A few years ago I was the Sports Editor for my graduate school’s student newspaper. Every spring, I’d write 5,000-word baseball previews that were not only full of premium analysis and expert opinion, but they were also hilarious (to me). I’m pretty sure nobody read them. In actuality, I was fortunate enough to have an Editor-in-Chief who gave me that much space because she either didn’t care or was really a huge baseball fan. I can’t remember which.

Anyway, I think it’s time to bring some of that well-reasoned analysis back. Maybe not in the form of a 5,000-word Magnum Opus, but seeing how Opening Day is almost upon us, it’s time to make some predictions. And really, could my predictions be any worse than John Kruk’s? I think not.

We’ll do the American League today and the National League later in the week.  And since there is no East Coast Bias at the Deuce of Davenport, we’re going left to right, baby (*denotes Wild Card winner):

American League West

1. Los Angeles Angels
2. Texas Rangers
3. Seattle Mariners
4. Oakland Athletics

Best nickname in baseball.

Coming into 2010, you can make an argument for each of these teams to win their respective divisions. Seattle’s big offseason was well-hyped, but I’m not buying it. Beyond Felix El Cartelua and an already-injured Cliff Lee, the rotation is not particularly impressive and neither is the offense. Sure, the defense will be stellar, but you have to score runs at some point. Relying on Milton Bradley to stay on the field and bat cleanup for 140 games is about as likely as a Pink Floyd reunion concert: don’t count on it. The Angels quietly added Hideki Matsui to compliment a nice offense and Joel Pineiro to round-out a rotation that pitched in the ALCS last year. This division is Anaheim’s to lose, with Texas and its young talent coming on strong. Oakland will be a pitching and defensive monster, but offensively, they will suffer the same fate as the M’s.

American League Central

1. Minnesota Twins
2. Chicago White Sox
3. Detroit Tigers
4. Cleveland Indians
5. Kansas City Royals

They say in baseball that the heart of every great baseball team is up the middle. If that’s the case, then the 2010 Twins should be pretty good. Reigning AL MVP Joe Mauer will lead a team that has two very capable veterans at second (Orlando Hudson) and short (JJ Hardy) and an up and coming centerfielder (Denard Span) who had an on base percentage (OBP) of .392 in 2009. If that’s not enough, they’ve got another MVP at first (Justin Morneau) and a guy with 564 career homeruns at DH (Jim Thome). Throw-in a solid rotation with a revamped Francisco Liriano at the backend, and you’ve got a pretty formidable team. Yes, they lost their closer, but their bullpen should be good enough to get them to October. Note to Mr. Kenny Williams: Dodger cast-offs Juan Pierre and Andruw Jones does not represent an offensive upgrade. In Detroit, Dontrelle Willis is competing for a spot in the rotation. I love the D-Train, but I’m sorry, that’s not going to get it done. I wish Cleveland GM Mark Shapiro would put Grady Sizemore out of his misery and trade him. He deserves better. So does reigning Cy Young winner Zach Greinke, for that matter.

American League East

1. New York Yankees
2. Boston Red Sox*
3. Tampa Bay Rays
4. Baltimore Orioles
5. Toronto Blue Jays

This is a division of behemoths, plain and simple. Toronto fought the good fight long enough but decided to finally give in and accept their fate. Baltimore, on the other hand, seems ready to step up and take their shot (or beating, depending on how you look at it). While the O’s are going to struggle to get to .500, this isn’t your typical 4th place team. That’s because the teams in front are three very well-oiled, albeit different, baseball machines.

A literal interpretation of this year's American League East division race.

Short on experience but long on talent, Tampa has the bullets to go after Boston and New York. This 2010 Rays team may be the best yet, but to me, their pitching isn’t quite there. For some reason, the much-ballyhooed Matt Garza hasn’t been able to put it together for an entire season. Wade Davis, Jeff Niemann and David Price show tremendous promise, but the likelihood all three of these young guys are able to pitch consistently well is not great. If they falter, Jeremy Hellickson isn’t too far behind, but he’s even greener.

Setting the trend for pitching first, defense second, and everything else third, the Boston Red Sox will attempt to beat their rivals with an incredible cache of starting pitching talent and superior defense. The offense has potential in the rebirth of Adrian Beltre and David Ortiz as well as a pretty deep bench. But in the AL East, you gotta slug, and the Red Sox will struggle to do that.

New York is perhaps the polar opposite of the Rays and Red Sox: what you see is what you get. A relentless team of professional pitchers and hitters, they will score runs and pitch effectively. Whether or not they can do so for an entire season is the real question. Talent-wise, this team is better than last year’s World Champions, but the Core Four and their colleagues are almost all on the wrong side of 30. If any of those guys miss a significant amount of time, or begin to show their age, the Yankees will struggle.

So there it is in less than 1,000 words. Check back for the NL and playoff predictions later in the week.

Too bad no one has that reaction on Wheel of Fortune. That followed by an Adrian Brody-style kiss of Vanna White would be much stronger than a dopey family on stage jumping around like a bunch of brain-damaged kangaroos.

Watch these horse racing fans react to Imperial Commander’s win in the 2010 Cheltenham Gold Cup.

Fucking brilliant. Lesson? Horse racing inspires more emotion and provides more winnings than answering obscure questions correctly. Learn how to read the Daily Racing Form and stop there unless you’re Ken Jennings or Michael Larson.

Fine. Here’s some Press Your Luck. No whammies!

It’s Passover, so…uh….L’Chaim?  I am not a very good jew. This is evidenced by the fact that I spent the first night of Passover playing bocce ball in a bar with my friends and drinking cider instead of sitting at a sedar drinking kosher wine eating Matzoh ball soup.  But, because it’s Passover, I find myself thinking, why is it that Jews are not so good at sports? Don’t get me wrong, we’re good at being fans.  We can manage some fantasy teams, bet some games, and remain grateful NFL games are on Sundays.  Not to mention, Al Davis has clearly set the bar going forward for professional team ownership but, every time Jewish people playing professional sports gets discussed at any family dinner, and if you’re Jewish or have been to a Jewish family holiday dinner, you know what I’m talking about, inevitably, Sandy Koufax is brought up.  Usually right before or right after someone complains about the Brooklyn Dodgers.  (As an aside, and completely off topic, I am convinced the Brooklyn Dodgers logo, the B, is the reason bitter Brooklyn Dodgers turned Yankees fans, started hating the Red Sox, but not really).  Back to the point though, it’s like Sandy Koufax is the “you can do it” for every Jewish kid who plays a sport from birth until about 16.  That is, of course, because at 16 his or her dad starts to pressure him, or her, to try to get into med school, law school, or become a CPA. 

Oh wait, it’s really because all we have is Sandy Koufax… and a few others that me, my dad, and the other Jews reading this know of.  It seems Jews can make some movies, balance some budgets, and represent players in their contract negotiations but, Jewish people seem to be lacking in the throwing, catching, running, tackling, dunking department.

Before K-State survived, Syracuse was knocked out by Butler. 

Yeah, 75% of the country’s brackets were done last weekend, so we don’t care.  What I really care about is the deification of Gus Johnson.  What happened to this guy?  He’s not that good anymore.  A few years ago, he was solid.  Now, he’s just another screamer.  I found him almost unbearable last night. 

Meanwhile, Billy Raferty explained the origin of “onions.”

I, on the other hand, will never get tired of Billy Raferty.

Joe Mauer signed an 8-year $184M extension with the Minnesota Twins.

Couldn’t be happier for Twins fans; Mauer is a great player (even though his guaranteed $184M is roughly $32M more than what the team contributed to the funding of their new ballpark.  Thanks, Hennepin County!).  I just find it interesting that people are back-slapping the Twins for stepping up to the plate and taking such a big risk.  The recently- deceased owner was reportedly worth $3.6B.  Yeah, that’s a “B” for BILLION.  Excuse me if I’m not as obsequious.

Vicente Padilla, a true gentleman of the game.

Vicente Padilla will be the Opening Day starter for the Dodgers.

Apparently, Dean Wormer was wrong.  Fat, drunk and Plaxico is a great way to go through life.

Gilbert Arenas will be sentenced today.  

I wouldn’t be surprised if Flip Saunders hopes for the chair.

Tim Tebow was cursed at when he suggested a prayer before the Wonderlic test.

Tebow is denying the story and if I were him, I’d deny it too.  The dude scored a 22 out of 50.  Just to give that score some context, 24 is the average for NFL QBs.  Even this guy beat him.  Clearly, Jesus was busy that day.   

Phil Hughes will start the season as the Yankees’ 5^th starter.

Color me shocked.  If you followed the Yankees in spring training even somewhat closely, it was pretty easy to see this wasn’t really a competition.  And since most teams don’t need a 5^th starter until May, once again, I must ask: who cares? 

Tiger Woods will hold a press conference the Monday before the Masters.

Wrestlemania XXVI is this weekend.

Now, there are two unrelated places that could both use Gus Johnson.

This week was kind of a downer, yes, I know.  Treat yourself to Keith Law’s Top 200 Rock Songs of the 1990’s.  In addition to his encyclopedic knowledge of music, I’m fairly certain he’s one of the few people in the world who could make the Kansas City Royals a playoff team.  That’s a rare combination of talent.   Have a great weekend, enjoy the games.

Yesterdaky, Uncle Teddy reached a deal with the estate of Abe Polin on a purchase price for the Verizon Center and the Washington Wizards.  Now, if only the Wizards can stockpile 7 first round picks in the next 3 years or 11 in the next 5 years, get lucky in the lottery with a #1 pick and use that pick to grab one of the greatest players in the game then Uncle Teddy will cement his place in the hearts of all Washingtonians as THE GREATEST OWNER CURRENTLY IN TOWN.

Ted Leonsis appears to be the owner in DC that fans want Dan Snyder and any of the Lerners to become, which I can kinda understand.  He seems to treat people well, doesn’t abuse the fact that he is massively wealthy too much, he actually talks to the fans (a novel concept), he hasn’t raised ticket prices too much (except this season, YIKES what a hike) in his ownership tenure and has even cut them once or twice…but do not forget he wasn’t always this way.  This guy was Dan Snyder Jr. with a violent streak (he did punch a fan once) when he first got the team, buying up aging veterans and constantly trying to compete the wrong way…then he got the sports equivalent of religion and his flock began to gather.

Somewhere after the disastrous 2002-03 playoff appearance, Leonsis discovered the NHL draft and using ancient scrolls that contained the blueprint of the Florida Marlins World Series titles (of all teams!) he sold off every single asset he had for future players and minor leaguers.  People loved getting rid of Jagr in this town, but I can’t say that anyone enjoyed watching the Capitals that 2003 season.  Poor Peter Bondra didn’t deserve to have his tenure here end like that nor should the best player on your team ever be named Robert Lang.

Nevertheless, from 2002-2006 the Washington Capitals had 11 first round picks.  ELEVEN!  Sure the team sucked balls from 2003-2006 but who cares now, right?  Who are those guys they drafted with those picks?  You might have heard of some of them like: Steve Eminger, Alexander Semin, Boyd Gordon, Eric Fehr, Alexander Ovechkin, Jeff Schultz, Mike Green, and Nicklas Backstrom.  Green, Backstrom, Semin and Ovechkin are the top 4 point scorers for the Capitals this season and Fehr isnt far behind at #9.  So with those accumulated picks and players and a whole lot of luck, he’s built a foundation of players that he could control on the cheap for quite awhile and contend for titles…and the fans were happy and decided to fill his church and wear red…lots of red.

That is the good news.

The bad news is, what happened with the Capitals will likely never happen again and especially not to the Washington Wizards.  God only created the Earth once as far as we know.  The NBA is a different game when it comes to team rebuilding, look at the Minnesota Timberwolves and ask them how rebuilding is going…and they traded away Kevin Garnett!  The Wizards have no assets to trade for picks anymore after their gutting this season.  There is no Alexander Ovechkin to come save the Wizards in the draft either, John Wall is not going to elevate this team to another level even if they get the #1 pick.

Just because Leonsis is now the owner, it doesn’t mean that the Wizards are going to suddenly be able to rebuild “the right way”.  There is so much luck in the draft it would be foolish to think the Wizards could duplicate the success of the Capitals even if they tried to follow that blueprint.  They also don’t have a ton of cash to throw around in free agency thanks to the $100 million albatross in Gilbert Arenas they have.  Rebuilding for Leonsis this time is going to be a lot longer than it was with the Capitals.  Its going to hurt…for awhile.

So, while it is nice to know that the Wizards and the Verizon Center are in good hands in that they have an owner that seems like he will spend the money to look after them the right way, I don’t understand the mindset that believes Ted Leonsis will suddenly cure the Wizards of sucking.

They’ve sucked for over 30 years people…they are going to keep sucking.   If you’re a Wizards fan, the team is essentially the girl you love that will break your heart, tease you just enough to lure you back in to give her just ONE MORE CHANCE, only to have your heart broken in a new and spectacularly different way before she lures you in again and starts the cycle anew…on a yearly basis.  As much as people love him…Uncle Teddy ain’t gonna change that anytime soon.

St. John’s basketball program, or what was left of it, is falling apart.  Georgia Tech’s Paul Hewitt reportedly turned down their offer and withdrew himself from consideration.  Quite honestly, St. John’s is going to have trouble filling their coaching position with any decent established coaching talent.  The fall of St. John’s basketball program is right up there for me with the fall of the Knicks.  Remember when St. John’s coach was Fran Fraschilla and the Red Storm actually won games and went to the NCAA tournament?  Unfortunately, I do. 

When I was a kid, St. John’s was my team.  They have the 7th most NCAA tournament appearances in history.  It’s just a shame only one of those appearances was this century and there is a shadow hanging over it.  There has been speculation as to why St. John’s can’t get a coach like Billy Donovan.  Those who though there was a chance of Donovan leaving Florida for St. John’s were smoking some crack.  But, let me assure you, it isn’t because players and coaches don’t want to move to New York.  It also isn’t because coaches don’t like New Yorkers.  Those who speculate such reasons have obviously never visited St. John’s University or lived in New York City.  So, allow me to break it down. 

Contrary to what many across the country believe, St. John’s is not really in New York City anymore.  Okay, technically it is.  But it’s in Jamaica, Queens.  When people think of NYC, they think of brownstones, subways, yellow taxis always available at your disposal, and a City that never sleeps.  They think this because  in Manhattan, and in certain parts of Brooklyn and Queens, there are pedestrians walking the streets at all hours, last call for booze in bars is usually 3 or 4 AM even on a Tuesday, bodegas open on every corner at any hour, and subways running 24/7.  They don’t think of Jamaica, Queens.  To City Dwellers, Queens is suburbia.  There is grass there and actual houses.  The houses even have backyards and pools.  Bars are not lining every street, cabs are impossible to find, nothing is open in the wee hours when college kids are ordering delivery, and if you have to take the subway, you are waiting for lines like the N and the R, which I like to call the Never and the Rarely. 

This wasn’t always the case.  In 1960, St. John’s relocated the main campus from Brooklyn in Bed-Stuy to Queens.  Bed Stuy has its own history, roots, culture, and is located pretty close to Manhattan so, St. John’s had no problem recruiting when it was located there.  And, when the campus was moved to Queens, there were no dorms on the new campus.  NCAA rules allow schools without dorms on campus to provide scholarship atheletes a housing stipend for their “living expenses.”  This rule didn’t allow St. John’s to pay just any housing stipend.  It allowed for a stipend to be paid based on the cost of living where the school was located.  Think about the cost of living in New York City.  If you have ever lived in New York City, or even visited it, you know an apartment the size of a shoebox goes for more than two bedroom duplexes do in most suburban areas.  One player’s housing stipend at St. John’s would probably have been enough to rent an apartment in West Virginia for each of the school’s starting  five.  Or probably like 8,000 hot dogs from street vendors.  The school could pay out the stipend without ever asking how much the athlete’s living expenses actually cost!  This means that players who were able to find housing for less than their stipend were able to pay their rent and pocket the rest to spend on whatever college kids spend their money on–booze, video games, the dollar menu, whatever.  Even more unbelievable, local players could live at home with their parents and pocket THE ENTIRE STIPEND.  So yeah, that was a HUGE draw for St. John’s to recruit local high school basketball players that were interested in living and playing basketball in New York City.  

On a campus that looks like any other suburban college filled with green lawns, trees, and buildings you know are filled with nothing but lots and lots and lots of books, St. John’s is competing with every other school in the country without the “bonus” of the stipend or the City.  So, those players now go elsewhere, and I don’t blame them.  Just take a look at all the local New York area talent going elsewhere in the Big East.  Da’Sean Butler, the starting forward for West Virginia who averages 17.5 ppg, went to high school in Newark, NJ.  James Sutherland, a freshman forward for Syracuse, went to high school in Bayside, Queens.  Corey Fisher, a junior Guard for Villanova, is from the Bronx.  These are all local players.  Local players who 20 years ago might have considered going to St. John’s.

With the stipend advantage lost, how is St. John’s supposed to lure top tier talent onto their court?  Location?  No.  Campus?  No.  Academics for those students wishing to earn a degree?  Not likely.   The culture and night life available in Queens isn’t going to do it, that’s for sure. 

The next question then becomes, without the advantage to recruit top-tier talent, how is St. John’s supposed to lure a top-tier coach?  My answer, probably the same way the Knicks are going to lure LeBron James to play for them.

-The team is incredibly well-rounded.  With nine games left in their schedule, they have five players with 50 or more points.  Two others have more than 45. 

-What’s the basic premise in hockey?  Score more goals than your opponent.  At +81, their goal differential is ridiculous.  The next closest is Chicago with +57.  It’s the highest differential since the 2005-2006 season. 

-They’re pretty great on the road.  With 22 road victories, they’re tied for the most in the NHL.  They’re also pretty good at home — their 27 wins on home ice is also tied for most in the league.

-Jose Theodore and Semyon Varmalov are not exactly reminiscent of Domink Hasek or Patrick Roy (although Theodore has been 17-0-2 since mid-January), but winning a cup with slightly above-average goalies has been done in the not-to-distant past.  In 2005-2006, the Cup-winning Carolina Hurricanes had two goalies with GAA’s and Save %’s worse than both Theodore and Varmalov.  Much like this season’s Capitals, those Hurricanes spread the wealth: they too had over five players with 50 points or more.

-Olympics heroics or not (and really, is it that hard to win a gold medal when Rick Nash and Jerome Iginla are your line-mates?), the Capitals have arguably the best player in hockey.  And he’s not afraid to hit somebody.

-They show up for big games.  Undefeated in three games against the Penguins this year.  The Flyers?  An imperfect 3-1, with the one loss coming in the third game of the season.  In those four games against Philly: 23 goals scored.  Three wins against playoff-bound Buffalo.  Wins against Detroit and Chicago.  The one team they’ve had trouble with all year, the New Jersey Devils, they beat 4-1 in their last meeting.  The Caps aren’t afraid of anyone.

In a town that desperately needs a winner, the Washington Capitals have the opportunity to banish the misery of DC sports fans everywhere.  At least until the Redskins start training camp… 

Elijah Dukes: First, I’d like to thank the Washington Nationals for all they’ve done for me.  But I come here today to ask for another chance.  An opportunity to continue the incredible growth I’ve had since I lost my father.  I know that there are people that think I’m a bad seed, but I plead with those folks, please don’t judge.  I’m not the terrible man people think I am… 

Milton Bradley: HOLD UP!  Yo, Elijah, I don’t mean to interrupt, you got a bad rap and all but look man, if I was a musician, I’d be Kanye West. If I was in the NBA, I’d be Ron Artest.  But in baseball, they’ve got me: Milton Bradley.  I’m that guy.  You need people like me, so you can point your finger and go, “There goes the bad guy.”

Elijah Dukes: You, Kanye and Tony Montana are dead, dawg.

Maryland always brings the Schayerface

My brackets look worse than Tara Reid’s stomach. I picked Northern Iowa to beat Kansas in one pool but I picked Villanova to win it all. My other one looks like Detroit after Devil’s Night. What’s that? Good point. It’s the same every other night.

It’s great to see so many upsets this year despite what they mean to my chances of winning anything. The downside is that Duke has an easy path to the Final Four. There’s no point in expressing the level of my dislike for Duke basketball because I know there are thousands out there who share the same feeling. However I came across a Duke-related press release today that brought a smirk to my face. Coach K is getting in the app business.

DURHAM, NORTH CAROLINA, MARCH 23, 2010- An iPhone App featuring legendary basketball Coach Mike Krzyzewski was launched today in the App Store and www.coachkapp.com. The Coach K App utilizes innovative multi-touch controls that immerse the player into an exciting series of races against multiple artificial intelligence opponents. The game includes three levels of competition with stops in New York City, China and Durham, North Carolina, home to Coach K’s Duke Blue Devils.

Coach K provides personalized “coaching tips” to maneuver players through a series of dynamic obstacles which come to life through trend-setting graphics. Players also have the ability to customize their avatars. Players will be challenged to dodge taxicabs and street vendors, while racing through the streets of New York; avoid dragons and panda bears while speeding along the Great Wall of China; and sprint around campus while avoiding the notorious Cameron Crazies and other obstacles. The game climaxes in an intense head-to-head shooting competition against another player over Bluetooth.

The app costs $2.99 although the first level can be downloaded for free. There is a catch. Everyone won’t have access to the game. In order to maintain a level of reality, access will only be allowed to goofy white guys and black people from Alaska. Bam! I’ll be here all week.

The debate over health care reform has gotten way out of hand (if you can even call it that). One has to admit that the level of hatred and vitriol has gone off the charts regardless of whether you agree with the bill or not.

It’s good to see people like former Presidents Bush and Clinton working together to bring attention to the continued plight of Haitians after the terrible earthquake in January. Their efforts show that people on opposite sides of the political spectrum can work together on issues of great importance. However they also help us bring you the random video of the day.

Watch President Bush wipe his hands on President Clinton’s shirt after shaking hands with Haitians.

Oh man, that hilariously bad. What’s worse? This or Mitt Romney trying to discover who let the dogs out?

H/T to The Huffington Post