, he details the debate over the banning of foie gras in several states from both sides of the issue. Gavage is the process by which ducks are force-fed in order to fatten them up and make their liver nice and tasty for the top of the food chain to enjoy. If you’ve tried it, you know it’s tasty. How you would feel if humans were subjected to the same treatment? Well it’s happening.

It was bad enough when the American viewing public was subjected to the Marlins in The Franchise on Showtime. Luckily for us, only 23 people have Showtime. Unfortunately we all have the Travel Channel which is premiering a show about the Cleveland Browns next week.

In this first of its kind series with in-season coverage, the NFL will provide unprecedented access to Travel Channel to unveil never-before-seen footage of what it takes to run and travel an entire professional football team from city to city, game to game, during the regular season. Every road trip requires a massive amount of coordination to haul the 150-person squad 20,000 miles a season. From feeding six-tons of men, to clothing and housing them, to how a stadium prepares and deals with more than 70,000 rabid fans, Travel Channel’s cameras are there to capture this massive undertaking.

Viewers will see how the Cleveland Browns live and prepare each week through the eyes of the players, staff and team management all the way up and including the top dawg, new owner Jimmy Haslam. They can expect to learn more about the history behind deeply rooted team rivalries and other notable insights not typically covered in normal game coverage. Episodes will focus around the weeks leading up to games played against the New York Giants, Baltimore Ravens, Dallas Cowboys, Oakland Raiders, Denver Broncos and Pittsburgh Steelers. When the game ends, the real work begins … and there are no timeouts.

Each week, NFL Road Tested will feature different employees across the entire Cleveland Browns organization. From players, such as starting Rookie Quarterback Brandon Weeden, Rookie Running Back sensation Trent Richardson and Veteran Placekicker Phil Dawson; to the charismatic new Owner Jimmy Haslam, to the team’s Head Equipment Manager Brad Melland, and many, many more. Fans will get a true, up-close idea of the inner workings of a legendary NFL football organization.

So let me get this straight. Anthony Bourdain is leaving for CNN and Travel Channel replaces him with this? You’re probably wondering what Christian Bale thinks of this.

“Ohhhhh, goooood for you. And how was it? I hope it was fucking good, because it’s useless now, isn’t it?”

Maybe it’s good for the Mistake by the Lake and Travel Channel but this is turrible for the rest of us. Let’s watch the Browns travel city to city blowing leads like a cheap hooker on the block. Bet you can’t wait to see them haul disappointment and failure across the country. The only thing that would make this show worth watching would be the voice of John Facenda describing Browns employees packing up the multiple sacks of Chris Weedon for the long trip back to Cleveland along the Cuyahoga River. Gotta get ‘em ready by next Sunday.

Please let the theme be “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald“. Gordon Lightfoot til the casket drop. Scott Fujita. That’s what’s up. Oh wait, he’s definitely down.

Your musical reference: Bad Boy 4 Life by P. Diddy.

*I would have sent you to Strand but the book is out of stock.

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