Cincinnati Bengals Owner and Mr. Magoo-like executive Mike Brown, who still purports to have the best interests of Bengals fans at heart, has turned into this.  That’s right, Mike Brown won’t let Carson Palmer break up with the Bengals, just like he won’t let the Bengals break up with his family, and hire some real football minds to run it.

ESPN’s Chris Mortensen pulled his head out of Chris Berman’s rectum long enough yesterday to report that Carson Palmer has asked for a trade out of Cincinnati, the team that drafted him first overall in 2003, the same year that Marvin Lewis was brought over from the Baltimore Ravens to coach the team. 

Check-down, or throw this into triple coverage ESPN:

Palmer has become the object of fan frustration in the past two years and sources said he has grown frustrated with the team’s inconsistencies. The Bengals finished 4-12 in 2010.

Sources familiar with Palmer’s plan and mindset said he is financially secure for the rest of his life and willing to follow through and retire.

Somewhere, Jake Plummer is standing up and doing a church-fast clap.  Ever since having a good season in 2005, Palmer has done the best impression of Rex Grossman that the league has ever seen. 

Palmer had 26 TD this season, but he also threw 20 INTs.  With Chad Ochocinco doing everything he can to stir the pot in Cincinnati we can still be fairly certain that both players will be wearing the worst looking NFL jerseys in league history when football resumes in 2013.              

On a side note, the Bengals are what makes football both exhilarating and depressing. Unfortunately for Bengals fans, year in and year out it’s a lock that they are going to absorb more punishment then Marcellus Wallace (no video available, you’re welcome).

MMA Expert Turd Ferguson has tired of destroying MMA fighters.  He wants to go after something bigger: ESPN.

After a nice run in 1990′s, ESPN transmogrified into that abusive ex-boyfriend (or girlfriend, right Chuck Finley?) that you just wish like hell would go away for good. Sure, you still treasure the good times (Dan Patrick, Craig Kilborn), or the stuff that he/she still has that nobody else could offer (Monday Night Football, Tony Kornheiser) but you also recognize that the things that you liked at first (Chris Berman, Michael Wilbon) we’re never that good in the first place and are quickly destroying your life.

The “Worldwide Leader in Sports” (or just along the Eastern Corridor, Dallas, and the West Coast) recently inked a $300 million, 20-year television deal with the University of Texas.  For those of you looking for that Vince Young Longhornography, keep looking:

Non-athletic fare is likely to run for about three hours a day and include musical performances, plays, and documentaries by faculty members and students, Powers said. Details are yet to be worked out.

‘This will be high-level, entertaining cultural, music, scientific, Discovery Channel, History Channel kind of stuff,’ Powers said. ‘And we have a team put together working on it, and that will be done in collaboration with ESPN.’

Yes, because the last thing we would want on a sports channel would be sports, right? Remember the Alamo!

Also, ESPN is adding a new channel for the University of Texas and all viewers will get is one or two additional football games? That’s like when television networks try to air a cool movie, say “The Departed,” but then have to edit the hell out of it to the point where you are pretty much a lip reader by the end of the movie. What did he just say? GOD I AM SO LOST!

Or, they try to lure you in with movies of the week like “Goodfellas” but bombard you with weeknight schlock like “The Mummy Returns” or “Phone Booth.”  DECEPTIVE!

Similarly, how is Herm Edwards still employed? And why hasn’t anyone attempted to muzzle Chris Broussard?

Some mysteries in our universe will never be solved.

Ten years ago, Derek Jeter was on top of the world — fresh off his fourth World Series title (and perhaps his best season), Jeter had just inked a ten year, $189.1M contract. Feeling flush, he purchased a fully-functional babe lair in the Trump World Tower for $12.6M.  The shortstop had it all: he was the King of New York with four rings, tens of millions of dollars, and the city wrapped around his finger.

And the rout was on. Read the rest of this entry

MMA expert Turd Ferguson strolled into the Deuce offices (aka “The Big Hunt”) last week, sat down and called for three fingers of Kentucky Gentlemen and a High Life.  Then he demanded we allow him to write about football.  We had no choice but to oblige.

If Gordon Gekko has taught American moviegoers one thing; it is that greed is good. If he has taught us two things, it is that greed is good and that Charlie Sheen wasn’t just pretending to like hookers when he played the role of “Bud Fox.”

Yes, America loves Gordon Gekko almost as much as we love stories about rags-to-riches-then-rags athletes, particularly those of the “busty” variety. Former No. 2 overall NFL draft pick/Detroit Lions’ historic skid mark Charles Rogers may need to rethink his approach to maintaining his empire as he watches burly men load his possessions into a moving truck. Read the rest of this entry

H/T: Intentional Foul (Ticket Solutions)