At some ungodly hour tomorrow morning, thousands of American women will perch themselves (and their daughters) in front of a television to watch a relatively unimportant mid-twenties British couple get hitched thousands of miles away. Some of them will wear fancy hats and get dressed up in their Sunday best. So who is this couple inspiring such devotion? Are they famous actors or models?  Not exactly. Industry-leading dentists ridding the British Empire of their centuries-long green tooth epidemic?  Not quite.  Just one horse-faced balding rich dude and a girl not quite cute enough to be on “The Hills.”

But it’s not just any couple!  It’s the ROYAL FAMILY!

Yeah, I get that.  But what’s the difference between Prince William and any other overexposed celebrity couple?  Or any privileged couple that somehow finagles an announcement in the New York Times? Any bets on how many ladies watching Friday morning will actually know the Prince’s last name (“Louis” for those of you wondering)?  In Britain, I understand there’s a certain curiosity about their future (token) heads of state, but in the United States, this makes no sense.

I dated a girl in college who always used to say her dream was to marry William and become the true embodiment of a “Princess.”  This annoyed me to no end, because I was pretty sure even though I didn’t have the money, I was way cooler – our house had a whiffle ball field in the backyard! I was also annoyed because it was a ridiculous statement to say out loud. To your boyfriend. I mean, really, there was a better chance of me wifing-up with Willa Ford (which was the style at the time). Apparently, my ex-girlfriend wasn’t the only one.  Straight from the streets of Sussex, this Cosmopolitan editor is:

…I totally agree: I want to be a princess too!!! Well, actually, I think I decided when was 12 that I wanted to marry Prince William, but after he started dating Kate Middleton, I gladly gave up. I thought she was so perfect for him. And when they announced they had broken up in April, I was actually totally torn up about it… and didn’t even think about what it really meant—he’s back on the market now, girls!

And I’ve decided I’m totally in love with Wills.:) I mean, not only is he absolutely adorable and full of that Britsh charm (and don’t even get me started on his accent, aww!), but what I loved most about hearing him talk was that he’s just so normal! In fact, at some points, he was flat out dorky! And I adore him for that!

Oh, you’re back?  Sorry, I was just in the bathroom, weeping for our country.  And my singledom.

I don’t know if you ladies remember where you’re at, but this is AMERICA.  Something like 45,000 AMERICANS died during the Revolutionary War and War of 1812 in order to keep us from having to watch these “poshies” exchange vows… on the taxpayer’s dime! Remember “No taxation without representation?” Anyone recall the Capture of Fort Ticonderoga?  How quickly you forget, Meredith Vieira! Well, as George Washington once said, “These are the times that try a man’s soul.”

Seriously, I wish these two luck. Prince Horseface lost his Mom in a tragic car accident.  Prior to that, his Dad cheated on his Mom with a woman (he later married) who may or may not be Sir Ian McKellen in drag. For all of that, William seems like a pretty well-adjusted dude. Little bro Harry, though…

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