The Ohio State University has been annoying college football fans for years. A phantom pass interference call brought Columbus a National Championship in 2002. Ohio State routinely produces busty NFL players like Bobby Carpenter, Troy Smith, and Brian Robiskie. Finally, the Buckeyes carry a smug attitude and try to pretend they are better then conferences like the SEC because they won’t “stoop” to the same depths.

We’re not naive. College sports is big business, like mail-order brides, or creepy Japanese kiddie(ish)-porn, and twice as sleazy. So, when it turns out that the ass-clown in the red vest is just as dirty as everybody else you can’t help but smile. Sure, Tressel didn’t bribe any recruits to come to Ohio State, but he did sit on lie about information about his players selling their gear for tattoos (pretty much a requirement in order to reside in Ohio). He also keeps losing in big games against teams that are not Michigan.

This week, the NCAA called out the most annoying program (besides Duke) in college sports, publishing a Notice of Allegations. Ohio State now has until July 5 to respond and is scheduled to appear before the NCAA Committee on Infractions at its Aug. 12 meeting in Indianapolis.

Make me feel better about my alma mater, ESPN:

In a 13-page indictment of Tressel’s behavior, the NCAA alleged that Tressel had “permitted football student-athletes to participate in intercollegiate athletics while ineligible.” It also said he “failed to deport himself … [with] honesty and integrity” and said he was lying when he filled out a compliance form in September which said he had no knowledge of any NCAA violations by any of his players.

(Scooby’s ears perk up) Ruh-Roh!

Ohio State was not cited for the most serious of institutional breaches since Tressel hid information from his superiors for more than nine months. The university has 90 days to respond to the ruling body of college sports’ request for information before a scheduled date before the NCAA’s committee on infractions on Aug. 12 in Indianapolis.

(orgasm face) Okay….just one more:

Tressel is mentioned throughout the Notice of Allegations, which alleges that the coach “failed to deport himself in accordance with the honesty and integrity normally associated with the conduct and administration of intercollegiate athletics as required by NCAA legislation and violated ethical-conduct legislation when he failed to report information concerning violations of NCAA legislation and permitted football student-athletes to participate in intercollegiate athletics competition when ineligible.” Again, this isn’t a revelation, but the NCAA clearly isn’t pleased with the coach. It would be truly surprising if Tressel doesn’t get hit with additional penalties.

Tomorrow, the Deuce will be on the scene in Columbus to speak to Coach Tressel regarding these allegations. We were told we could find him in a pickup truck outside the Ohio State practice facility. We were also told if we see a loaded shotgun next to him and an envelope addressed to his family on the dashboard, not to worry, he’s not a threat to others.

I mean…unless you had dreams of playing well in the NFL someday.

The Madden curse is as real as that growth around Ron Mexico’s genitals, and players for years have proven it. Nevertheless, for a dying rust belt city in Ohio, the offseason is usually their Super Bowl.

Running back Peyton Hillis came out of nowhere last season for the Cleveland Browns, perpetually one of the worst teams in the NFL, to rush for 1,177 yards and 11 rushing TDs for 2010. Throw in the fact that he also caught 61 balls for 477 yards and 2 more TDs and the dude is legit. Finally, he wrestles wild boars, and drags pick up trucks around for fun. Is Peyton Hillis an X-Man? Yes, probably.

Do Magneto’s bidding, Cleveland Plain Dealer:

The Browns have not won a championship in 47 years, so this is a minor victory for the luckless team. However, Hillis now must contend with the legendary “Madden Cover Curse.” Players who appear on the cover of the video game have typically suffered a decline in production the following season, often because of injury.
Hillis, however, laughed at the suggestion of a curse, while EA Sports senior product manager Anthony Stevenson contends the game’s previous bad luck and the troubles experienced by the Browns franchise will cancel each other out.

“If you put the two together, the Browns make the playoffs,” Stevenson said. “I’m going to go ahead and go with that.”

As a native Clevelander I can tell you that will absolutely NOT happen. It’s more likely that I will show up for Maury Povich to take my paternity test sober and willing to peacefully accept the results then Hillis dominating again.

At some ungodly hour tomorrow morning, thousands of American women will perch themselves (and their daughters) in front of a television to watch a relatively unimportant mid-twenties British couple get hitched thousands of miles away. Some of them will wear fancy hats and get dressed up in their Sunday best. So who is this couple inspiring such devotion? Are they famous actors or models?  Not exactly. Industry-leading dentists ridding the British Empire of their centuries-long green tooth epidemic?  Not quite.  Just one horse-faced balding rich dude and a girl not quite cute enough to be on “The Hills.”

But it’s not just any couple!  It’s the ROYAL FAMILY!

Yeah, I get that.  But what’s the difference between Prince William and any other overexposed celebrity couple?  Or any privileged couple that somehow finagles an announcement in the New York Times? Any bets on how many ladies watching Friday morning will actually know the Prince’s last name (“Louis” for those of you wondering)?  In Britain, I understand there’s a certain curiosity about their future (token) heads of state, but in the United States, this makes no sense.

I dated a girl in college who always used to say her dream was to marry William and become the true embodiment of a “Princess.”  This annoyed me to no end, because I was pretty sure even though I didn’t have the money, I was way cooler – our house had a whiffle ball field in the backyard! I was also annoyed because it was a ridiculous statement to say out loud. To your boyfriend. I mean, really, there was a better chance of me wifing-up with Willa Ford (which was the style at the time). Apparently, my ex-girlfriend wasn’t the only one.  Straight from the streets of Sussex, this Cosmopolitan editor is:

…I totally agree: I want to be a princess too!!! Well, actually, I think I decided when was 12 that I wanted to marry Prince William, but after he started dating Kate Middleton, I gladly gave up. I thought she was so perfect for him. And when they announced they had broken up in April, I was actually totally torn up about it… and didn’t even think about what it really meant—he’s back on the market now, girls!

And I’ve decided I’m totally in love with Wills.:) I mean, not only is he absolutely adorable and full of that Britsh charm (and don’t even get me started on his accent, aww!), but what I loved most about hearing him talk was that he’s just so normal! In fact, at some points, he was flat out dorky! And I adore him for that!

Oh, you’re back?  Sorry, I was just in the bathroom, weeping for our country.  And my singledom.

I don’t know if you ladies remember where you’re at, but this is AMERICA.  Something like 45,000 AMERICANS died during the Revolutionary War and War of 1812 in order to keep us from having to watch these “poshies” exchange vows… on the taxpayer’s dime! Remember “No taxation without representation?” Anyone recall the Capture of Fort Ticonderoga?  How quickly you forget, Meredith Vieira! Well, as George Washington once said, “These are the times that try a man’s soul.”

Seriously, I wish these two luck. Prince Horseface lost his Mom in a tragic car accident.  Prior to that, his Dad cheated on his Mom with a woman (he later married) who may or may not be Sir Ian McKellen in drag. For all of that, William seems like a pretty well-adjusted dude. Little bro Harry, though…

Washington Redskins bust defensive whale Albert Haynesworth was recently charged with misdemeanor sexual abuse stemming from an incident at a birthday party at the W Hotel in Washington, D.C. in mid-February (Oh, well, I guess my invitation must have been lost in the mail!). Apparently, the waitress had her hands full with dishes so Big Al figured that placing his credit card between her cleavage would be an empowering gesture to cap off what was likely to have been a thrilling evening of being objectified and ordered around like Princess Leia in Return of the Jedi.

Although Haynesworth’s work ethic, maturity, and cardiovascular shape have been challenged and criticized recently, he has not shied away from his belief that we are all entitled to be with whomever we want, regardless of race.

Hum “Lift every voice and sing” for me, AP:

“I didn’t touch her,” Haynesworth responded, according to the document, adding that he doesn’t “even like black girls.”

When police detectives later tried to interview Haynesworth, he spontaneously told them, according to court papers: “I know what this is about, she is just upset I have a white girlfriend. I couldn’t tell you the last time I dated a black girl. She was trying to get with me.”

The 2010 U.S. census reported back that the U.S. now has more then 4.5 million interracial marriages, a remarkable statistic indicating how far the nation has come from the era of Jim Crow and Segregation.

I think I speak for everyone here when I say that Big Al should be free to go out with whomever he wants. Is Big Al willing to go to jail for his beliefs? I think we both know the answer to that one.

You know how Russian presidents do when they get all up in the club. Poppin’ and lockin’. Making all the ladies say “Hell da!” Prime Minister Vladmir Putin isn’t the only one who knows how the charm the “electorate”. He takes off the shirt and sings songs to make the honeys wet. President Dmitri Medvedev is more of a straight to the point guy.

None of this courtship business. Medvedev doesn’t have time for the slow jams. He has to get back to serving Putin coffee with oil as well as indiscriminately crushing political and economic opponents. He’s all about the freak nasty. Put on some Mystikal and he’ll shake his ass. You better watch yourself or you’ll be pregnant by the time you leave the dance floor. Shout out to Tracy Morgan. Remember when Hillary Clinton couldn’t recall his name during the 2008 Democratic debates? It wasn’t her fault. She was still dazed from seeing him dance.