Let’s be clear from the jump. Riding Paris Hilton doesn’t usually result in wins unless we’re talking about a winning case of the herp. Fortunately breast man Maverick Vinales was riding a motorcycle for Hilton’s motorcross team and not the team owner. Fox Sports didn’t waste any time coming up with a line that sums up everything about her involvement with the team.
Don’t forget to check the “My Rivals Are Pussies: Rossi” story also listed under “Most Popular Motorsports stories”. Good thing Joe Buck doesn’t work for Fox Sports Australia. He’d have an aneurysm after reading those stories. Wait. Someone get him a transfer down under or call Artie Lange to read these stories to him over the phone. That should do it.
And yes, Vinales was named after Tom Cruise’s character from Top Gun so guess that makes Sergio Gadea “Goose”. Nice knowing you, Sergio.
I was at a friend’s birthday party several years ago when she decided that she was tired of karaoke and wanted to go to another bar to ride a mechanical bull. Did I mention she’s from Texas? We got to the bar, loaded up on Lone Stars and whiskey and started messing with the bull. I demurred for a while but eventually the bourbon started talking and I agreed to have a go. The minute I mounted the bull, my friend started yelling, “Black man on a bull!” and off I flew. I may have lost my dignity but at least I didn’t lose the tip of my finger like another friend on the same bull earlier this year.
Now imagine a whole crowd yelling “Black man on a bull”. You won’t have to wonder what that’s like for much longer. Chad Ochocinco is going to ride a bull. PBR COO Sean Gleason challenged the Bengals receiver to mount up at the LucasOil Invitational in Duluth, MN later this month. He’ll get $10,000 just for getting on the bull and a Ford F-150 if he stays on for eight seconds.
Gleason says Ochocinco is “a gifted athlete, but bull riding is a much different sport and climbing on the back of a bull in the chutes takes a little more than Twitter confidence, let alone calling for the gate (to open).”
Ochocinco = Twitter gangsta. Gleason has a point. He still has a standing challenge to take on the Ravens’ Tom Zbikowski in the boxing ring but he wisely shut up about that.
Marvin Lewis is gonna love hearing about his number one receiver riding a bull. Unfortunately for him, he can’t tell Ochocinco not to do it. I think we all know how this is going to end. The only way it can for a Cincinnati Bengal. Pray for Mojo.
Arkansas Razorback WR Quinta Funderburk just raised the bar for haircuts among college athletes.
Funderburk got this fresh cut in Virginia before he took his girlfriend to her high school prom. Check out Complex Magazine for more angles of this magnificence which he jacked from the 80s. He probably wore Skidz and BK’s while getting his hair did. At least he didn’t go with the Shane Mosley S-Curl from Saturday night. Grease up the pig. Never the helmet.
If crime has the Fulmer Cup, hairstyles need their own award. Perhaps it should be a gold-plated spray can called the Randy Watson Trophy. You know what? The hell with mental masturbation. Send in your nominations for the best hairstyles in college sports by email or in the comments. They’ll be featured on the Deuce as we find or receive them. Once we have enough entries, we’ll hold a tournament to see who gets the right to hold up the first annual Randy Watson Trophy. Why stop there? We’ll present the trophy to the winner if possible. If not, we’ll find a way to let him know, get it to him and get his acceptance speech.
George Steinbrenner must be thanking Satan that he’s dead and gone from New York. Imagine what Carmelo Anthony would do to him upon learning that the former Yankees owner was a snitch.
The New York Times’ Richard Sandomir reports that Steinbrenner worked with the FBI on several cases in the 1970s and 80s. He “cooperated with the Federal Bureau of Investigation on national security cases and was willing to let it stage an organized-crime raid at Yankee Stadium”. President Reagan granted him a pardon in 1989 for his convictions for illegal contributions to Richard Nixon’s 1972 presidential campaign as well as obstruction of justice.
Steinbrenner began helping with “a matter of vital interest” in the late 1970s. He quickly moved up to involving himself in thwarting terrorist plots that put him and his family in danger. I assume, without further details, that the situation was similar to Munich where he played the Ehud Barak role.
It gets better. World collide. Sandomir also notes that Steinbrenner attempted to get a pardon using the vaunted “Was That Wrong” excuse.
“Applicant stated that he would not have allowed the $25,000 corporate contribution if he had known it was illegal,” the memo said. It said that he had contributed $75,000 personally to Nixon’s campaign and would have made it $100,000 if he knew he could not make the corporate contribution.
Eat that, Costanza. Steinbrenner finally got his pardon but at what cost? American hero or rat-faced snitch? What would Billy Martin have said? Wait a minute. What do we really know about the night he died? He kept coming around. Maybe he heard too much. Watergate, terrorists, Billy Martin arresting people who try to piss during the 7th inning stretch. The next time you talk about conspiracies involving the Yankees, you can tell everyone it’s not jealousy. It’s the truth.
Poor Willis McGahee. He and everyone else know that he’s out on the street the minute the NFL lockout ends. Free agency is creeping up on him and there’s nothing he can do about it. Ravens teammate Tom Zbikowski can beat up on tomato cans in the boxing ring because he knows he has a job and health insurance when regular programming resumes in Baltimore.
Don’t feel bad for McGahee. He’s already come back from a career-threatening injury in college (oh yeah) and getting knocked the fuck out so he’s used to dealing with adversity. This time’s no different. He already has a new way to make money if he doesn’t sign with another team.
Alfonso Ribeiro would be proud of that Carlton. Even Uncle Phil would give his grudging approval. Too bad McGahee didn’t do “Apache” with Ray Rice as Boogaloo Shrimp.
If you keep watching, you’ll get the Big Man Dance, the Dougie and of course Double Dream Feet. McGahee’s got better moves than Darrin from Darrin’s Dance Grooves** but he’s got nothing on Jonathan Ogden.
** Keep your eye out for Erin Andrews. She swears by Darrin.
