Whamp! Whamp! The U.S. women’s soccer team shit the bed against Japan in penalty kicks at the conclusion of the Fifa Women’s World Cup finals in Frankfurt, Germany, surely easing some of the hurt for the nation after the horrific Fukushima daichi nuclear disaster on March 11. Despite this loss, your humble correspondent is not upset by the result. After all, Japan is a terrific nation, with weird, Japanese animation porn, and samurai swords, not to mention sake, and I think robots. They need our support. What? Yes, of course I’ve been to Japan before! I don’t just write about things I know nothing about, you know!

I guess what I’m saying is, it’s just soccer, not a real sport. Women’s soccer at that.

Until two weeks ago, when Ortiz beat the shit out of Ryan Bader, the only fights Tito Ortiz could win were against his wife, who has some skills of her very own from spending most of her career at full guard (raises eyebrows, chomps on cigar).

But now, because casual fans who don’t really watch UFC but want to convince their girlfriends that they do, we get Tito Ortiz against Rashad Evans in a rematch from their bout at UFC 73 in July 2007, instead of a fresh fight for Evans against a legitimate contender. For those of you keeping track, Rashad Evans was originally set to fight Jon “Bones” Jones, but Jones pulled out due to injury. Then Jones’ replacement, Phil Davis, had to pull out also due to injury. After reports that both Lyoto Machida and Ortiz had turned down the fight, Ortiz said “Just playin!” Now Ortiz is squaring up against Evans in the main event at UFC 133 on August 6 in Philadelphia, where undoubtedly this won’t be the only fight in the city that evening (it’s dangerous out there!).

Taste the sad, MMAWeekly.com:

Ultimately, Ortiz has opted to accept the fight and will rematch Rashad Evans in Philadelphia. Still riding the high from his last fight and win over Ryan Bader, Ortiz says he’s far from being done.

“Hopefully everybody will be happy. I’m happy; my camp’s happy. The future will hold great things for me, and this Cinderella story is not over yet,” said Ortiz.

I think I can speak for everyone when I say “I hope you’re wrong.”

Debo from Friday (Editor’s note: actual nickname from his teammates) Steelers linebacker James Harrison has a penchant for helmet shots, as well as a desire to speak his mind, regardless of the potential backlash. It is precisely his fearlessness that propelled him to be the 2008 AP NFL Defensive Player of the Year, as well as the guy who surrendered $100,000 last season to the Shield for devastating shots on Browns receivers Mohammed Massaquoi and Josh Cribbs.

So why should we be surprised at what he said in a new interview released by Men’s Journal (not a gay magazine btw):

On Roger Goodell

“If that man was on fire and I had to piss to put him out, I wouldn’t do it,” Harrison told the magazine. “I hate him and will never respect him.”

His other descriptions of the commissioner include an anti-gay slur, “stupid,” “puppet” and “dictator.”

Sad face for James Harrison. Somebody needs an ice cream cone…or a hug.

Harrison also criticizes other NFL execs, Patriots-turned-commentators Rodney Harrison and Tedy Bruschi (“clowns”), Houston’s Brian Cushing (“juiced out of his mind”) — and even teammates Rashard Mendenhall and Ben Roethlisberger for their performances in the Super Bowl loss.

Harrison calls the running back a “fumble machine” for his fourth-quarter turnover. Mendenhall said on Twitter on Wednesday he didn’t have a problem with what Harrison said “because I know him.” But he also included a link to his stats from last season, which show he didn’t have a pattern of fumbling.

I hate the Steelers as much as any god-fearing Cleveland Browns fan, but the numbers, and facts, don’t support Harrison. Roethlisberger may be a douche, but he delivered a perfect strike in the right endzone to Santonio Holmes to secure a victory in Super Bowl XLIII. The Steelers defense completely shit the bed against Green Bay, and Mendenhall did cough up the rock, but he still had a better game in Super Bowl XLV then Harrison did. But I’m not going to tell him any of that.

Cowboys all-time great wide receiver Michael Irvin is interviewed in the new issue of Out magazine about his relationship with his brother Vaughn, who succumbed to stomach cancer at the age of 49 in 2006. This is worth taking a look at not only because the subject of homosexuality in professional football remains somewhat taboo to many players, but also because Irvin’s vanity is on full display (see above image).

Growing up, Irvin greatly admired his brother Vaughn, who was a successful bank manager while still living in “the ’hood,” says Irvin. That success made him “God” in his younger brother’s eyes. “He was the smartest, most charismatic man I’d ever seen in my life. We would all say, ‘Can you believe — white people put Vaughn in charge of all that money?!’ ” The boys had similar personalities: Both were gregarious and got along with just about everyone. As the 15th child of 17, Irvin wore Vaughn’s hand-me-downs as a boy, and they grew up in close quarters. Even as Irvin kept the secret of Vaughn’s sexual orientation, he remained close to him until Vaughn died of stomach cancer at the age of 49 in 2006.

Just my opinion, but Irvin’s conduct, at times, while an active member of the Cowboys, would challenge the love of most families far more then another family member’s sexual orientation. He also could have openly supported his brother during his playing days, but he does try to explain why he did not do so at the time.

Regardless of what you think of Michael Irvin, he has a strong point about acceptance. Equality is not just some goal, but something that we should all strive to achieve, day-by-day, as a modern society. We’ve come too far not to respect all genders, races, and orientations (“The More you Know” music starts playing).

Okay, serious stuff is out of the way. Now let’s go stuff those nerds into the toilet head-first then hang them up the flag pole by their shorts (pops collar on letter jacket, knocks books out of nerd’s hand, shoves teacher).

Soon, our own urine will be the sports drink of the future! Astronauts aboard the recently launched Atlantis are testing out a new urine recycling system that will somehow take their own pee and convert it into a sugar-flavored sports drink that is sure to be delicious. Here’s how it works from the Sydney Morning Herald:

The bags work without power by taking advantage of forward osmosis. It involves the natural diffusion of water through a semi-permeable membrance that acts as a barrier so that small molecules such as water pass through while larger molecules such as salts, sugars, starches, proteins, viruses, bacteria and parasites are blocked.

The resulting, clean liquid is combined with a sugar flavour additive. NASA says any liquid, not just human waste water, can be cleaned using the system and there have already been trials in villages in Kenya and during disaster relief efforts in Haiti and Chile.

Sure its sounds pretty disgusting, but by all accounts its perfectly safe and I think could have some rather incredible effects on Iron Man races, Ultra-Marathoning, Tour de France style bike races and other super intense tests of endurance. If you can just strap this thing to your leg, pee in the bag while you are running or biking or whatever, have it convert that piss right back into a sports/energy drink then the only time an athlete will ever have to stop is to rest or die.

Gettin a little thirsty Mr. Marathon Man? Just pee in a bag and it will be Gatorade in about 5 minutes! ENJOY!

Can you imagine the use this could get on long road trips as well? Say you dont feel like stopping to pee, not only could you relieve yourself in a bag, you could then drink a delicious sports beverage afterwards and avoid stopping a second time when you inevitably get thirsty after you got rid of all that liquid. Wash, rinse, repeat!

I hope the next thing they figure out is how to turn astronaut’s crap into a 4 course candlelight dinner that comes in a pill shape just like the Jetsons promised would happen. I’m all over that like stink on shit when it happens, SIGN ME UP.

From Seattle Post Intelligence

Photo from Jason Scragz‘s flickr