Archive for March, 2010

Or what? You’ll release the sharks? Or the robbers? Or the sharks with robbers in their mouths and when they open their mouths they shoot robbers at you? This could happen to you if you’re not careful in South Africa.

There have been numerous warnings about crime in South Africa in advance of the World Cup which are frankly overblown. However the latest news regarding DANGER! in the host country has caused me to reconsider my trip there this summer.  Reports have emerged that security will be stepped up along the South African coastline during the tournament due to Great Whites targeting foreign tourists. That would be sharks not Boers or the band.

Today Sharks Board spokesman Harry Mbambo said teams of trained spotters would patrol the waters near beaches throughout the World Cup to alert fans to the killer beasts.

He said: “There is often a lot of shark activity around South Africa and we were concerned for the safety of foreign football fans who come here for the World Cup.

“We have taken extraordinary action to increase our shark security and to ensure that bathers are kept safe from harm.”

How the hell can Great Whites differentiate foreign tourists from locals? Do they have a Tourists of the World guidebook? Did they combine forces with the Boers and get human intel in order to maximize havoc in June?

“Ok, we’ll take the water. You take the land. We’ll split everything down the middle after P.W. Botha and Jaws get their cuts.”

There ain’t no diplomatic immunity in South Africa this summer.

Since we referenced the band, here you go:

Where else can you get Blazhay Blazhay and Great White in the same post?

Where’s Your Messiah Now, Tebow?

“You just took the Wonderlic test, Tim Tebow! What are you going to do now?”

“I’m going to shut the fuck up!”

It’s bad enough that second rate quarterbacks like Chad Henne are calling Tebow out for not being a NFL QB. Now fellow NFL draft hopefuls are piling on by calling out his Ned Flanders act.

Pro Football Talk reports that Tebow requested a prayer before he and other players took the Wonderlic test. That worked as well as his plan to avoid the Kentucky pass rush.

Per a league source, after the person administering the test to Tebow’s group had finished, Tebow made a request that the players bow their heads in prayer before taking the 50-question exam.

Said one of the other players in response: “Shut the f–k up.” Others players in the room then laughed.

In the words of the late ODB, “That means ho, you been shitted on.” Welcome to the NFL.

Maybe it’s best that Tebow doesn’t show up for the draft. He might be the only one to get a worse reception that Ronaldo Blackman Renaldo Balkman.

George Costanza was Right

In this episode of Seinfeld, George, finding himself obsessed with  Elaine, attempts to order baldness cream from the “Hair Restoration Clinic” in Beijing.  Because they don’t speak english, George spends several tortuous minutes over the phone attempting to purchase the cream.  At which point Jerry asks, “Why are you doing this?”  George responds, “Why do I do anything?  Tsss…For women.”

And thus, Erin Andrews is one reason why millions of men will get out of bed everyday just to fight the good fight at work, school, or whereever.  Happy to see her back out there and enjoying herself.

Geriatrics in Baseball Pants: Not a Good Look

Let me take a quick moment to describe my feelings toward Joe Torre.  A few years ago, my girlfriend and I went to a planetarium exhibit that was narrated by Robert Redford.  As Redford was narrating the potential of an apocalyptic meteor that would ravage our solar system, my girlfriend turned whiter than David Eckstein.  I, on the other hand, felt surprisingly calm.  Even as Redford was describing the end of humanity, I was unfazed.  Anyway, as we walked out of the planetarium, I turned to my then-girlfriend and asked that if I was ever to be told terrible news, I wanted her to promise me that she would either get Redford, Morgan Freeman, or Joe Torre to deliver the literal death blow.  In between stifled laughs, she asked, “Why?”  

Well, Redford and Freeman for obvious reasons: their gravitas, combined with soothing voices, could almost make diagnosis of a terminal illness palatable.  Torre fit into that group simply because he embodied everything great about the thing I loved most: baseball.  Regardless of whether most people either love or hate the Yankees, they probably have pretty good feelings about Joe.  As the only manager to ever conquer George Steinbrenner and cancer, he did so while winning four World  Series championships.  In addition, he’s also a pretty great guy.  To me, that makes Joe pretty damn awesome.

Now with my bias out of the way, Torre recently disclosed he is leaning toward coming back to manage the Dodgers for one more season in 2011 at age 70.  With a young core of players just entering their prime, Torre would like one more shot at a World Series if they fall short in 2010.  As much as I hate myself for admitting this: I’m almost certain it won’t happen – he’s too old.    

Ok, so I’m not entirely sure that’s the case.  After all, while John McGraw won his last World Series title at age 49 (ten seasons before retirement), Casey Stengel won his last Series as a 67 year-old in 1958.  Nonetheless, let’s take a look at the ages of Series-winning managers since the modern Wild-Card era began in 1995 (age in parenthesis):

2009: J. Girardi (44)

2008: C. Manuel (64)

2007: T. Francona (48)

2006: T. LaRussa (61)

2005: O. Guillen (41)

2004: T. Francona (45)

2003: J. McKeon (72)

2002: M. Scioscia (43)

2001: B. Brenly (47)

2000: J. Torre (59)

1999: J. Torre (58)

1998: J. Torre (57)

1997: J. Leyland (52)

1996: J. Torre (55)

1995: B. Cox (54)

Other than the fact that it really helps if your first name starts with a “J,” since 1995, the average age of a World Series-winning manager has been 53.3 years.  If we take out the outliers, McKeon at age 72 and Guillen at age 41, the average lowers to 52.8.  If we remove Torre’s repeat titles (’99-’00), we get 52.5. 

"Trader" Jack McKeon took over a losing team in May 2003 and turned them into World Series Champions. Two years later, he was gone.

Let’s look at the older outlier: McKeon.  McKeon’s championship story is an interesting one – the Marlins started the 2003 season 16-22 before they fired Jeff Torborg in May.  The common assumption is that McKeon took a team with a ridiculously-young pitching staff (the oldest was barely-used reliever Armando Almanza at 30) and a bunch of twenty-somethings and defeated Torre’s Yankees in six games.  Not so fast: guiding his pitching staff was Hall of Fame catcher Ivan Rodriguez who at age 31 was by no means a rookie (he was a regular by age 20).  And while none of his other regulars were past age 30 (five were between 27-30), his entire bench was full of guys in their 30’s.  Add in the grueling ALCS that year, a Mark Prior breakdown (thanks to Dusty Baker) and a little Steve Bartman in Game 6 of the NLCS… And maybe “Trader” Jack isn’t so lucky.

Alright, enough of my feeble attempt to emulate the great Joe Posnanski – what’s my point?  Well, given teams’ increased reliance on market inefficiencies, organizations continue to find themselves using younger (and cheaper) players to enjoy greater rates of return.  The sport’s slow decline in free agent spending hasn’t helped increase the number of job opportunities for the sport’s veterans, either.

So, what do we get – the assumption that younger managers relate more closely with younger players?  Perhaps culturally, but also because maybe they are closer to their bus-riding days in the minors as opposed to 81 road nights at the Four Seasons.  Or conceivably, some of these guys were actually playing in the show just a few years before.  Going back to McKeon, he eventually resigned two seasons after his World Series triumph because of his “gruff demeanor” in failing to relate to his players.

Fans of Joe have probably seen this for the last time.

And then there is always the tried and true “game has passed him by” argument.  At the end of Torre’s tenure with the Yankees, it had become quite apparent he relied too heavily on certain veteran relievers, much to their detriment and ultimate demise.  In LA, similar accusations have followed.

While the current Dodgers lineup is stocked with a few veterans, the core of this group is still relatively young, especially the pitching staff.  Factoring in Torre’s recent pitching management mishaps, and we have a major red-flag for the 2010 and 2011 Dodgers.

For Torre’s sake, I hope I’m wrong.  I’d love to see him take a shot at redemption, especially against the Yankees.  Unfortunately, I don’t think the numbers are in his favor.  Maybe 2011 will be a bridge year for the organization as they try to transition ownership out of a messy divorce and into new leadership.  New leadership that will probably include a new manager: current Dodger hitting coach Don Mattingly.  By then, he’ll only be 50.

No. Baseball isn’t the answer. It’s great if you can sneak out of work for Opening Day or an early day series but nothing really matters until August or September. Baseball fills time until NFL training camps open and college football begins. I promise my apathy has nothing to do with the fact that the Orioles have been epic losers since 1998. The “Natinals” will make the World Series before the O’s at this rate.

I’ve decided to take up the game of Kok-boru or Buzkashi until training camp. We’ll stick with Buzkashi from now on. I don’t want to be involved in anything that involves playing games of chance with my kok.

Buzkashi is considered the polo of Central Asia. It’s also played on horseback however there is a Chinese version played on yaks. There are some slight differences between the two games. There are no sugar mama-pursing South American mantonios or douchebags from Virginia involved in buzkashi. Players tend to lean towards the mujahadeen type. A headless goat carcass is used instead of a ball. The object of the game is to grab the goat while on the horse and get it into an opponent’s goal which is normally a circle. The opposing side tries to grab the goat back and do the same.

You might remember buzkashi from other great films such as Rambo III. We weren’t able to embed the Rambo video because we frankly didn’t want to put forth the effort but you can watch it here. Here’s some embedded buzkashi for your viewing pleasure or disgust.

I’ve almost type bukkake every time I type buzkashi. No clue what that’s about.