Forced To Eat Your Own Beard? That’s A Paddlin’
Let’s put one thing to rest before we start. This didn’t happen in Florida. Yes, we all thought the same thing when we read the headline but the Sunshine State get a pass this time.
Troy Holt, James Hill and Harvey Westmoreland lived on the same street and were the best of friends. Imagine King of the Hill if it took place in Lawrenceburg, KY instead of Arlen, TX. Everything was great until one fateful day when a lawn mower and a beard would destroy the friendship forever.
“My brother was cleaning out the stalls out there for Troy, you know, working for him. They called and wanted me to come around there and when I got there, I realized they were already drunk,” Westmoreland said.
Of all things to fight about, he said, punches started flying over a lawn mower.
“Troy offered to buy it from me for two hundred and fifty dollars. I paid twenty bucks for it. He thought I was trying to cheat him,” Westmoreland said. “One thing led to another, and before I knew it, there were knives and guns and everything just went haywire.”
“They cut my beard and forced me to eat it,” he said.
Westmoreland said Holt and Hill let them go, but threatened to kill them if they called police. That wasn’t enough to keep the two brothers from calling 911.
Wait. Why are we telling you about it? Let Harvey tell you about what went down at Troy’s stalls.
Hold up. Harvey bought the lawn mower for $20. Troy wanted to buy it for $250 but thought Harvey was cheating him. What the fuck? There’s something missing in this story besides a chromosome.
Why do I care how this started? All I know is that it ended with Harvey eating his own beard and that is brilliant. It used to be much longer and he was the envy of all the other guys on Willisburg Road. He’s a modern-day Samson. Then again maybe he’s at fault. A samurai would never let his hair get cut off while he’s still alive. There is no honor in Lawrenceburg.
Want the other side of the story? Read the comments section where Troy’s people come flying to his defense like Florida fans for Tim Tebow.
Who cares who’s at fault? All I want is some Taiwanese animation for this story. Who do I need to write to make that happen?
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