I don’t read Monday Morning Quarterback by Peter King, unless it’s first filtered here. But, serendipity has permitted Peter King to uncover perhaps the most interesting pre-Super Bowl storyline. Well, that and that little matter about the 2011 season going the way of NBC’s Joey.

Ben Roethlisberger has twice been accused of sexual assault, and so, he was suspended for six games this season by the NFL, which was later reduced to four games. Roethlisberger, who apparently believes that sexual assault is not worth more then a couple games riding the pine, thought that the penalty was unduly harsh. NFL Commissioner and “workaholic” Roger Goodell spoke with a number of Roethlisberger’s teammates and basically confirmed what every casual NFL fan already knew; most people who know Big Ben think he’s an asshole.

Tell me again how tough it is to travel to fun places and talk to famous athletes Peter King:

Goodell said he “doesn’t feel any connection” with Ben Roethlisberger. Not too surprising there. I’d always heard Roethlisberger felt he got railroaded on his six-game suspension that was reduced to four. But Goodell said he had “some very tough times” with Chicago defensive tackle Tank Johnson before suspending him, and that Donte’ Stallworth chafed when first told he’d be suspended for a year after a car Stallworth was driving struck a man on a Miami causeway and killed him, with the player being legally drunk at the time.
“The one thing I take a little bit of issue with is when guys tell me they’re being screwed,” Goodell said. “[Most often] they’re not recognizing they have a role in it.” Regarding Roethlisberger, Goodell said when he was investigating what to do with the quarterback, he talked to “I bet two dozen players … Not one, not a single player, went to his defense. It wasn’t personal in a sense, but all kinds of stories like, ‘He won’t sign my jersey.’ ”

Great job, Peter King. Somebody deserves a treat (dangles sardine in front of King until he kneels, and claps his flippers)

But is this even really news? Former Steelers Linebacker Joey Porter called out Roethlisberger in 2006. It’s not like it was a secret that Roethlisberger is a douche.

As we already know, America loves winners. Therefore, you’ll never guess what happened this week during Super Bowl press conferences when Steelers teammates were asked about Goodell’s assertion.

Drop my jaw to the floor ProFootballTalk:

Steelers linebacker James Farrior, however, said it’s simply not true for Goodell to claim that no one on the Steelers went to bat for Roethlisberger.

“I was highly upset about the whole situation,” Farrior said. “When Roger Goodell came to us in the preseason, I think I was the guy that asked him a lot of the questions about Ben. I was pretty upset about it. I really didn’t get any answers from him that I was looking for, but I was definitely disappointed in what the verdict was and how they proceeded. I definitely didn’t think he should be suspended four games.”

Poppycock! Roethlisberger has always been popular with his teammates. Let’s hope Roethlisberger uses his newfound people skills to diffuse the situation and doesn’t try to “force” the issue with his teammates before the big game.

America loves winners. Winners always get the girl. Winners beat up losers, and then defecate on their wimpy Hybrid sedan. Winners order the largest steak in the vegan restaurant and then ride the rest of the cow home to the theme from Bonanza.

Winners make money, drive fast, park in handicapped spaces, and win football games. Winners, even if they are jerks, sell tickets. It’s the reason we have to put up with Deion “Prime Time” Sanders and Michael “Premium Cut Cocaine” every Sunday on the NFL Network during football season (If that’s true, then why is Cris Carter employed?) It’s the reason people pretend to like Michael Jordan. The reason people tolerate Tiger Woods.

The problem is, even if we know it’s not true, America still chooses to believe that winners are virtuous, that the poor can some-day become rich, and the G-spot exists. In short, we love winners, we love building them up, tearing them down, and then rebuilding them.

Enter Ben Roethlisberger, elit(ist) quarterback for the hubristic Pittsburgh Steelers. The Steelers organization would like you to believe that somewhere between Big Ben getting drafted 11th Overall in 2004, winning two Superbowls and twice being accused of sexual assault, he abandoned the virtuous ways of “Steelers football.” The organization, and even the NFL, would have you believe that they operate with some kind of halo over them.

Just before the 2010 NFL season commenced the Steelers traded wide receiver Santonio Holmes to the New York Jets for a 5th round draft pick allegedly to “send a message” to their troubled QB. Message heard: the QB stays because he’s a winner. Holmes is a winner too, but we can get a wide receiver easier then a QB.

Big Ben also convinced NFL Commissioner Roger “Mussolini” Goodell that he had reformed his ways in the two months between his accusation of sexual assault and when training camp started, so his suspension was summarily reduced from six games to four. Lesson learned; if you’re a quarterback with two rings, you get the benefit of the doubt. Winners are always right.

So from now until Sunday, we will be treated to countless stories of how THIS Ben Roethlisberger is a changed man. A better man. He is no longer the sexual deviant, and arrogant dine-and-ditcher out of Miami of Ohio.

Why, he’s even found religion! Don’t see him praying after each game right in front of the camera! He moved his parents to Pittsburgh to be closer to him! He nurses baby calfs each morning and feeds ice cream to deer!

Hooray! Now drink my shots, bitches!

There is talk already about Roethlisberger’s changes. He won’t be interviewed for stories focused on him, but he’s reportedly engaged and word around town is he’s spending fewer nights in bars and rediscovering the religious base of his childhood.
This will all be amplified to push the narrative of Roethlisberger becoming a some sort of hero.
But, really, all that matters is that Roethlisberger — even with a sloppy two-interception game against the Jets — is playing some of the best football of his career. He ranked fifth in passer rating this season with the NFL’s second-lowest interception percentage, a unique combination of mobility and arm strength boosted by the experience of 110 NFL starts.

To be clear, Roethlisberger is not a good guy. But he’s a winner. America loves winners. Sorry, Dan Marino.

The NBA on TNT crew found this out recently when they did a live spot with Tracy Morgan and Kenny Smith asked him which female he’d rather sex up, Sarah Palin or Tina Fey.  The answer is classic Tracy Morgan.

After 16 seasons, the longest tenured coach in the NFL, Jeff Fisher is on the unemployment line. Earlier this month it looked like Fisher was going to be safe when owner Bud Adams took a break from sleeping in an iron lung and being spoon-fed baby food to publicly declare that he was keeping Fisher after jettisoning talented (overrated by “analysts”) but troubled Quarterback Vince Young, whose goodwill in Tennessee evaporated quicker then Young’s hairline after a very public argument with his coach late in the season.

Still nobody likes to get dumped. Somebody grab Jeff Fisher an Entenmann’s and a bottle of Chardonnay. Fisher just wants to put his hair in curlers, watch old reruns of “Murder She Wrote” and dish about how Bud Adams smells like Bengay.

How does Jeff look in this Colts Jersey, ESPN?

“I want to thank Mr. Adams and the organization for a special 17 years,” Fisher said in a statement released by the team. “I can’t thank the fans enough for the support they showed us through the years; it has been a tremendous experience. We all did our very best and I think I can look back with fond memories and be very proud of what we accomplished. I want to wish the organization, the current players and the fans nothing but the best in the future.”

Since reaching Super Bowl XXXIV (like a hundred years ago!) Fisher hasn’t been that great, and the Titans have not won a postseason game since 2003. Last season the Titans started 0-6 and Adams forced Fisher to start Vince Young, who lead the Titans to finish the season at 8-8, something that would have caused a near-riot for joy in Cleveland or Cincinnati. The Titans have finished at .500 or below in five seasons since 2004.

When Bud Adams was asked who he wanted to interview to be his next head coach he replied “Paul Brown!” Reporters didn’t have the heart to tell him that Brown’s been dead since 1991. Or that Adams looks like an exhumed corpse. “Someone get him back to the museum of natural history!” a reporter shouted.

(Research for this post conducted in coordination with “Things that Never Really Happened Illustrated.”)

Herschel Walker is not a man who fits into the box of the “conventional.” He only eats one meal a day, sleeps about four hours a night (I call that a nap) and he is famous for doing 1,000 push ups and 1,500 sit ups every day. He runs a successful food services company, so it’s not like he’s ducking the IRS like many other current/former athletes. He’s 48. He is fighting this Saturday for Strikeforce, only his second pro bout, and earlier this week Walker said he may try to throw on pads and cleats and get back on the football field when he clears a half century. Maybe he can get Kurt Warner, Mark Schlereth, and Keyshawn Johnson, too?

Pour me a glass of prune juice before I choke you out ESPN:

“I’ve told everyone that at 50 I might try football again to show people I can do that,” Walker said on Monday during a conference call to promote his upcoming fight. “I want to be the George Foreman of football, come back and do that one more time.”

Walker, a former Heisman Trophy winner and Pro Bowl running back, has two destinations he says he would consider for a possible NFL comeback.

“The two teams I would come back to play for are Minnesota or Atlanta,” Walker said. “It would probably be Atlanta because that’s home for me.

“I’m a Georgia boy. That’s just home.”

Whatever, he’s not going to take any carries away from Michael Turner, or any meals (Turner’s kinda hefty boys and girls). Herschel is fighting Scott Carson (4-1-0) on Showtime this Saturday at 10pm ET in San Jose, Calif.

God, Strikeforce kills me. They can’t air their fights on basic cable like UFC, and they only went on CBS a couple times, where their top rated show is “Two and A Half Men.” Also, the top name in Strikeforce is near 50. On second thought, it’s
probably a good pairing between CBS and Strikeforce. Look for plenty of ads for adult diapers and metamucil around the ring this weekend.