One is a decrepit monkey skeleton. The other is a legendary broadcaster who refuses to eat vegetables. And now, they hate each other. It all started a few nights ago when TMZ cameras caught Al Michaels outside a Hollywood bistro (jeez, this gossip writing is almost too easy). Feeling flush with confidence after crushing a 20 ounce Cowboy steak, Big Al gave a big negatory when asked if he thought the Oakland Raiders would ever win another Super Bowl while under the helm of long-time zombie master owner Al Davis. If that wasn’t enough, Michaels twisted the knife into Davis, much like he would a poor, defenseless, liberal broccoli plant:

“If you had a team that lost 11 or more games in SEVEN consecutive years, would you say a genius ran the team?”

HO, HO! Al Davis just got GOT.

Well, since Al is notoriously known as the NFL’s most difficult owner (he’s sued the NFL more than once), there was little chance he’d allow this slight to stand. Raider PR lackey Mike Taylor wasted no time in issuing a reply to TMZ:

“[The Raiders] have no idea what Michaels was blathering about.  I do remember Michaels being associated with an ultimately bogus report about adultery and other misdeeds and he thought Al Davis had something to do with it.  Al Davis had nothing to do with it.”

“During the recent Raiders/Saints broadcast, Chris Collinsworth put Michaels in his place when Michaels was speaking about the Raiders.  John Madden did the same thing when he was in the booth with Michaels.”

This is getting complicated. I can’t break this fight down alone so I called in John Madden, a guy who once worked for Al Davis and alongside Al Michaels.  Here’s his take:

“See Duke, what the Raiders did here, wuzza, wuzza, they got this guy Michaels talking bad about their owner, who is a pretty old guy, but hey, he’s the boss, so you gotta listen to what he says. Anyway, what the Raiders do here is play the victim card. Then, when you’re not expecting it, BOOM! They unload with an adultery chop block. If they stick the block, then-a, then-a, that’s gonna be an undermining comment.”

Thanks, John.

At this point, you’re probably thinking, “Well, I guess all’s well that ends well.” Nyet! Enter Irvin Scissorhands the Playmaker:

“I don’t believe [Michaels]. Football is about a bunch of guys deciding they are going to have one mindset, one goal, one heartbeat… I don’t care if it’s Al Davis… When you get that [mindset] in the locker room, that’s when you get a Super Bowl. It doesn’t matter what’s in the front office.”

Right, because the Herschel Walker trade has only been referred to as one of the greatest trades in NFL history, laying the groundwork for three Dallas Super Bowl rings. No, rings are won when a cracked-out receiver decides to stab a teammate in the neck with barber scissors, forcing his team to cover it up for him.

So, what does that leave us with? An elderly man who enjoyed his greatest success in the 1970s, locking horns with a guy who reached his career pinnacle in the 1980s, with commentary by a dude who was last relevant in the 1990s. Please, for the love of all that is holy, start the damn games.

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