Captain Morgan not only goes good with parties and parent/teacher conferences.

Fact, TF has not been permitted to get anywhere near a woman in a long, long time since a little misunderstanding at the D.C. YMCA in 1998. His apartment is also littered with old Heavy Metal magazines, Pizza Hut boxes, and the entire collection of Steven Seagal movies (Under Siege 2: Dark Territory stays in the VHS). He spends his evenings making beef jerky, practicing his origami, and reading Metallica tablature. So when the head honchos at the Deuce told him he would be interviewing our Captain Morganette Jacquelyn for the bracketmaster competition, he was so excited that he almost had another misunderstanding in the pool at the YMCA (we’re not within 500 feet of a school are we?).

TF: Jacque, thanks for taking some time to talk with us today. The Deuce is thrilled to be working with Captain Morgan, something that has helped me get through three divorces, and two (?) kids, and we are also thrilled to have you as our Morganette (she had no choice!). For our readers, we just want to confirm that you are in fact a real person, not a hologram or a cyborg from the future, or even something from another planet?

Jacque: (Laughs) Yes, I am a real, living person. Living and breathing.

TF: Colorado seems like a great place to live (seriously, I grew up in Ohio!). Personally, I feel like if the entire world was swallowed up in the apocalypse that state would keep humming along like nothing changed. I mean Hunter S. Thompson lived there! I mean that in a good way.

Jacque: Well, I hope that doesn’t ever happen but I do love living here. I hope that (Denver and the state of Colorado) stay cemented here. It’s a great place to live for sure.

TF: I read in the news that medicinal marijuana has sprung an entire industry of pot cultivation in Denver. Any thoughts? Are you high RIGHT NOW?

Jacque: (Laughs) No, but that is around for people to indulge. The people outside of Denver, in the mountains sometimes like to say that there is a cloud (of smoke) over the city.

TF: In your video, which can be viewed here, you mentioned that you like to snowboard. What kind of snowboard do you have?

Jacque: Burton. They started it all.

TF: Do you currently hate Carmelo Anthony as much as I hate LeBron James? (Sticks pin into voodoo doll Lebron’s crotch)

Jacque: It’s too bad they (Denver native Chauncey Billups was also mentioned) are no longer on the team. There are definitely less tactful ways that (Carmelo) could have (forced a trade before the deadline). A lot of people are sad to see them leave. Hopefully we can get them both to come back here some day.

TF: Given his dedication to his faith, would you still go out with a guy like Tim Tebow, knowing that he is not only (probably going to be a) bad quarterback but also about as sexually advanced as a third grader (2nd grade in NYC public schools)?

Jacque: Oh, he’d be easy (to go on a date with). I am from New York, so I could handle it.

TF: I saw Captain Morgan in the background of the video playing ping pong. In another clip I saw one of the other Morganettes. Did you get a chance to play?

Jacque: We were all just having fun. Playing some pong, the Captain way.

There you have it. I have more notes but I can’t read, or write, so well.

Jacque has been out promoting both the competition and the Deuce of Davenport in Denver, CO and she needs all of our help, because god knows our editors are not the people to lend a hand. So, unless you are a soulless monster determined to deprive Jacque of the chance to get to the Final Four, vote here early and often!

I was a little too tall
Could’ve lost a few pounds
Cargo shorts points hardly reknown
She was a black-haired beauty with big dark eyes
And points all her own sitting way up high
Way up firm and high

Out past Cole Field House where the beers got heavy
Out in the back seat of my ’96  Civic
Workin’ on mysteries without any clues
Workin’ on our night moves
Tryin’ to make some front page College Park news
Workin’ on our night moves
In the summertime
In the sweet summertime

We weren’t in love, oh no, far from it
We weren’t searchin’ for some bourbon in the sky summit
We were just young and restless and bored
Livin’ by the dorms
And we’d steal away every chance we could
To Bentley’s, Cornerstone or the trusty woods
I used her, she used me
But neither one cared
We were gettin’ our share
Workin’ on our night moves
Tryin’ to lose the awkward teenage blues
Workin’ on our night moves
And it was summertime

And oh the wonder
We felt the lightning
And we waited on the thunder
Waited on the thunder

I awoke last night to the sound of thunder
How far off I sat and wondered
Started humming a song from 2002
Ain’t it funny how the night moves
When you just don’t seem to have as much to lose
Strange how the night moves
With autumn closing in

I guess I could tell you, it didn’t work out.  You’ve all had stories like this.  But let’s face it: she ain’t coming back.  Voting for Jacquelyn is the closest you or I or anyone else in this godforsaken blogosphere is ever gonna get.  On top of that, she’s a great girl.  Vote for her, will ya?  Oh, and you could win $15 large, just for taking part in the Captain Morgan 2011 BracketMaster Challenge, presented by Spike.com.  Not bad.

Still interested?

What we need is for you, our faithful readers, to head on over to bracketmaster.spike.com and vote for JACQUELYN in the WEST division. If you want the best chance to win the $15,000 grand prize package and to get Jacquelyn to the top, you have to make sure to go to bracketmaster.spike.com to fill out brackets.  Not once, not twice, but thrice (or more).  Every day.  While you’re waitin’ on the thunder.

Devotees of this site may be shocked to learn that I am indeed a product of the midwest, specifically Cleveland…in Ohio. (wipes nose on flannel shirt, runs fingers through greasy mullet).

During the 1990′s, little pleased me more then begging strangers outside of gas stations to touch me traveling down to Jacobs field (it will NEVER be Progressive Field) and watching the likes of Kenny Lofton, Albert Belle, Jim Thome, Charles Nagy, and Sandy Alomar Jr. Although those Indians never won the World Series, it was still the best the team had been in a long, long time and they remain beloved by my dissolving, rust belt region. Then a figurative (have you seen the weather in Cleveland!?) dark cloud known as Larry Dolan descended over Jacobs field, leading to the present days of nickel-and-diming so blatant that it could make Barbara Ehrenreich march down Euclid Avenue.

Nothing pained me more then passing this kidney stone seeing two-former Indians pitchers face eachother in the world series in 2009. When Victor Martinez got dealt to Boston my heart sank (later determined to be the first signs that I have an arrhythmia).

Way to reopen the wounds, Indians management:

GOODYEAR, Ariz. — Justine Siegal became the first woman to pitch batting practice in a major league spring training camp when she threw to the Cleveland Indians on Monday.

Not only did she pass the test with flying colors, some people became a little envious along the way.

“She made me look bad,” said manager Manny Acta, who also throws batting practice to Cleveland’s hitters.

(vomits into trash can in disgust)

Dear god. Save some room behind that tea cup for me to hide Grady Sizemore!

Siegal has already broken gender barriers in baseball, having coached at the professional and college levels. She wore a patch honoring Christina Taylor Green, the nine-year-old granddaughter of former major league manager Dallas Green, who was killed in last month’s shootings in Tucson. Christina Taylor Green was the only girl on her local Little League baseball team.

“I haven’t spoken to anyone in the family,” Siegal said. “I asked the league organizers if it would be OK if I wore her patch, and they said please do.”

(face turns red, immediately feels terrible)

Well I didn’t read that far before I started posting this, okay!? This website is like Fox News Channel, we shoot from the hip and then dig in and refuse to admit any wrongdoing! In fact, the next headline on this site is going to be “Seventy-five percent of terrorists plan to support Barack Obama in 2012.”

Welcome to New York, ‘Melo. One good thing about him coming to New York is the fact that fans will be able to get something to eat in the Garden again. Eddy Curry’s off to Minnesota. If Prince isn’t careful, he might find himself covered in BBQ sauce and sitting in Curry’s belly like Jonah. You hungry muthafucka!

Anthony may be the half-savior of New York but he should still be initiated and hazed like anyone else joining a new team. Chelsea makes all new players and staff sing in front of the team. Maybe he can perform Q-Tip’s Knicks anthem:

Nah that’s way too easy. If Anthony’s not going to reenact the “Stop Snitching” video, he should be forced to remake this with Keenan Cahill, Isiah Thomas and James Dolan:

Making Anthony front JD and the Straight Shot would be cruel and unusual punishment. I would have mentioned Spike Lee but I saw him on stage at the Prince show in December. No one needs to see him dance again.

By the way, how did Mikhail Prokhorov not fly Anthony to the Alps to party with a bunch of Albanian girls fresh out of a shipping container and Jay-Z? That’s some straight oligarch fail. Roman Abramovich would have been all over it.

H/T to Complex Magazine.

Most people who were aware of the 1994 World Cup at the time remember the name Andres Escobar*. If they don’t, his story still resonates with them. He played for Colombia and is best known for being murdered after scoring an own goal in the tournament. Several drug kingpins were upset with him for causing Colombia to crash out of the competition after losing 2-1 to the US. Let’s just say they had a bit of money riding on Colombia making the second round.

Players, managers and team officials in many countries are used to threats from fans and gamblers when results don’t go their way. Here’s video of ultras protesting Roma’s horrific 4-3 loss to Genoa at their Trigonia training ground on Sunday.

Fans expressing their disappointment by way of pyrotechnics or beatings is expected. Pre-meditated murder is not. Carlos Noe Gomez, vice-president of Guatelmalan team Deportivo Xinabajul was shot and killed after leaving a team meeting last Friday. He received death threats related to the team’s performance prior to his death. They’re currently at the bottom of the league. One has to imagine it’s going to be hard to fill that opening.

If that’s not bad enough, a player from another team was found “chopped up and left in five plastic bags in a rural area with a note saying the player had been killed for ‘messing with other women’” back in November.

Incidents like these make people wish for the good old days of Arkan. At least he was predictable.

*Far be it for us to recommend watching anything on ESPN but you’re missing out if you haven’t seen “The Two Escobars” yet.

** We’re just seeing this now but apparently Salvador Cabanas is back in training. Did we mention he still has a bullet lodged in his brain?