Archive for April, 2010

Reading Between the Headlines

Friday, April 30th, 2010 at 12:09 pm  
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Was there a major upset in hockey this week?  I must’ve missed it.
 
Ok, I’ll take the hit, let’s have it.  The Capitals lost and my inspired prediction for this year’s Stanley Cup Playoff is already busted.  But as Smooth Jimmy Apollo once said, “When you’re right 52% of the time, you’re wrong 48% of the time.” 
 
Watching the Capitals the last three games of their series with Montreal was incredibly painful for any DC hockey fan.  Instead of the wide-open, rush-the-goalie style they’ve employed all year, they were completely unaggressive, playing not to lose.  Thirty-three times in this series the Caps had a power play opportunity and failed to convert on all of them but one.  Their three goals in Games 5-7 were the lowest three-game output they’ve had all year (previous low: 6 [!]).  And as a final kick to the nether regions, this is the second year in a row the team has lost a Game 7 at home.  Not good.
 
So where do they go from here?  Well, the core of the team should be back next year and with a farm team that has dominated its league the last two seasons, there should be more help on the way.  It’s not much solace, but it’s something… Until then, let’s move on to some headlines:
So now a reformed drug addict with Elvis Presley-like tendencies (not the “Blue Hawaii” good kind) is calling Ben out?  Man, that is rough.  Luckily for Ben, it’s not 2003 anymore, so it’s unlikely anyone will actually listen to the song.
The stadium will now include unprotected upper decks so fans can throw themselves off them when the team loses… Or when the line at Boog’s gets too long.
  • Miami Dolphins General Manager Jeff Ireland was criticized for asking draft prospect Dez Bryant if his mother was a prostitute.
How Jeff Ireland is still breathing on this earth is a mystery to me.  Part of me wonders if Jeff’s just a little lonely.
Hmmm.  I wonder if it had anything to do with this story.  One hundred twenty mistresses is a pretty respectable number, Eldrick.  In fact, I’d wager that number is higher than Tiger Woods Fanboys Jim Nantz, Scott Van Pelt and Verne Lundquist, combined.  Here’s why I think this story is crap: Elin wants a divorce because Tiger bumped uglies with the next door neighbor.  Right.  Your husband is sleeping with strippers and porn stars but you’re more upset about the neighborhood girl?  Come on.  Six months ago, if you told me I could be anyone in the world at that moment, Tiger Woods would have easily been in my Top Ten.  Now?  Damn, I’d almost rather be Big Ben.  Almost.
Adding to the Rays good fortune, Patriots coach Bill Belichick sent Rays manager Joe Maddon a personalized hoodie.  I guess it’s only a matter of time until we find out Maddon has cameras placed in centerfield to steal signs.  Not to be outdone, Washington Redskins coach Mike Shanahan sent Yankee manager Joe Girardi self-tanner.
  • LeBron James has reportedly won his second straight Most Valuable Player award.
Congrats to Bron-Bron.  However, with this award comes the ominous news that LeBron’s elbow is mysteriously injured.  It’s pretty clear what’s going on here.  Know what happens when you play too many video games?  You hurt your elbow.  Through the magic of the Internet, I found LeBron playing online not too long ago.
 
That’s it for this week.  No more predictions for 2010.  At least until football season starts. 

“Hustle Hard, Stack Paper, It’s Alright, Y’all Haters”

Thursday, April 29th, 2010 at 10:41 am  
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Close your eyes.  Think about the most obnoxious person you’ve ever met.  Think of the most insufferable blowhard in your office.  Now picture them at a sporting event.  Who’s colors are they wearing?  I’m willing that the majority of you are picturing this:

Steve Urkel has gotten really old.

Well, not so fast my friend.  According to the Wall Street Journal, he or she is wearing a moderately offensive Chief Wahoo hat and a Lebron jersey. 
 
The Nielsen Company has created a rating system for baseball’s “Most Hated Teams.”  Let’s ignore the fact that measuring hatred on the Internet is kind of like measuring insanity at a Tea Party Rally: it’s a number so large it can’t be calculated.  Taking that into account, here’s the description of the algorithm used: 
This service typically uses various keywords to find out whether people have positive, negative or neutral reactions to different brands and products.
That’s a little vague for my tastes — this “sentiment scale” sounds suspect to me.  Especially when looking at the ten “Most-Hated Teams” on their scale (“Hate Score” in parenthesis, 0-5, “0″ being “most hated”):
 
1. Cleveland Indians (0.9): Wow.  How the hell can people hate Cleveland?  They haven’t won anything in like 60 years, the city is in an economic crisis, and they have become a basketball town.  They traded Cy Young award winners in back-to-back seasons due to money problems.  This makes no sense.  This is like hating the Washington Generals.
 
2. Boston Red Sox (1.1): Ok, this is somewhat understandable.  Bandwagon fans, bombastic sportswriters (seriously, pick any of them), and Curt Schilling. 
 
3. Cincinnati Reds (1.5): Again, no sense.  There must be some massive “Hate Belt” in the Midwest.  The Reds last won a World Series in 1990.  Aside from a few seasons, they’ve been terrible ever since then.  One theory: my Dad once met Johnny Bench and said he was kind of a jerk.  Joe Morgan thinks Billy Beane wrote “Moneyball.”  Pete Rose, well, he’s Pete Rose.  Maybe the Big Red Machine was really a bunch of jerkasses and that’s why everyone despises them.
 
4. Houston Astros (1.8): I got nothing.  Perhaps this is backlash from the Bush Presidency in that people now hate everything from Texas.  I used to like the Astros until I dated a girl who decided to continue seeing her ex-boyfriend while we were dating.  He was an Astros fan.  Screw them.  
 
5. New York Yankees (1.8): Way too low on this list.  See the picture above.  See A-Rod.  See Keith Olberman.  See this guy:

Do you get championship rings for successful completion of court-ordered programs?

6. Washington Nationals (1.9): Since the Nats moved to DC, they’ve averaged 69 wins a year.  They haven’t won more than 59 games since 2007.  They are the definition of terrible.  Their franchise is unhateable.  Sure, Jim Bowden was worthless, but he’s gone.  I don’t see the Pirates on this list and they are just as bad, if not worse.  Maybe Expos fans are still heated about losing their team, but they’re Canadian: isn’t hating illegal there?
 
7. Chicago White Sox (2): I used to dislike Ozzie Guillen and Kenny Williams but they’ve grown on me.  They’re also Obama’s team, so this isn’t too much of a stretch, given aforementioned Tea Partiers.  A.J. Pierzynski is also a tough guy to love. 
 
8. Baltimore Orioles (2): The Orioles haven’t won more than 78 games this century.  Even the freakin’ “Natinals” have managed to do that.  Their stadium set forth an architectural revolution that made new stadiums fan-friendly and convenient.  Cal Ripken saved baseball.  Their owner has single-handily kept them from winning games since 1997.  It’s the city that inspired “The Wire.”  Should I keep going? 
 
9. New York Mets (2.3): Finally, we’re starting to see some logic.  The Mets consistently make poor financial and player personnel decisions.  Their new stadium is beautiful but it looks like a tribute to the Brooklyn Dodgers.  Their fans want to trade their best players after they have an 0 for 5 game.  Their payroll is ridiculously high and they still stink.
 
10. Los Angeles Dodgers (2.4): Beautiful weather, women, and beaches.  If you’ve ever spent any time there, you understand.  With all of that, why would you show up on time for a game?  They also have Manny in left field and a history of other easily-hateable players: Steve Garvey, Kevin Brown, Darryl Strawberry, Gary Sheffield, J.D. Drew, etc.  Vin Scully automatically keeps them out of the Top 5. 
 
So there you have it.  This list, much like the NHL Playoffs, is nonsensical.  What do you expect from a ratings service that somehow ranks “The Mentalist” as the most-watched non-reality show on television?

Nigeria Knows How To Ram It

Wednesday, April 28th, 2010 at 9:28 am  
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Leave it to Nigeria to take the sexual connotations out of the phrase “ramming speed”. First they want my bank account number and now this. Oh wait, they replaced “ramming speed” with the Ram Lovers Association of Nigeria. Never mind.

The 13th Annual Ram Fighting Championships were recently held in Lagos. The sport is one that gambling degenerates and PETA can get behind.

Ram fighting—which is also popular in Indonesia, China and Algeria—isn’t nearly as violent as dog and cock fighting. Little blood is spilled, and the rams don’t duel to the death. Fights are usually limited to 50 blows before they are called off, though in the finals the limit is lifted.

Rams butt heads in the wild so it’s only fair that people be able to bet on the fights. Don’t be surprised when the 14th Annual Ram Fighting Championships show up on Versus or Universal Sports. Maybe they’ll help Dick Ebersol break even after blowing all that money on the Olympics.

The winning goat Gobe got his owner, Lalekun Bayewu, a fridge and a gin and soda shower. One can only assume he was laid back with his mind on his fridge and his fridge on his mind.

Gobe beat a ram named Obama last year? Don’t let the Tea Party hear about him. He could become their new mascot.

Cibona Disgrace The Memory of Drazen Petrovic In Hilarious Fashion

Wednesday, April 28th, 2010 at 9:07 am  
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Former New Jersey Net Drazen Petrovic must be rolling over in his grave after Croatian team Cibona Zagreb lost the NLB Championship game to KK Partizan from Serbia. Balkan wars have been started over less.

Cibona thought they won the championship after hitting a go-ahead basket with .6 seconds left on the clock. They began celebrating on the court and that’s when the hilarity ensued. Anyone who has watched the NCAA Tournament knows .6 is enough time to get the inbound pass and immediately release a shot. Guess what happened.

It’s funny because it’s true.

Finding a Diamond in the Football Rough

Tuesday, April 27th, 2010 at 9:13 pm  
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After all of the 255 names were called at the NFL draft last week, there were many players who would have loved to be Mr. Irrelevant.   There are many players who would have appreciated sitting sitting in the green room looking awkward and embarrassed while waiting for their name to be called.  Because, better late than never, right?  Think about it.  They get together with their families, friends, or whoever.  They might even have a party.  Then, they slide further then where they thought they’d be.  So they wait.  And then the team they thought would take them passes to take a better player that was still on the board for the simple reason that some GM, or owner, was smoking some crack.   So they keep waiting.  And then they wait some more.  This year, the torture waiting stretched over three days. 

But, for many teams, and for many players, the draft is just the beginning of the search to figure out who will be a part of the following season’s roster.  Before the draft ends, before the ink is dry on the contracts, before a single bite of a porterhouse steak is eaten, every NFL team is looking on their draft board to see which players were still waiting to celebrate.  Then, the mad dash to sign the undrafted guys begins.  For some players, all they can hope for is a try-out.  For others, the draft may not even be over when they are celebrating the relief that came in the form of a phone call from a team wanting to sign them if they remain undrafted.  Some teams have even given try-outs to guys who never played football.  Antonio Gates played basketball for Kent State and Vince Papale was a 30 year old high school teacher and bartender before he was Invincible.  This year, the Patriots are giving a try-out to a wrestler, John Wise, since it worked out for Belichik with Stephen Neal. 

For some players, remaining undrafted is a blessing in disguise.  They often get the same $25,000 signing bonus as the players drafted at the end of the 7th round.  But, there is an added addition.  They may be able to choose where they land.  When there are multiple teams calling with offers, they get to choose where they end up.  So, if they are a safety and one of the two team’s are deep at the safety position they can choose to go to the other team.  I am sure last year Matt Stafford might have thought twice about heading to Detroit.  Remember that game where his dead was hanging at his side and they STILL left him in the game?  Yeah, I think he would have preferred a choice, don’t you?

Undrafted free agents are also the keys to success for many teams .  For one, they’re cheap.  Many teams sign contracts worth $30, $40, or even $50 million for their first round pick.  With all those eggs in that one basket, many teams want to try and get more bang for their buck.  Second, they have something to prove.  After the draft, these players dreams are riding on luck, heart, and hard work.  Third, behind every draft, is a list of players who never amount to much and another list of undrafted free agents who end up making the pro bowl, or many pro bowls, during their career.  Let’s be honest, even the teams who have successful drafts year after year miss every now and then.  Undrafted free agents have to compete for a starting spot just like everyone else.  So, there are many who become success stories.  Just imagine a coach’s satisfaction after his dollar bin find turns into a game day contributor, nevermind a pro bowler.  

The list of undrafted free agents who have had successful careers is a long one.  But here’s a list of a few who made the pro bowl in the past few seasons. 

  • Tony Romo (Please note, this is the only time, I repeat, ONLY TIME, I will say anything remotely positive about Romo.)
  • Wes Welker
  • Kurt Warner
  • Miles Austin
  • Antonio Gates
  • Willie Parker
  • Antonio Pierce
  • Adam Vinatieri
  • Shaun O’hara

Isn't the resemblance uncanny?

That being said, there are some teams who are more successful at picking up undrafted free agents than others. As much as I dislike Mr. Burns, I mean Bill Belichik, he has a proven record of success, shocker, when it comes to signing undrafted free agents.  The league average is 13 per team.  The patriots had 18 on their roster last year.  And, so far, they signed another six this year.   But this year’s leader going into rookie minicamp are the New York Giants.   The Giants have signed 12 undrafted free agents and have another 25 undrafted players stopping by the stadium for a try-out. 

So, the draft is over but the work has just begun.  And the next time you are talking with your friends about how much money some team wasted in the 2010 NFL draft on some garbage first round pick, be the person who mentions the steal from the bottom of the abyss only to be rescued by some team who took a chance.