Tuesday, August 18th, 2009 at
4:05 am
Brett Favre stories are like Bebe’s kids. They don’t die, they multiply. Every time they seem to fade away, they come back thanks to someone in Minnesota called Unnamed Source. When I find Unnamed Source, I’ll make sure he never spreads any rumors again. Until then, we aren’t going to entertain any stories about potential comebacks, Mississippi practices or any other Favre-related bullshit. However, we will indulge anything that mocks him or discusses any dirt he and Mark Chmura did while in Green Bay. Let the mocking begin.
Wisconsin governor Jim Doyle began the public mocking of Favre by using his name as a punch line while announcing his decision to not run for a third term. Doyle, unlike Sarah Palin, will honor his commitment and finish out his term which ends in January 2011. He explained that he didn’t believe governors should serve more than two terms.
“I know I will regret this decision many times over the next year, but I’m not going to pull a Brett Favre on you,” he said.
It’s funny because it’s true. Pulling a Brett Favre can and should be applied to everyday situations. Try it out the next time you keep saying you’re going to leave the bar after you finish your drink but keep ordering another one. Apply it to the hookup you say you’re going to quit but find yourself balls deep in every time you have one too many roofie coladas like Sebastian Janikowski. Everyone knows that person who pulls the Brett Favre all the time. You can even make his name a verb. “I know I was gonna quit my job but I favred it and went back.” It’s a work in progress but it’s got some potential.
Friday, August 14th, 2009 at
3:42 pm
Today, the City of Brotherly Love introduced a brother who recently has been loved dearly in the joint.
And of course with the announcement that the Eagles signed Michael Vick, the Worldwide Leader went to Plaid implementing wall-to-wall coverage featuring a nationwide polling orgy and Woody Paige arguing with a life size mannequin of Michael Vick. The Leader’s pundits took to the airways frothily debating the rationale of signing Mr. Vick and thereby potentially alienating their entire fanbase. (Of course, this is the same team that once had a jail in its own stadium and whose head coach has two sons, who have done more drugs than most of Philly combined. Not to mention, this is the same fanbase who cheered a potentially paralyzed Michael Irvin and pelted Santa Claus with snowballs.) So the claims of potential alienation seem to be a stretch at best.
Missing from all of this coverage, however, is how I wish the Vick signing would play out…
At the first home game of the season, out of a smokey tunnel run the Eagles led by their quarterback, Donovan McNabb.
WHEN SUDDENLY, the entire stadium goes dark and out of nowhere a pack of dogs rush the field attacking Donovan McNabb and Andy Reid. Then a single spotlight shines back onto the entrance tunnel, and we see Michael Vick and Tony Dungy standing their with arms raised…while Jim Ross exclaims….
OH MY GOD IT’S MICHAEL VICK’S MUSIC!
(A boy can dream.)
Friday, August 14th, 2009 at
6:06 am
Olympic God and personal disaster Michael Phelps has crashed his car into another car on Thursday night. I’m beginning to wonder why, with all his money, he just doesnt get a driver in a car with heavily tinted windows (to hide the bong use of course). This is the second traffic incident Phelps has had since his Olympic medal domination, the first resulted in a DWI.
Apparently Phelps hit some chick’s Honda with his Escalade and you know who wins that battle. Phelps and passengers were unscathed, the Honda driver was taken to the hospital and released. Police are investigating, alcohol is believed to not be a factor…but its also rumored Phelps blew through a red light and hit the car.
Seriously, this guy needs to just go back to the lake he came from. Its not our fault this merman missed adolescence because he spent all of his days and nights in water! Leave us alone! Go back from whence you came! Stop causing our children to cry!
From ESPN
Friday, August 14th, 2009 at
4:06 am
Shocker that the Redskins were shut out of their first preseason game of the 2009-2010 season, 23-0, just a shocker. I mean, when you have one of the most unproductive offenses last season and just pray that the players you have get better…well this is what you’re going to get. I’m not even discussing the offensive line, which surprisingly played adequately, I’m talking about the skill positions.
No Clinton Portis meant the Redskins had to hope that Ladell Betts looked like the betts of 2 seasons ago. The Redskins had to hope that Rock Cartwright could start to be anything else than a mediocre kick returner and look like an actual running back. They had to hope that, with Santana Moss sitting this one out, one of their 2nd round draft picks would step up to the plate and play up to their draft position. They had to hope that Antwan Randle-El could be something more than a nice guy and a #3 receiver…or at the very least he could be productive in the slot. Finally, they had to hope that one of the veteran receivers and inexperienced running backs they signed could make a big play and prove they belong on an NFL roster.
Not at all surprising but, none of that happened. The timing was off between receivers and the QB. The running backs were unproductive carrying the ball. Receivers couldn’t get themselves open and when they did, they couldn’t hold on to the ball. Is this what happens when you stubbornly pray the decisions you make work out better than previous evidence suggests instead of facing the reality that you have no idea what you’re doing and you need to get some help in? Who knows…but lets hope so.
Yes, I know, it is too early to cast a final grade on how the Redskins will look this upcoming season, but all the problems that existed last season existed in this game, minus the broken down offensive line…and that is not good that all the same problems are happening with a healthy and productive line instead of what they had in the 2nd half of last season. Hail to the Redskins? More like, Hail to the Redskins Defense…they might be the only hope this team has.
Thursday, August 13th, 2009 at
7:54 am
There’s nothing more endearing than an alcoholic clown unless it’s an alcoholic clown played by Bobcat Goldwaith. Unfortunately there won’t be a Shakes the Clown II: Electric Boogaloo. No more mime beatdowns, kids. Luckily, we have the second generation spawn of Bozo the Clown to fill the void.
The Angels saved birthday parties and condemned mimes to doom b
y calling up pitcher Trevor Bell on Wednesday night. Bell’s first major league start resulted in 5 1/3 innings, four runs and nine hits in the Angels’ 10-4 win against the Blue Jays. Manager Mike Scoscia said Bell had “moxie” but he didn’t mention that he’s the
grandson of the original Bozo the Clown. If the kid has any sense, he’ll work with his pitching coach and come up with a Bozo pitch. Allow us to play Leo Mazzone for a minute and suggest that he give the gas face while throwing a submarine pitch and screaming about poutine. If that doesn’t say clown, I don’t know what does. Sorry, do.
