I’m going to miss the World Cup when it’s over.

In this video we’re going to change from our normal random acts horrific violence to watch this kid named Daniel Pelletier skateboard. Generally the skateboard videos we show are only impressive because of someone wiping out in spectacular fashion, well this one is a bit different. Pelletier is paralyzed from the waist down and he still shreds. Internet, meet your newest sensation.

H/T to EJ Hayes

Researchers note that domestic violence rates in Wisconsin always rise after a Green Bay Packers loss. Of course, the World Cup has to do everything bigger and better. You try to watch the World Cup over a religious program? That’s a killin’. Cry over the US-Ghana match while people are trying to watch. That’s unpatriotic. Oh that’s a killin’ too.

Hector Castro of McAllen, TX will be (or already has been) charged with murder in the death of his 2 year old stepdaughter. The reason? She wouldn’t stop crying during the US-Ghana game. I was yelling during the match but that’s going a bit too far. The details of the crime are brutal to say the least.

Police Chief Victor Rodriguez says Castro told investigators that the toddler wouldn’t stop crying while he was trying to watch the U.S.-Ghana matchup on Saturday.

Rodriguez says the child was severely beaten and suffered several broken ribs. Police said a screw or bolt was forced down her throat in an apparent attempt to make it look like she chocked to death.

Congratulations, America. You know soccer has made it here when we start killing each other over it.

A special shout-out to Landon Donovan for helping make the game what it is today by knocking up a groupie. Well played!

Enjoy Portugal-Spain today and remember to shut up while I’m watching the game. I’m not sayin’. I’m just sayin’.

In an effort to take over from parents the role of primary indoctrinator into children’s minds, the NFL is going to be developing a cartoon series for the Nickelodeon Network.  Its not just any cartoon either, its going to just be a series of 2 to 5 minute clips telling a story that leads up to an hour long movie before the Super Bowl. You can already tell that the league wants this show to be like kiddie crack can’t you?  The NFL is bent on getting their game into the minds of kids. One big gigantic marketing ploy disguised as a tv show.

And what is the show is actually about?  Here’s what, via FoxSports:

“Rush Zone: Guardians of the Core” is based on the league’s website for kids. Among the stars set to do voiceovers as themselves are New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning and New Orleans Saints coach Sean Payton.

The show is about a 10-year-old boy whose superpowers include the skills of an NFL player. He must protect valuable supernatural objects hidden in the league’s stadiums.

The skills of an NFL player? Is that going to be of the laser rocket arm variety like Peyton Manning or the ability to kill someone and get away with it like Donte Stallworth? Is it more like the blinding speed of DeSean Jackson or the chemically created super strength (just like Captain America!) that players like Brian Cushing have obtained?

Should be exciting. Can’t wait to see what happens to this poor 10 year old boy, maybe he’ll have some debilitating life long physical injuries by the time he’s 30!

Say what you will about Frank Lampard’s disallowed goal but England were shit and deservedly beaten like rented mules. The back four was a disaster when they could be found for starters. Let’s not talk about the disappearance of Wayne Rooney and Steven Gerrard as well as the inexplicable sidelining of Joe Cole.

There are many other reasons for England’s failure such as a lack of younger players to rejuvenate the squad. The intense pressure from the media and public to win puts the team in an no-win situation. It’s easy to see the fear on their faces before matches. Any rational person knows England have no chance of winning the World Cup yet the papers and supporters talk about it as though it’s a done deal every time an international competition comes around.

Much of the blame will be placed on Fabio Capello for his selections, tactics and inability to motivate the players to fight. The stupid thing is that he can’t be fired because he signed an extension before the World Cup and the FA can’t afford to fire him. Typical. Whatever can be said about him, no one can’t say that he didn’t care. Don’t believe us? Let’s go to the tape.

Sven may have had a better track record and laid more pipe in secretaries than an oil company but he was killed by the press and viewing public for not looking like he cared. Somehow we’re pretty sure Capello won’t have that problem.

I looked up this morning and realized we’re almost done with June.  It feels just like yesterday I was making fun of Joe West and lamenting having to work on a holiday weekend.  Now, we’re a few days away from July 4^th, the summer’s mid-point.  I’ve been told this is what happens when you get older and have a real job.

I guess I’m ok with no longer having summers off, but part of me would like one more college summer.  College summers are basically the same as regular college, but instead of class, you get a “Joe Job” where you work just enough hours to financially support yourself.  Then, you get to hang out with your buddies the rest of the time going to baseball games, playing entire seasons of Madden in two days, taking road trips to places like Jamaica Plains, Massachusetts, and going out during the week.  The other cool thing about college summers is that because so few people actually stay at school, those who chose to stay behind form this weird social bond where everyone bands together and hangs out.  By summer’s end, you’ve meet all these cool people you had no idea existed.  Of course, the social order is restored when school resumes, and the gorgeous girl that lived across the street forgets you existed, but whatever.  College summers were great.   

Nevertheless, the summer of 2010 is running full throttle from soccer games to Armando Benitez comebacks.   I guess you can’t really fight it: just let go and enjoy the ride.  Regardless, take some time to read between the headlines:

• Jay-Z and Eminem added a second Yankee Stadium concert to their upcoming tour.

Meanwhile, the Pittsburgh Pirates have announced that the Limp Bizkit Reunion Tour will be making a stop at PNC Park.

• Portland Trail Blazers General Manager Kevin Pritchett was fired hours before last night’s NBA Draft.

Hey Paul Allen, Pat Riley called, he wants his move back.  What I don’t understand is that Pritchett asked to stay and work the draft after he was let go.  That’s so sad.  “Hey, look, I know you think I suck, but can I just stay here for a few more minutes and work for you?  Please?”  And if I’m the Blazers, can I trust him not to draft the next Ruben Patterson?  I hope this means the Jail Blazers are coming back because their wanton disregard for coach and community was truly something to behold.  What’s Latrell Sprewell up to these days?

• Former Pro Bowl Quarterback Mark Brunell is filing for bankruptcy.

The story says Brunell made an estimated $52M in his career.  That’s a lot of dough to blow through.  How do we think he did it?  Messy divorce?  Drug or alcohol addiction?  Fancy cars?

The[bankruptcy was the] apparent result of a string of failed real-estate investments.

This is the worst pro-athlete bankruptcy filing ever!  Gimme a gaggle of mistresses, a five gram-a-day coke habit… something!  At least Mike Tyson enjoyed wasting his money.

• The Wizards selected John Wall with the first pick in the NBA draft.

I don’t think John Wall is anything like Kwame Brown, so the Wizards are probably pretty safe there.  However, they couldn’t help themselves and had to do their best to draft undersized power forwards and make a stupid and expensive trade.  So make of it what you will.  Some franchises are unlucky, and others are just stupid.  Despite new ownership, the Wizards still fall under the latter.

• After firing their manager earlier in the week, the Florida Marlins are targeting Bobby Valentine as a replacement.

I have a lot to say here, but instead of ranting about it, I’m going to use a haiku.  They’re more graceful, poignant, and most importantly, easier to read:

Marlins owner sucks

More of a douche than Big Stein

Sucks to be O’s fan

Fin.

• Chicago Fire defender Krzysztof Krol is marrying a Playboy model he stalked on Facebook.

I hope all the ladies out there reading the Deuce take this gal’s lead: if you want us to stalk you, please put your phone number up so we can call you.  Makes the stalking a lot easier…  And this has been your “Being a Pro Athlete Totally Rules” update. 

• League malcontent Rasheed Wallace is reportedly retiring. 

Speaking of the Jail Blazers, Rasheed was one of the original ones.  Let’s see him out with a quote from one of my favorite ‘Sheed stories:

In one of their final touching moments together as Jail Blazers, [Rasheed] Wallace and [Bonzi] Wells were at practice when Wallace suddenly reared back and chucked a basketball at teammate Ruben Boumtje Boumtje, who was shooting jump shots with his back to them. According to The Oregonian the ball struck Boumtje Boumtje so hard he fell to the floor and lay writhing before eventually walking off. By then Wallace and Wells had run away, giggling like schoolgirls.

That’s such a dick move, but damn, it’s funny.  Good night, sweet prince!

Ok, that’s it for me.  Everybody have a great weekend, if you need me, Lindsay and I will be planning our birthday parties.

It’s probably pretty clear that I don’t know too much about soccer.  It’s a sport that’s taken me awhile to enjoy.  From 1994 through 2002, I didn’t have much time for the World Cup – as in, I derided the sport every chance I could.  In 2006, I started to come around: I had a roommate who was a huge fan and we ended up watching some of the U.S. games as well as a large part of the head buttingly-good finale.  This year, I’ve become more than just a casual observer: I actually follow the results of many of the games and make an effort to learn something about the players.  I thought Landon Donovan’s goal on Wednesday was pretty amazing.  Clint Dempsey seems like a pretty cool dude.  I still wouldn’t call myself a fan, but I figure if I keep dipping my foot in the World Cup water, maybe I’ll actually cheer when a game comes on.

Well, not if pieces of drek like this keep popping up.  Bandwagon jumpers kind of piss me off.  Sappy sports articles written by Danielle Steel LeBatard kind of piss me off.  Combine those two things and you get an angry Duke.  Let’s rip this joint:

Did you see that? Did you call your friends? Did you hug strangers? Did you share?

No, I didn’t.  Eleven o’clock in the morning on a Wednesday is during business hours, so I was at work.  However, judging by the number of people who incessantly posted Facebook and Twitter updates, apparently, no one else was.  And who hugged a stranger, really?  What was this, V-Day?

There is nothing better in sports than patriotism. 

I disagree, winning is pretty awesome.  I look at my favorite teams and don’t really care what nationality they represent, I’m just happy when they win.  Isn’t America a melting pot anyway?  And I’m pretty sure if the Boston Red Sox played the Algerian Baseball Team, there’d be plenty of people pulling for Algeria. 

But hope is pretty close.

Nope, still think winning is way better.  I’ve been “hoping” for Jessica Simpson to stop by my apartment and take me back to Los Angeles with her, but I don’t think hope is gonna make that happen. 

And winning, too.

Ahh, there it is.  Although it does feel like you kind of shoe-horned it in there…

Over here, bars and offices erupted with joyous noise, and grown men wept.

I was in an office, it didn’t erupt.  People erupt in bars all the time, usually when ”Don’t Stop Believin’” comes on.  Grown men usually don’t cry, unless something really awful or great happens.  I’m not sure a sporting event qualifies as either.  And if you’re the type of person who is apt to cry at a televised sporting event on a Wednesday morning thousands of miles away, you have issues.  For instance, why aren’t you at work?

Most of life is not lived in this arena, of course. Most of life is bills and responsibilities and bosses and oil spills, and we need vacations from all that. But games, in moments like this one, allow us to exist and emote on a different and higher plane, living vicariously through that team’s bond, which can grow so large that it allows us to wrap even something as big as our entire country in something as small as a single flag.

It is why America spends so much money and invests so much more emotion on sports — to escape, to vacation from life in this magical paradise. How often does anything outside of sports make you scream at a television or dance around your couch or jump up and down? Think about that for a second. You scream if you win the lottery or dance when your children are born. But you do it all the time in sports, from quarter to quarter, game to game, season to season, with something that isn’t even really yours. Donovan won the lottery Wednesday, not us. Donovan’s teammates are his joyous family, not us. But that’s the beauty of sports in moments like this: It can make all things feel so much larger, turning “us” into “U.S.”

I forgot to mention at the top that it’s better to read this with “Born in the USA” playing in the background.  And while you’re at it, try to put on the opening scene from “Saving Private Ryan,” too.  Dammit, gettin’ a little dusty in here!

This tournament was about to be a disaster for American soccer (not just this team but this movement), and its endless quest to lure the ADHD sports fan who wants more florescent scoring.

A “disaster?”  Yeah, the U.S. team didn’t score a goal, but they didn’t lose a match (soccer lingo!), either.  Plus, they managed a draw (whoa, two in one paragraph!) with one of the best teams in the tournament.  I’m not a huge fan of the game, but this seems like a pretty good stepping stone to me…

After so much boredom and 0-0, against the odds and the refs and the other countries, keeper Tim Howard threw the ball from his own box, and the panicked and desperate American team blurred down the field, and the game was broken open like a heart loving for the first time.

When the epitaph for newspaper sports writing is written, this sentence will be a part of it.  I don’t know what’s worse: the diabetic coma-inducing description, the “eruption” of commas, or the crappy sentence structure. 

From one second to the other, we went from being eliminated from the world’s largest tournament to being one of only 16 countries promised more life just like this.

I’m learning to like soccer.  I have a lot of respect for its players, organizations and its fans.  But it’s people like LeBatard who make me not want to like it.  You have no idea what you’re talking about and neither do I.  So let’s do each other a favor, keep our mouths shut and let the real pros handle this thing.

Even the good people of Funny of Die are excited about the World Cup. Why shouldn’t they be, with USA beating Algeria and advancing to the 2nd round where they face Ghana on Saturday, everyone should be excited. If you missed the lone goal of the game, watch it here while its still up. So, in honor of the World Cup and in support of the 1Goal foundation, check out the latest in the High-Five series, World Cup style. Look closely and you might see Landon Donovan and Tim Howard in there.

Let’s face it: Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) is no longer a niche sport.  Head to any sports bar on a fight night and you’ll see hordes of men and women crowded around televisions watching tatted-up behemoths grapple with each other.  The combat is brutal, just like UFC founder Dana White.  Through a series of shrewd business moves and a ruthless marketing campaign, he’s methodically crushing the remnants of boxing. 

Back by popular demand, we asked guest writer and MMA die-hard Turd Ferguson (seriously, what is up with poop-related things and this website?) to give us his expert summation of Saturday’s “The Ultimate Fighter” finale.  His recap is below:  Read the rest of this entry

In a few days or weeks a court of law is going to determine if cheerleading should be considered a sport. In this case it is whether it fits under the context  of Title IX and the federally defined standards for sport.  Regardless, the outcome of this case is going to be interesting because it will finally end any speculation as to what cheerleading is as an undertaking.

I only hope this leads to other cases determining what officially is or is not a sport. I mean, take golf for instance. Certainly we need a ruling on this. Sure it is a game that requires a lot of skill, but being an athlete is certainly not a requirement. Any sport where a 50-60 year old man can compete or beat a 20-30 year old man in my book cannot be a sport. In my mind, its an activity, its a game, its even a game of skill, but sport, not so much.

If golf is a sport then bowling should be a sport…which, in my book, it isn’t either but I will leave it up to a court of law to decide. My argument against bowling (and golf for that matter) is that if you can smoke and drink and actually have that IMPROVE your performance, then whatever you’re doing really cannot be called a sport.

Also, we need a determination as to whether auto racing is a sport. Granted it takes a great deal of strength and endurance and you cannot smoke or drink while driving…but, in the end, you’re driving. You are driving a really really fast car and banking on some turns. You are in control of the vehicle, you steer it, but you aren’t the engine making it run. Horse racing is considered a sport for the horses only, no jockey has ever been considered an athlete, why should an automobile driver. Is it not essentially the same thing?

If, in the end, a court disagrees with me an allows all these activities as sports, then my God, won’t the flood gates open? Darts will soon no longer be part of the parlor game family and instead will want to be recognized as a true sport. Even poker will want in on the action.

Lines must be drawn somewhere. Let’s see how this ruling plays out first.