Good day people! Lets recap last week shall we? Ok, if you followed all my picks we went 7-5-1, not a bad week at all. The Upset Special was a Loss and the Lock was a win. On the year, we’re at 52-48-1, 4-3 on Locks of the Week and 2-5 on Upset Specials. We’re not doing great, but we are in good position halfway through the season to get you a lot of money. SO LETS WIN BABY! This week, I am picking fast b/c i just got like 3 new Xbox 360 games and they rule my life right now. On to the picks. As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is Carolyn from the Carolina Panthers. Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip to the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.*

Denver at Baltimore OVER 41.5

This one is a tough game to pick the winner of. On the one hand, Denver is undefeated, on the other hand Baltimore is probably a more talented team. Compounding the issue is that both teams are coming off a bye week, giving them 2 weeks to prepare for this game. What to do? Pick the over! Baltimore’s defense has been thrown on all year and Baltimore’s passing game is the most dynamic part of their offense, even with 2 weeks for each team’s defense to prepare for this game, it is going to be a high scoring affair. Play it safe and take the over.

Cleveland at CHICAGO -13.5

This game shouldn’t really even be a contest. The Bears are by no means a great team, but the Browns are such a horrible team, even an average squad like the Bears will dominate them. With Tommy Harris coming back to the Bears defensive line, the one chance that Jamal Lewis had to find room to run has disappeared. Don’t look for the Bears to overlook this game either after last week’s evisceration by the Packers. This game will be like a Big 10 team scheduling a D-1-AA squad for homecoming. No contest. Take the Bears, don’t think about it too much.

HOUSTON -3.5 at Buffalo

This spread could be -9 and I would’t be shocked at all. Let me put this as clearly as I can…the Bills will not even come close to winning this game. Even Houston’s sieve-like defense will contain the well-educated Bills quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick. Take the Texans, watch the flood of points wash away your money woes.

SAN FRANCISCO +12 at Indianapolis

Maybe i’m giving Mike Singletary a little too much credit here, but I just cannot see how they get blown out against Indianapolis even in Indy. As great as the Colts have looked this year, they really haven’t played a team yet with a great defense except for Miami…and that game was decided by 4 points. In the 49ers two road games this year, they have lost by a total of 6 points (they lost by 3 each game). I have a pretty decent blowout sensor and it is not tingling right now. Take the 49ers.

MIAMI +3.5 at New York Jets

These teams last faced each other just 3 weeks ago, scoring 58 points total with the Dolphins winning by 4 points. In that game, at Miami, the Jets were favored by 3 points and the O/U was 36. Oh, how things change, well not by much. In this game at the Meadowlands the Jets are favored now by 3.5 and the O/U has been bumped up a bit to 40.5. So last time they played, the underdog covered and the Over won…and if the current lines were used on that game, the same thing would’ve happened. I’m not going to screw with this extremely limited statistical historical analysis (if you can call it that) and I am taking the Dolphins. If you wanted to go nuts and do a correlated parlay, I would take the Over. Why not. If you dont learn from history…ah I forget.

ST. LOUIS +4 at Detroit

This will happen. They might even get off the schneid and win the damn thing. I mean, who is going to start at QB for Detroit? Stafford’s knee is all jacked up, Culpepper has a gimpy hammy and Drew Stanton is out indefinitely with a knee injury. Add to that Calvin “Megatron” Johnson’s own knee injury and I smell an offense that can be stopped even by the Ram’s sorry ass defense. I hope, sincerely hope, that Steven Jackson has a big day. That guy deserves at least one win. Take the Rams.

Seattle at DALLAS -9.5

Yea, last week’s game probably was a fluke for the Cowboys, but Seattle’s defense is a joke…unless you’re Jacksonville, then the joke is on them I guess. I expect another solid showing from the Romo to Austin connection and the running backs should run wild over the Seahawks. Also, Dallas’ D has actually been playing well as of late and should be able to bottle up the one dimensional Seattle offense. Take the Cowboys in this event.

New York Giants at PHILADELPHIA +1

A home dog? You serious?? In the NFC East??? Can I keep going with these questions???? Are you annoyed yet????? Well think of how annoyed Eagles fans are with Andy Reid, Donovan McNabb, Michael Vick and Brian Westbrook. Reid won’t call a run, McNabb has become the bounce pass king, which is great for basketball but not football, Vick has lost not just a step, but it appears as if he’s lost a foot out there with the speed he’s moving at, and Westbrook cannot finish a game…and he barely starts any anyway. So why am I picking them? Because their D will win this game for them. Also, Eli is hurt and Bradshaw is hurt. The Eagles play D so aggressively they will force a couple turnovers out of those guys. Throw in a little special teams magic and the Eagles win this home game by a touchdown. Pick the Eagles.

Minnesota at Green Bay UNDER 47

I’ve gone back and forth on this game and I can make a case for both teams winning. So that means I am going with the O/U for you to bet on. The over/under has gone from 48.5 to 47 very fast this week, despite around 3/4th of the action on the over. This, to me, means sharps are all over the under….and so am I. Take the under.

Carolina at Arizona UNDER 41

I see this game being like a 27-9 type affair where the Panthers get close and end up kicking field goals and going for it and failing on 4th down a lot, while the Cards score a few easy touchdowns on long drives as they rack up the yardage against the Panthers’ weak D. With the pick-6 machine Delhomme at QB though, anything could happen though. I am hoping the Cardinals just intercept the ball and they don’t run it back for any scores. That’d blow it all up for you and me. Take the Under.

ATLANTA +10 at New Orleans

Its Monday night, isnt there a law that these games should be close? The Saints are devastating on offense and pestering on defense but after the Falcons’ blow out defeat last week, I can see them making a game of it in prime time.

UPSET SPECIAL OF THE WEEK

OAKLAND +1050 at San Diego

Ok, we all know this won’t happen. But won’t it be fun to root for it to happen? Its not like you really want to take SD at -16.5 and its not like you want to take all those points and bet on the Raiders…even the over/under is 50/50 here. This is the only sensible thing to do. I mean if you hit this game, you will win a lot of money…like a lot. A simple $100 bet will get you $1,050 back. I mean, you gotta at least try it! Its not like 1) Oakland hasn’t beaten a decent team, they have when they beat the Eagles and its not like 2) You can trust Norv Turner. I can see the Chargers flubbing this one. It can happen. If it does, you can take advantage. BIG TIME. This is why this is the UPSET SPECIAL OF THE WEEK

LOCK OF THE WEEK

JACKSONVILLE +3 at Tennessee

So the Titans are starting Vince Young at QB for this game. Jacksonville wins. Its that easy, really. If you really wanted to get cocky you’d just take the Jaguars ML at +145. That’s not big enough odds for me so just take the points and enjoy the easy win. It is the LOCK OF THE WEEK.

*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you’d be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.

Douche Unlimited is the new Love Unlimited. If you’ve been waiting for one more reason to hate on Cristiano Ronaldo, your wait is over. You’ve seen him dive on the pitch like the Kursk. Now witness his musical dive as he covers Julio Iglesias’ Amor Mio.

Amor Mio is just one of the songs that Ronaldo agreed to cover as part of an advertising campaign for Portuguese bank Banco Espírito Santo. They apparently also trample Barry White’s legacy in the name of more deposits. If you hear about Sea World walruses losing their shit in the next couple weeks, you’ll know why. Expect human collateral damage. No one disrespects the Walrus of Love and gets away with it.

Link: NME

Wow, ok so last week was my first truly awful week. I finished up a bloody 6-8 last week, losing both my lock and upset picks of the week. Just miserable. For the season, this puts me at 45-43 overall, 3-3 on Locks of the Week and 2-4 on Upsets of the Week. I either need to get a whole lot better at this or a whole lot more interesting as a writer to keep you reading this so this week, I will try to do both. Let me first load up on some booze. Ok done. On to the picks, as a warning, these picks are not for the feint of heart, so many road teams being picked this week it is SICK. As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is Asia from the New England Patriots. Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip to the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.*

SAN DIEGO -4.5 at Kansas City

Do i trust Norv Turner to win this game? No. If they do win, do I trust Norv to win by 5 points. No again. Do you know what I trust even less? If you guessed Kansas City’s defense, then you would be correct. Despite having Norv and a suspect defense (and special teams if you look at what happened last week, sheesh), the Chargers’ offense should be good enough to win this game by a touchdown over the Chiefs’ horrendous defense and substandard offense. If you trust me, take the Chargers and don’t look back…don’t ever look back. TAKING THE CHARGERS IS MY ELECTRIC JOLT TO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT PICK OF THE WEEK!

Minnesota at PITTSBURGH -5.5

The Vikings’ run will end in Pittsburgh. Minnesota was exposed last week against the Ravens in the second half as a team that can be thrown on and throwing is something that the Steelers do very very well. Big Ben had yet another 400 yard game last week and he might do it again this week as the Vikings’ corners are suspect and they are not getting much of a pass rush at all. Brett Favre and AP might actually be contained for most of the day, especially if they are down Percy Harvin as the rookie has been a vital cog in their offense thus far this year. Throw in the fact that Polamalu has a chance to play and you got yourself a Pittsburgh win right here. Betting the Steelers is my IRON CITY IRON CLAD LOCK OF THE WEEK!!

SAN FRANCISCO +3 at Houston

The 49ers are coming off a bye and getting their #1 running back back in the saddle. These are good things for the young 49ers. Houston has been the most schizophrenic team in football. They have yet to win 2 games in a row, following every win with a loss. Guess what, last week they won. I’m playing the trends here and taking the 49ers. With Houston’s horrible D allowing Shaun Hill to dink and dunk all over the field when Gore isnt gashing them for yardage, this is as certain a pick as I’ve had all year. Take the 49ers, because if Mike Singletary and Gary Kubiak got into a fight, you’d better believe that I’ll take Singletary. As a matter of fact, next week, i might just pick the head coaches I would think would win in a fight for all my picks. Write that one down, that is a good idea.

GREEN BAY -9 at Cleveland

As of the time I am writing this, my sources tell me pretty much the entire city of Cleveland has the swine flu. This doesn’t bode well for Green Bay next week, but this week they should be golden. If the Pack doesn’t cover this spread look up in the sky because PIGS WILL BE FUCKING FLYING! This is my VACCINATION pick of the week. You will be SICK to your STOMACH and PUKING your GUTS out if you do NOT get in on this!

New Orleans at MIAMI +6.5

Sure New Orleans has this high flying offense that cannot be stopped. Miami will not stop them, but that whacky Wildcat offense sure is going to keep the score close. That is all I am betting on here. Well that and I am a big believer in taking a home dog that is coming off a bye week. There is an advantage there and you should take advantage of it. Also of note, depending on the site, somewhere between 77-95% of the action is on the Saints here…and the line hasn’t moved. Some heavy hitters must like Miami on this one, you should see this and use it to your advantage. This is my SEX PANTHER pick of the week, if you see a little advantage, you might as well use it.

CHICAGO +1 at Cincinnati

The real question is, which Bengals team will show up to this game? The team that beat Green Bay, Pittsburgh and Baltimore or the team that lost to Houston. We wont count the Denver game because they, by all rights, should’ve won that game. The Bengals are 1-2 at home so far and this won’t be an easy test for them at all. Cutler should be secure now with his new contract, but will he go crazy and throw a bunch of INTs to lose this game for his team? Will Forte finally run like he did last year? Who knows. So many questions. In this game, I am just going with the better D and taking the Bears. If defense is good enough to win championships, it is good enough to win midseason games in Week 7.

New York Jets at OAKLAND +6.5

I’m not saying the Raiders are going to win this game…I’m just saying that they have a chance. Sanchez will not have an easy time throwing against this defense so you have to think it will be a running party yet again for the Jets’ rushers. The Jets’ defense should be able to confuse, harass, and dominate the Raiders hapless offense. This game is going to be decided by field goals and not touchdowns. I’d take the under if it werent 35, but it isnt so take the points.

Buffalo at Carolina UNDER 37

Now this game, I am willing to go under. You’re going to have Ryan Fitzpatrick vs Jake Delhomme here which means lots of runs eating away at the clock without points going up. Both running games are miserable right now as well, so that’l be a lotta running without going anywhere.

New England at TAMPA BAY +14.5

There is no home team in England, although I hope the crowd isnt going to be rooting for a symbol of something that killed a shit ton of them. Because American patriots should never be welcome in England we must root for the gay pirates…i mean Buccaneers. Right. I am just hoping the travel keeps this one somewhat close. We’ll see. This is my YOU SAY YOU WANT AN UPSET…errr…REVOLUTION pick. Wait that was sung by a bunch of Brits…whatever, take the Bucs.

ARIZONA +7 at New York

Last week the Giants took a beat down that opened my eyes to something…the fact that they can actually be beat. Arizona, on the other hand, looked pretty solid last week. With the Giant’s secondary in shambles I have to think that the Cardinals’ passing game is going to be just fine this week. I might even be inclined to take the Cardinals money line if it paid well enough. Take the cards in this one. When you win, you will shout “THANK YOU JEEEEEESUS!” like my main man Kurt did lo’ these many years ago.

PHILADELPHIA -7 at Washington

One team is having a guy who has been out of football for five years and on the team for two weeks calling plays…and one team doesnt. How this spread isnt 14 points is a testament to how decent the Redskins D has been playing this year. Nevertheless, no matter what the spread, I cannot pick the Redskins. God, it sucks to be a Redskins’ fan this year…take the Eagles.

UPSET SPECIAL OF THE WEEK

ATLANTA +3.5 at Dallas

Ok, this one I just don’t get. Dallas is not a good team at all. Atlanta, on the other hand, is. Dallas hasn’t even won in their brand new stadium, so i cannot think the home field advantage is all that great here. Not going to look a gift horse in the mouth here, just going to take Atlanta and not ask any questions. This is my STICK A CARROT UP MY ASS AND CALL ME MR. ED DON’T LOOK A GIFT HORSE IN THE MOUTH pick of the week…also the Upset Special.

LOCK OF THE WEEK

INDIANAPOLIS -13 at St. Louis

The Colts are going to beat the Rams by 30 easily in this game. They’d have stiffer competition if they were playing Florida right now, even after the beheading of Tebow. The Rams have Steven Jackson and that is it. That poor poor man. If anyone in the Rams’ front office has any soul left from their Super Bowl wins they would trade him while he still has some run left in his legs. I feel bad for him…especially if Bob Sanders is playing this week. Pray for Steven Jackson. Pick the Colts. When in St. Louis, if its cold outside, make sure that you check out The Royale which has a friggin terrific burger as well as plenty of awesomely creative booze and a fire pit. NOTHING goes together better than fire and booze…ok throw some sex and bacon in there and you might actually achieve nirvana. Just try not to mind the hipsters too much…ugh.

*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you’d be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.

And by sad, i mean funny. This poor fat kid is stuck inside a bowl in a skate park. It takes this chubby lad 4 whole gripping and intense minutes of struggle and sacrifice and finally, through the bonds of undying friendship, this young boy with a belly full of jelly gets out. Well maybe not undying friendship, maybe just some other kids that actually want to skate in the bowl. WTF was this kid doing down there in the first place? Is there a heavyweight division of skateboarding I didn’t know about? Its like a baby stuck in a well for the X generation.

Fat Kid Stuck in a Skating Bowl – Watch more Funny Videos

That title pretty much sums it up. Looks like this kid is going to take a serious blow to his unhelmeted (not a word, but whatever, it fits) noggin, yet, miraculously, he lands ass on the board. Crisis averted, the dumb shall live to skate another day.