Michael Owen’s Contract Details Are Tough But Fair
£30,000 per week basic pay.
£20,000 per starting appearance, conditional on Owen completing at least three minutes on the pitch without collapsing in an anguished heap.
£20,000 per goal scored, as long as he doesn’t break his arm/hip/entire skeletal frame celebrating with Rio Ferdinand.
£30,000 for every goal scored against Liverpool, conditional on Owen dancing a jig in front of Rafael Benitez. Owen must not injure himself mid-jig.
£20,000 for every successful hounding of a referee. Must ensure official is too scared to award any controversial decisions against United for the rest of the match/season/eternity.
£20,000 one-off fee to take Nani on a helicopter ride to a small island off the coast of Iceland, and leave him there.
£20,000 one-off fee payable upon Owen burning all copies of his promotional brochure. He must never mention said brochure again.
£70,000 reduction in pay if Owen ever declares himself fit to play for England again.
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